Bluefish Way
The life of Ralph and his cats
An Ant With A Magnifying Glass
~Day 1~
Do you remember in my last post when I tried to give money back to the bank, had a leak in the kitchen and found hornets’ nests ? Well, it’s got a whole lot worse !
A couple of days after publishing the last post and while I was having fun answering your comments, my laptop produced a million vertical lines, made mechanical clunking noises, went black and would not switch off.
~Day 2 to Day 11~
After a night of “praising” my Dell laptop I sent it away to be fixed locally. As it didn’t work, the village Spanish computer man either sent it to Dell repair in Madrid, or to a beach lounger on the Costa, or to a laptop dancing club. Who knows !
What to do ? No laptop !!! Arghh !!!
The cats don’t care.
I do have a Tablet … in a box !
I bought it a year ago and looked at it. The cable sockets were so tiny that an ant with a magnifying glass couldn’t see them and none of my laptop cables would fit. Too big !
I switched it on. My vibrating hands tapped, swiped, squeezed and stretched. Weird things happened. Nothing did what I wanted. Almost becoming an expensive frisbee I returned the Tablet to its box.
A year passed, until now !
No laptop means no blogging …. an unboxed Tablet is a 1% chance of blogging especially as I have to start from scratch. Oh boy !
I spent half a day trying to sign in to Gmail. I knew my password was right … “gspot” … The word corrector had changed my email address first letters of my name to capitals, not all letters in lower case and I hadn’t noticed ! This Tablet WILL, by the time this is published, become a very expensive frisbee !
Via a Google Search I found my blog. I spent another half day trying to find where to Log In. A stupid WP monkey hid it in the small “Follow” box at the bottom right of the page by clicking on the three dots. I did remember my password … “Won’tPress” …
So here I am, almost at the end of drafting this post. I really do need to be a 12yo Tablet whizzkid and have nearby a 45 (not inches)-24-36 woman on whom I can tap, slide, squeeze and stretch (not necessarily in that order)…. my Tablet resting on her 45 degree slope.
I digress. The writing on blog pages are either too tiny for an ant with a magnifying glass to read or it zooms in to 3 words on a page. My vibrating hands !! Oh boy !
(Insert ant with magnifying image here)
Can’t do it.
On trying to upload an ant with a magnifying glass image to Add New in the Media Library, WordPress said that I needed their special App for my device. I followed the instructions like the good boy I am. Pressed “Install”. Nothing happened. In small red writing underneath, it exclaimed with glee >>>
! Your device does not exist
Silly me ! Of course it doesn’t exist ! It’s a very expensive frisbeeeeeee !
Well, how did I do ?
At least we can communicate, can’t we ? Sort of !
Ralph xox ❤
All images are from my WP Media Library.
My next post will be in November as this Tablet is making me crazy !! No change there then 🙂
Tales From The River Bank. That’s A Buzz !
Many of you know by now that I have big problems with my vibrating hands.
~Bank~
Problems, such as extracting euros from a cashpoint in a Spanish village nearby.
Twice, on different occasions, I went to grab hold of the money, instead of which I pushed the euros back into the slot. Luckily there was enough showing for a friend to extract it.
My true bank is on the coast, 30 miles away. It’s an international bank and all communications to me are in English. The local village banks are totally Spanish and my Spanish is limited. Goodness knows what they are really like >>>
Secondly, because of my hands, I am unable to write >>>>
So I have kept with the coastal bank for a number of years. I had to do something after pushing the euros back into the ATM slot. I went to the coast and withdrew a few thousand euros so that I would never have to use a local ATM again ….. well, for a few weeks !
I have guard cats protecting this money 24/7 with dedication and ferocity.
Happy that both Samantha and Sonic were 0% behind me I took a break from drafting this post and went out onto the rear balcony. Wow ! The Universe reminded me in the form of a cloud to tell you about what I saw after visiting the coastal bank.
This mural is what I saw near the bank.
I emailed a few photos to Resa, who very kindly published a feature post. Click on Resa’s photo to see the post. Thank you my friend and the Universe for reminding me ❤
Well, that’s it for this post. Oh no, I spoke too soon !
~River~
Oh heck ! What now Samantha ?
What do you mean your bum’s wet ?
OMG. You’re right Samantha !
The work surface was covered in water. Not knowing where it came from and being a Sunday afternoon I turned off the water to the apartment. The plumber arrived Monday afternoon and on removing one of the overhead cabinets found a broken repair to the hot water pipe in the wall. It seems that this repair was made during installation of the kitchen units put in a year before I moved into the apartment.
Not having the right welding equipment with him he went away leaving a water bottle to channel the leak to drip into a basin. At least I had water back on again.
Tuesday afternoon he returned, repaired the pipe, put back the unit and emptied my wallet. I may have to return to the coastal bank earlier than I had planned. Oh boy !
~Buzz~
Hornets are really sneaky like my cats.
Hornets fly into the apartment carrying a bucket of mud and quietly build their nests in inaccessible places. Last year. I found a huge lump of dried mud on the back corner of a curtain.
This year one built a nest here …..
…. and another here.
Luckily for me, just as the hornets were about to bring in all their relations and lay eggs, the outside temperature shot up into the 40°Cs, peaking at 48° C. This meant me closing all the windows and doors and running the air conditioning all day and evening. Yep, the hornets were locked out and never returned once the temperature dropped.
I am unable to climb stepladders, so I will ask Toni, my neighbour, to remove the nests while I take photographs for a future post. What a buzz !
No wonder I have vibrating hands !!!! 🙂
Oh boy !
Have you tried to give money back to the bank, or had a leak, or enjoyed a buzz ?
Ralph xox ❤
The ATM, plastic ducks and hornet pictures are not mine.
Disappointment
I am disappointed. My good for nothing cats just lie around and sleep all day.
Even the sheep out the back, who the cats should be counting to go to sleep, are disappointed and have gone to sleep themselves as they are never counted and have got bored.
So I am going to change all that and bring in a strict exercise regime for my cats. But nothing like the way my Spanish friend, Manuel, exercises his dog Yaki (Yak Key).
Queen – Bicycle Race
Wake up cats ! Daddy is coming for you !
Sonic ! Stop pretending that you have stuff to do ! Come on into the bedroom we need to have a serious talk !
Right you three, you need to wake up and get some exercise. So Daddy has worked out a daily schedule to get you fit and healthy.
Okay, I can see your point China Cat. You are excused from exercising and you don’t have a wedgie. You have a WEDGE jammed under the bedroom door to stop it slamming in the wind and throwing you down the hall. These are wedgies !
Right you TWO ! This is how it is going to work.
When I wake up in the morning I’ll brush your fur as normal …..
…. then you will do an hour of yoga ….
…. followed by chasing your toys around the apartment until you drop
And if there is any slacking, you will do it all again in the afternoon. Got it ??
I’m going to make myself a coffee. Talk amongst yourselves and when I come back I want to hear a “Yes, Daddy, we are really happy to do lots of exercises”.
Right cats, ready for yourrrr ….. where’s Sonic ???
Ummm…yes ! You mean this Samantha ?
Sonic’s NOT on my laptop telling all my female readers ????? Nooooo !!!!
You rotten ….. okay, you win. No more talk about exercises. Call Sonic off !!
Oh boy !! *faint*
Are you a disappointment ?
Sonic says Daddy is !
Ralph xox ❤
The gifs, yoga and cartoon were found on Google Search and are not mine.
Kitty Love
~300th Blog Post~
Yes, this is my 300th blog post. Some of you have been with me from almost the very beginning. It is like a marriage, but we have never had a domestic, have we ?
What do you mean, there are other women reading this post ? No there’s not, there’s only you. No, I’m NOT arguing ! Oh boy ! 😉
~Kitty Love~
Donny Osmond singing Kitty Puppy Love (1972)
~Resa (kitty slave) & Ralph (kitty slave)~
& 
Yes, both Resa and I are our cats’ slaves. All the credit for this post must go to Resa for sending me the following lovely photos of her cats and Bad Boy. Thank you. We had a lot of fun, didn’t we my friend ? Enough about us. On with the post !
~Jeep & Sonic~
& 
The other day, out of the blue, arrived this love letter for Sonic.
It’s a little difficult to read. It says >>>
“Dear Sonic, I have had a crush on you since mommy showed me your picture. I hope you feel the same ! With love, Jeepo”
So excited with all the attention Sonic fell asleep for 10 hours and then replied >>>
Almost instantly, Jeepo replied with these four pictures of herself >>>>
It said >>>
“Dear Sonic, This is my special bed where I am collecting fur. I’m hoping to send you a big fur ball one day”
~Black Drake & China Cat~
& 
Totally jealous and not to be out done, China Cat had to get in on the act.
You may remember that Black Drake was created by Belén Soto
Don’t tell Donald Trump that Black Drake emigrated, probably illegally, to Resa’s home in Canada.
I digress. Eventually Black Drake replied to China Cat >>>
“Dear China Cat,
I have someone I want you to meet! (a bad boy friend of mine!)
However, first mommy has to cut mats of fur off of Johnny, & take more pictures for Samantha!
Johnny knows & is hiding. He has lots of mats.
As soon as the whole Johnny thing is over, I’ll be writing and sending you a pic of my friend.
Much love,
BD
xo”
~Bad Boy & China Cat~
&
~Johnny & Samantha~
& 
Samantha. There’s male for you !
What’s the matter Samantha ?
Oh no ! My slippers are years old and I haven’t yet found a shop here in Spain that sells them in my size, as I am UK 11 1/2 or EUR 46.
You must reply to Johnny, Samantha !
For heavens sake Samantha, answer him !
Well, say something !
There. That wasn’t so hard, was it Samantha ?
~Mystery Woman & Ralph~
&
Yes, I love you Mystery Woman.
I love you because you are you and you know who you are, don’t you ?
(Wow, that’s six “you”s in one sentence)
I will stick a pin in the spinning globe above. Three things could happen. Firstly, the world might possibly go pop. Secondly, if you go “Ouch !” you are the Mystery Woman. And finally if everyone goes “Ouch !” I will be in the middle of one hell of a domestic ! Oh boy !
What do I need to do for me to receive a love letter ?
I’ve not tried bribery yet. An old slipper should work.
Ralph xox ❤
My Worst Photography Experience Ever !
~So what went wrong~
Camera charged. Ralph dressed up. Off I went to watch the tiny carnival procession in my local Spanish village. On my return I transferred the 35 photographs into my laptop and *sigh* not one came out any sense. Do I delete them ? No ! You know me, I’ll have fun with them at the expense of the eyes of my readers. I am very kind like that !
BTW my eyesight is bad and it wasn’t caused by looking at THESE photographs 😉
~Horsing around~
~Food for thought~
~Puzzling this !~
What is this photograph all about ? Is it (a) or (b) ? I will give you the answer further down this post.
What do you think created these abysmal photographs ? Is it >>>
1. The tuition I have been given by the photographic Mistress Master Pelly who sometimes uses a blur technique.
….. or is it ? >>>>
2. The photographs were taken at the point where day met night and my camera had a nervous breakdown not knowing whether to flash or not.
3. My hands shook too much.
4. The planetary rotation of the Earth was affected at the same instant I took each photograph by the jumping up and down and pulling out of hair by readers of my latest blog post.
~The flying circus~
Our small Spanish village does not have a Zika Virus mosquito problem, but what would happen if it did ?
The mosquitoes would be driven insane by a very enthusiastic out of tune marching band.
The village scientists drowning themselves in wine and whiskey would come up with the ultimate solution of mosquito eradication.
~Titbits~
The correct answer is (a), not (b), but could be a (C cup).
At this point in the post I probably only have one reader left. Here she is !
You can restore your eyesight by looking at the brilliant photographs of our Spanish village feria by visiting Jose Manuel Bujalance Palma in Facebook.
Have you ever had a photographic disaster ?
~Next post~
You won’t believe this. In fact I don’t believe this. My good for nothing black cat Sonic who sleeps all day, complains bitterly when not petted or fed on time and keeps me awake as I am just dropping off to sleep at night has just received a love letter ! Yes, a love letter ! Heck, I’ve never ever received a love letter ! Do you want to read it ? Okay, I will show it to you in my next post including what Samantha has fallen in love with.
Oh boy !
Have you ever received a love letter ?
BTW if by some miracle I do receive email love letters from you. When I have picked myself up after fainting I will publish them including your avatar and links to your blog. I am kind like that. I may even reply in a desperate sort of way 😀
ralph.whillier@gmail.com
Ralph xox ❤
Fourth Birthday Bash
~Fourth~
I have just passed the fourth year of blogging with WordPressCom. I really must get a life !
Perhaps I will !
~Birthday~
Hilda is a great local friend to me. Remember how she and her husband, David, hosted the Summer Party ? And some of you may remember Hilda helping out as my Interior Designer when my apartment was renovated.
She also buys the cat treats when they go to Murky Donna supermarket.
And then there was the time when Manny, a teddy bear blogger from California, clambered around in her cleavage. He loved that !
Anyway, she suggests ….
Yes, on the 15th of December this year is my 70th birthday.
Maybe I should invite Elena from my Spanish village Tabac.
…. impressing her with my Sunday best suit. I must remember to paint my nails 😀
How about a cabaret ?
Beth ! You’re hired !
What do you think ? What will make a party to remember ?
You are also very welcome to mail me a birthday card, the funnier the better >>>
Ralph Whillier,
137, Canada del Real Tesoro,
29391 Estacion Cortes de la Frontera,
Malaga,
Spain.
Or, come to the party !
Talking of Hilda. The other day the local village put on an Hawaiian night on the beach of the local river where I tried out Tai Chi.
Even though the party was only 50 yards away from my home, I didn’t go as my ankles were swollen probably from the heat of the day and I didn’t want to take the chance of having a fall on the stones. Still, Mary and Hilda had a great time !
~Bash~
Meanwhile, back in Daddy’s bedroom.
Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew into the bedroom ….
…. swirling behind the bedroom door, the door slammed shut, casting China Cat into a heap on the hallway floor.
Whew ! What have you cats been up to ? I have restarted Coo Coo, put China Cat back and closed the bedroom balcony door to block off that gusty wind. What is going on ?
Oh boy !
So, what makes a party for you ?
For me, an imaginary kiss and a cuddle with an imaginary girlfriend would be nice ! 😳
Ralph xox ❤
Animated Cats ….. Perhaps Not !
~Warning~
This long post contains gifs (animated photos) which can take a while to load if you have a slow speed IP (Internet Provider). Play with your toy while waiting. 😀
Welcome to Ralph’s Blogging Class of 2016 ……. Hey you, stop fiddling with your bra and pay attention ! Heck, and you leaning back with your feet on your keyboard painting your toe nails, concentrate ! And that’s just my male readers. You ladies are even worse !
Settle down !
Stand up Debby and take a bow. You asked me this very intelligent question in my last post which has never happened before by anyone, as my commenters are usually smashed on wine while commenting here. Oooh, why me ?
My cats are going to tell you how to animate pictures by making “gifs”.
Oh boy. Thanks cats !
You will need a Photo Editor (this old prehistoric Editor was on the CD which came with my ancient digital camera) ….
….. and bookmark this free website as it makes the “gifs” for you.
The simplest “gif” is to take two photos from the same spot. For your blog, reduce them in size to 450 pixels or less. Upload them to the GIFMaker. Select the speed. When happy with the Preview, click Create GIF Animation, Download The GIF to “save file”. Done. It’s easy !
This girl “gif” is one photo plus a mirror image of the same photo. It is really too big for blogging.
A photo of a suitcase cropped as a square. Rotate the photo 90 degrees, save. Rotate another 90 degrees and so on until you have 4 photos.
I added text to each of the 5 cat photos, but made a mistake by cropping as rectangles, not squares, so the photos are slightly different in size.
Cropping is easy. I had taken 3 photos of Marcus playing. The background on all 3 were slightly different ……
…. so I picked the same 2 points in all the photos and cropped them …..
…. ending up with 3 new, slightly smaller photos which I resized to the same size.
I uploaded the 3 photos to the GIFMaker, uploading #2 twice to make the “gif” more fluid.
And finally 2 “gifs” spliced together. Here are the 2 original photos of Ana serving paella in my last post. Notice the backgrounds are very different.
The same as before. I picked 2 points, cropped and resized the photos
These 2 photos I uploaded to the GIFMaker website, set the speed, clicked Create GIF Animation and Download The GIF to “save file”.
I then uploaded the same 2 photos again, but this time doubled the speed, downloaded as before to “save file”.
So now I have 2 “gifs” both of which I uploaded to GIFMaker, clicked Combine Animated GIFs and downloaded the finished “gif” to “save file”. Easy ! Lo and behold, a fun “gif” for my post.
Can’t you give me one “gif” cats ?
Were you paying attention ?
As usual you weren’t. Stay behind after class and I’ll put you over my knee …. again ! 😀
Ralph xox ❤
Summer Party
The other day I received an invitation …..
….. to go to David & Hilda’s home here in southern Spain for a party. Yay !
It just so happened to coincide with a full moon on the Summer Solstice. The next full moon on a Summer Solstice will be in 2062 when I will be 116 years old and probably will marry a 21 year old super-model that day unless one of you ladies out there sweep me off my feet first. Well, you have 46 years to work on it. 😀
Welcome to the party !
As you can see this party had no cats.
The food was great.
The music by Marcus was brilliant ……
….. to dance the night away to.
I bet you would have loved to dance with me. I must learn how to Jive so that I can swing you over my shoulders and between my legs at the bar before the music starts. 😉
Then, of course, the company of friends enhanced the evening.
Thank you David & Hilda for a wonderful party 😀
Will you dance with me at least once within the next 46 years ?
I’m unavailable 20th of June 2062 as I’ve probably just met a 21 year old super-model that day and I’ll marry her the following day. Got to work fast when 116 years old 😀
Ralph xox ❤
From Angels High To Rock Bottom
~Warning~
As usual, this is a very long post !
I came to Spain many, many years ago for sun, sea, sex and sangria. After 14 years I have achieved one out of four, which isn’t bad for me …. and that is SUN ! That’s why I am an old, sad person with two cats 😀
~From Angels High~
The other evening the Angels showed themselves.
And at about the same time I received this fun item from Katie in Florida, USA. Her second gift to me. Ali Gaiter, in my previous post, being the first of those gifts.
Yes, a fun cushion cover straight out of one of my favourite scenes in the Big Bang Theory.
Thank you so much my friend.
In addition I would like to say that blogging to me is so much more than pasting a photo in a post every day. It takes thought and energy, not only to create something that my readers look forward to enjoying, but the involvement and interaction of you all. I have made many friends, most of whom I know nothing about; what you look like, how you sound etc., but the written word is such a powerful tool, from which friendships are built over time. One or two of you I would never have met in real life if I hadn’t taken the plunge into the WordPress dashboard for the first time. I would never have received such wonderful gifts from many of you over the years. Thank you. I look forward to your Likes and comments as I look forward to Liking your New Posts. For me, time is a big problem. I would love to comment on many of your posts, but time holds me back, so I leave a footprint of a Like on your posts and I mean it. Big hug.
~Rock Bottom~
After those highs, time to work my way down to rock bottom.
I have one pot plant and I’m not green-fingered. Can you see why ?
Well, I thought it was a Red Hot Poker plant !
Sonic on the other hand loves flowers ….. plastic ones !
He eats them. Oh boy !
And then the other day it was so hot. Even at midnight in my salon !
Yes, it was “blazing hot”. I went to see how my cats were doing in my bedroom.
Yes, it is hot ! So hot in fact that I took a midnight selfie of myself.
Am at rock bottom now. Yes, it’s time for my latest dashboard Top Searches.
Top Search: Who has the biggest unnatural tits in the world ?
Ralph’s Reply: Probably some wacko with GM modified birds in a cage.
Top Search: Females mature breasts
Ralph’s Reply: Only found at Cheese And Wine parties. There everything is mature.
Top Search: Goldfish clothes
Ralph’s Reply: Gold water-proof waders with glitter fins.
Top Search: Body swap
Ralph’s Reply: If you are female, I’m game !
Top Search: Happy kiss day
Ralph’s Reply: No tongues !
Top Search: Google search how to open girlfriend shirt
Ralph’s Reply: Undo the bottom button, she’ll think you are her doctor. Undo the top button, prepare to be slapped.
Top Search: Bluefish inside nose
Ralph’s Reply: I always get up your nose, don’t I ?
Top Search: How to say your holiday just begun
Ralph’s Reply: “Your holiday just begun.”
So what do you think of this post cats ?
Thanks cats ! Oh boy !
Have you got a rock bottom ?
Ralph xox ❤
Ali Gaiter
Wow ! A package for little ol’ me in Spain, all the way from a dear blogging friend in Florida, USA.
That’s strange, it’s got air holes all around the box.
“Cats ! Help !”
~Update~
My cats are now scaredy cats and revolting (no change there), so Ali Gaiter has a new home, sleeping with a neighbour, a 4 year old Spanish boy, who just loves the toy 😀
Do you remember this ?
Well, Katie owned up for sending the parcel. Not giving up, she sent it again and this time the gator walked on its own into my home. Thank you my friend.
The Urban Dictionary defines a “Gator” as
So are you a Gator, Cougar, a 21 year old, or are you married to an old croc(k) ?
I’m an old single crock 😀
Ralph xox ❤
I would like to ask you to visit Katie‘s and Belinda‘s blogs. Why ? Because they are both suffering from the horrendously painful 24/7 Lyme Disease which has no cure. Please give them a big hug.
No awards, no challenges, no tagging etc.. Please don’t nominate my blog as I’m lazy
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