320: Older Man

~Why you should choose to be with an older man~

As an older man I am completely useless in finding a woman to come and live with me.  I have come up with a plan and that is to lay it all out on the table, be positive and open.  After reading this you will come running to live with me.  

Here goes.


One:  You will be amazed that an older man can count without using the calculator on a smartphone.

Three:  An older man will probably grab hold of your breast in the street.  That’s okay, he just lost his balance.

Four:   The older man will take longer to get dressed than you and you will probably find him wearing your underwear only because he picked up the nearest thing to put on.

Five:  You may spend many hours in the shower with an older man because both of his hands are grasping tightly on the handrails as he can’t stand up properly.

Six:  You may be dying to have sex with him whereas the older man may be dying when he has sex with you.

Seven:  The older man may ask you why you are wearing a catapult when he sees your thong climbing out of your denims half way up your back.

Eight:  The older man may offer to cook you an amazing dinner then forget why he is in the kitchen.

Nine:  The older man is well travelled and while having a cuddle with you, will call you Yoko, Fatima, Gerta, Mavis and Honey-Bunny all in the same sentence.

Ten:  The older man is great at listening when you tell him of your day of shoe shopping and he will answer you with 75 reasons of why a bicycle chain falls off its wheel sprocket.

See !  I am totally irresistible and incredible !

Oh boy !

You have never met an older man like me, or have you ?

Start running !  No !  This way !  😉

Ralph xox ❤

319: I Need A Holiday !


The last time I went on holiday was to Israel in 2014.  Time for a new adventure.

Where will I go this time ?  Madras, India ?  Or perhaps to the Island Of Elba, Italy ?  Who knows !

Haha !  Very funny China Cat !

Good !  The cats are asleep !  Now where shall I go ?  *thinks*



What now ?  What’s up China Cat ?

Oh dear, I am so sorry for leaving you.  Even with a friend visiting for a couple of minutes each day to feed you, it was a difficult fortnight holiday for me as I was constantly worrying about you.  

It was also difficult being on holiday with my hands as they are.  I couldn’t pick up coins, cut food or do anything much with them … and … my trousers fell down so many times when I had to remove my belt at all the security check points.  I might as well have gone on holiday just wearing my Superman boxers !

I think I’ll forget the whole idea and stay at home.

Oh boy !

Would you like to go on vacation with me … perhaps a cruise in my bedroom ?  🙂

What is your suggestion ?

Ralph xox ❤

318: Tar Wars

Cue music !

Star Wars theme by John Williams


~Episode DIM:  The Farce Awakens~

In a Spanish

mountain village far, far away

Hands Solo (very entertaining for him)

and his lazy, good-for-nothing furry side-kicks ….

…. were invaded by the Park Side.  

Hands Solo (again ? nice !dispatched CO0CO0 and robot China Cat on an important mission.


For heaven’s sake !  It’s a story of what happened !  Where was I ?

~Denuncia Stopped by Local Jedi~

The Park Side, led by queen NewN (new neighbour) had denounced Hands Solo (three times in one post !  Whew !).  

The denuncia was stopped and probably torn up by the Yeti Knights ….

…. I mean “Jedi Knights” (the Guardia Civil police) who put the brakes on her complaint, as the queen NewN was irritating,  irrational and had tried to bribe a Jedi Knight to turn him to the Park Side.  The Farce was with her.

~The Battle Of The Yellow Lines~

The Park Side NewN queen illegally painted yellow lines on the galactic highway.  The commander of the Town Hall was turned to the Park Side by refusing to eliminate these Park Side insignias.


…. from nowhere, in flew Fluke Streetwalker wielding his Light Sabre (it was very light, being made of balsa wood).

Aided by his Merry Men (ooops ! Wrong movie).

Fluke Streetwalker swung his Light Sabre time after time ….

…. until the yellow Park Side insignia was totally destroyed.

~What Will Happen Next ?~

What will happen to the other Park Side insignia ?

Will the Park Side queen order a drone (builder) to repaint the destroyed insignia ?

Will Hands Solo (four times !  Exhausting, but fun !) be ravished by a Princess ?

Will CO0CO0 and robot China Cat be dispatched on an important mission ?

Will the furry side-kicks do anything to enhance this movie ?

Exciting, isn’t it ?  But you guys are no fun.  Oh boy !

~Thoughts Are Things~

I believe that thoughts are things.  

Send out good thoughts, the right thoughts, and your world will right itself.

Send out bad thoughts, hate etc., it will come back and bite you BIG TIME !

A mixed bag of thoughts will just confuse your life.

The choice is yours.

Which type of thinking works for you ?

Or do you get a headache just thinking ?  😉

Happy Easter !

Ralph xox ❤

PS:  As all the post photo files I have saved are in a right mess, I am going to try to number my posts from now on.  If I remember !

Preparation In Changing My Retired WordPress Com Premium Tapestry Theme To An Active Theme

~How do you know if your theme has been retired ?~

I really do love this old Premium Tapestry theme and DO NOT want to change it,  but I have been advised to after a WordPress Com update screwed up my sidebar (now fixed).

A retired theme is a theme which has been removed from the WordPress Com theme list and may one day become totally unfixable.

How do you know if your theme has been retired ?  Click on the three dots (…) in the “Customize/Edit/Stats” pop-up at the bottom of your screen.  If you see no theme name it has been retired.

No theme name … retired

This blog has a theme name, so is on the theme list.

On the WordPress Com theme list

~Finding a theme~

I found the best way is to wander around other blogs.  Here’s a couple I’d like to try ….. THEMES !

I spent a while in the WordPress Forum Premium Theme Support checking for any problems which arose with the themes I fancied.  I found the theme threads I wanted on the Premium Theme Support sidebar.  

(This is the link to the Free Themes Support . It’s not so easy, so use the “Search” box.)

~I just know something will screw up when I change themes~

So I spent an hour or so preparing for the worst.

I opened a new file in my laptop and copied pretty much everything from my Dashboard into Notepads.

I spent a lot of time in “Widgets” copying the Media Library image links, plus the code in Text (especially Flag Counter).  I did this because I’m worried that the Tapestry theme has two widget areas, Header Right & Primary Sidebar and any new theme might have something unexpected which might cause me problems.  

I have hundreds of items in my Media Library and it would take forever to scroll down to find just one widget image.  Text code would be impossible to replicate.  So the copying could come in handy.

~Be brave Ralph !~

Time to visit and try out a new Premium theme, Phoebe & Samantha‘s NATURAL.

(The following process should be the same for all active premium & free themes).

In their blog, click on the three dots (…) in the “Follow” pop-up at the bottom of your screen.  Click on “Get Theme”.


Click on ” Try & Customize”

Viola !

For me a problem.  A single blue fish image (the Tapestry Header Right widget) in the right sidebar.  The rest of the widgets have disappeared, not in the footers, nowhere !  A complete widget/sidebar rebuild needed.  

Damn !

Okay.  I’ll try Wendy‘s BASKERVILLE 2 Premium theme.

Same as before, three dots, get theme.

Damn !  Single blue fish in the sidebar …….. BUT !

Yay !  All the other widgets are in the footer (below the comments)

~Help !  What am I going to do !~

Before I “Customize and Save & Activate” a new theme, do I >>>

1.  Stay with my old TAPESTRY theme until a future WordPress Com update turns it into a train wreck where it will sag into a soggy mess,  dribbling out of the screen, ruining my laptop keyboard ?

2.  Go with Phoebe & Samantha‘s NATURAL theme which needs a total widget/sidebar rebuild ?

or 3.  Wendy‘s BASKERVILLE 2  theme ?  All the widgets are there.  I just need to be able to access the theme’s Dashboard and hope that I can drag and drop the widgets from the footer to the sidebar.

I will need to meditate after writing this post.  This song should help.  Ommmm !

Pure Imagination – Jackie Evancho


Ommmm !  Oh my god !

Ommmm !  ‘flippin’ WordPress !

That’s better !  Meditation works !  *ommmm, mutter, mutter*

Do you meditate on WordPress Com ?

Ralph xox ❤

This post is as is, just to give you an idea of what to do and what problems you might encounter.  You may have NO problems at all with a free single sidebar theme.

Please reblog or share this as you probably have a blogging aunt, who nobody talks about, locked in your attic and she needs to know !  Oh, you ARE that aunt !  Ooops !

~Update:  08 April 2017~

I was fooling around yesterday evening.  I was trying out NATURAL theme, customising, got tired and thought I was saving what I had done.  OMG !


Heck, what a mess !  I was up ALL NIGHT getting my blog straight.

Well ?  What do you think ?


Laziness & Craziness


I was in the process of setting up the photos for another post when I had to break off and tell you this.

Cortes de la Frontera
My village is in the valley behind this town.

When the local Spanish town hall was asked why the illegal yellow lines in the street painted by my new neighbours (NewNs) have not been eradicated after so many months, they said ……… 

….. “We know it is illegal.  We are not going to black out the lines because in the future the NewNs might apply for yellow lines.  Approval may possibly be given.  If all the criteria are met we won’t have to paint the yellow lines again, will we ?”

Is this Sensible, Illegal, Logical, Laziness, or just a joke Yoke ?  

“SILLY”  I reckon !

Oh, and there’s more !

In a previous post someone suggested installing CCTV to monitor Pedro’s car in case the tyres were slashed again.  

After extensive research on using CCTV in Spain I found that CCTV is okay for viewing one’s own private property.  Viewing neighbours, public streets and pathways are a no-no.  Very naughty ! Really BIG fines !

Guess who just installed 4 cameras monitoring our street, my street door and public pathway beside their house ?  My NewNs ! 

Left camera viewing the street  …. not the property.
Left camera aimed at my street door.

Camera mounted on a horizontal pole monitoring the public path, a section of the street and house across the road

Normally I wouldn’t mind, but what happens if one of you tiptoes in to visit me from your country for a weekend secret rendezvous d’amor ? …. (translation: you’ve come to borrow money 🙂 )

Oh, and there’s more !


Okay !  The NewNs think that they now have total control of 2 sides of their house.  The public path has cameras.  The street has cameras and yellow lines.  Now they are trying to control the 3rd side which happens to be me, the young Spanish family below and their father (who lives elsewhere in this Spanish village).

How do they do it ?  Simple.  In conjunction with the two Spanish builders (who have been jack-hammering for the NewNs for months in this work impoverished Spanish village and have to go along with whatever the NewNs say.  Money talks !)  they visited the Guardia Civil (Spanish “military” police) and made out a denuncia (a legal complaint) against me and the 3 Spaniards as a group complaint.  We have done nothing except live our lives normally and are still doing so.  BTW, if a denuncia is proved to be false, heavy fines and/or prison awaits.

As the Guardia Civil have not yet seen me or informed me directly of the contents of the denuncia (probably can’t climb the stairway to my apartment as they are in a heap on the floor due to excessive laughter) I am in a position to relate some gems within the denuncia.  Such as >>>

Complaints against me

He is jealous of our house.

Me bad !  Is it because I am English ?

He bangs on our wall.

Me bad !  Sorry for the echo of you banging on my wall.

He is not nice to me when we talked on the balcony.

Me bad !  I must be nicer to you when I walk away while you were saying nasty things about Toni and another time after your horrendous late night banging which woke up and made a baby boy cry.

Complaint against Toni

When I speak to her nicely, she ignores me.

She bad !  I am sure that in the future she will ignore you when you nicely shout abuse at her. 

Complaint against Pedro

He parked his car in our bit of the street.

He bad !  I am sure that in the future that he will park his car legally in the street.  Oh, that is ALL the street !

Complaint against Toni’s father

He glowered at me.

He bad !  I am sure that next time you shout abuse at him from your balcony he will glower at you nicely.

What, in heavens name, are these people smoking ?

There is a fourth side to the NewNs house …. a field !

Oh boy !

What do you think about all this ?

Ralph xox ❤

Jane’s Blonde: Double Oh Boy !


If you read this post I may have to kill you …. pleasurably.

Cue music !

 ~The Spies Who Spy On Me~

Do you remember my €1200 Toilet Brush post when I bought a new Samsung Smart TV ?


Well, it seems that the CIA and MI5 listen to me when my TV is TURNED OFF !!!

Click on the picture below for more information

The TV is on now so I can’t be overheard talking to you on my voice/typing app.

~Jane’s Blonde File~

If you read this file I may have to kill you …. ecstatically

Agent Jane’s Blonde has been assigned to listen in to Ralph’s home.

Agent Jane’s Blonde

Working in Room 36.24.36 adjacent to the Navel Attache in the CIA headquarters, Dangley, USA, she monitors Ralph day and night.

AJB is highly trained and is at the foot of a successful career ladder.

She came first in Disguises Class.  No-one knows what she really looks like as she can change her look in an instant.

See !

She excelled in her latest course on Interrogation.  Tippex’ing teeth always produced results.

“I’ll tell you everything as I’m such a gossip !”

~Entering Room 36.24.36~

If you see what is in this Room, I may have to kill you …. excitedly

Many weeks of training in Room 36.24.36 preceded her assignment of listening in to Ralph’s conversations.  She is now skilled at pressing the Red Button after the odd mishap.

Such as ….

…. and ….

She finally made the Red Button grade with the unwavering help of ABC, her mentor.

~What Happens When I Turn Off My TV~

If you find out I may have to kill you …. strokingly

My TV is now off.

Agent Jane’s Blonde:  Quick ABC !  Press the Red Button and I’ll start recording !

Agent Button Cat:  Okay Boss !

ABC …. Agent Button Cat

Cue Siren !

Dangley immediately goes on shut-down.  Ralph’s words are piped thoughout the complex.  Thousands of CIA employees stop what they’re doing (having a snooze) and stare at the speakers in anticipation of Ralph’s immortal words.  Such as >>>

Will you stop trying to rip off my shirt !

I like it when you wriggle on my lap, it makes me hot !

No !  Licking my nose will not hurry me up to get your supper.

Whatever turns you on.  Sniffing my slipper ?  Whatever !

No !  You can’t eat my sandwich.  Go and have a biscuit !

I know you get excited, but do stop scratching my leg !

Right !  Bedtime !  Coming ?

Oh boy !

Are you The Spy Who Loves Me,  a definite Dr No,  or even the one to give me the Goldfinger ?

Ralph xox ❤

 All the images, MP3s and gifs are not mine, but my cats are ! Oh boy !

Retired Themes & China Cat’s Survey

~Retired Themes~

The other day my sidebar went haywire.  I moaned and groaned opened up a new thread in the WordPress Forum.  A Happiness Engineer responded.  It seems that my theme (bought in 2012) is out-of-date, old software and has been retired, but they will try to fix any future problems until its totally unfixable.  All new themes are geared up for tablets and smartphones, so prepare to read one photo/one line text posts.  Glorified Twitter !

It seems that all old themes have been retired and may eventually die.  I just hope that I don’t switch on my laptop one morning and find my blog in the WordPress obituary.

I may have to buy a new theme.  I don’t want to !  *throwing tantrum*

Anyway, read all about it here in my WordPress Forum thread

~China Cat’s Survey~

Oh boy !

Could you cope with a retired, tantrum throwing, pet “loving” me ?

Ralph xox ❤

Karma & My Cats Greatest Sayings


And so it goes on !  The soap opera of my new neighbours (NewN)  has escalated !

The builder friend of theirs (who we suspect knifed Pedro’s car tyres) is the only one who parks his car on the illegal yellow lines he had painted.  There are no permissions or legal signs.  Woe betide anyone else who parks there !


The other day the NewN wife apologised to Pedro, but too late as Karma was at work.

Just after midnight on the 23rd another almighty CRASH ! from next door in my Spanish village.  So loud !  

Morning came.  It seems that someone doesn’t like the NewNs.  There were rocks scattered on their first floor balcony and ……….


….. what looked like old engine oil thrown over their garage and front door.  What a mess !


Karma had been busy !  And it wasn’t me !  This is my car  🙂



Enough of that !  Now for some fun !


~My Cats Greatest Sayings~







Now THAT is a quote worth remembering !




Well done Coo Coo !



Excellent China Cat !





NO !  Definitely not.  There is no way I am going to publish your greatest sayings.  Never, I repeat, NEVER !


Ummm …. okay.  On second thoughts.  Oh boy !


Is it you whom I am totally in love with ?

Don’t be shy  😊


Ralph xox ❤



Our Little Nest. My Valentine’s Day Post. Oh Boy !

💘 ~Our Little Nest~ 💘

As promised, this is my Valentine’s Day post, from me to only you as no-one else reads this blog anyway.

I have built us a little nest … 


…. to keep the two of us snug and warm.




Hey, cut it out you three.  This is meant to be a romantic post between me and my favourite female reader who is definitely a lady, possibly a lady, probably a lady, no way a lady, other than a lady.  I haven’t quite worked her out yet.


Sweetie, you may use anything in the apartment ………




Cats !  Do you mind ?  I want my favourite female reader to go wobbly at the knees over this post !


Honey, you are very welcome to use my internet, as well as watching live English speaking TV and thousands of  the newest HD movies in English with Greek subtitles.  GREEK SUBTITLES !  Heck, I’m English living in Spain !  If you can read Greek that’s a bonus.  I can’t as it’s all Greek to me !  (Δεν μπορώ, όπως είναι όλα τα ελληνικά σε μένα!)


I’ve not yet seen that great musical Zebra The Greek,  or the seafaring blockbuster Up The Greek Without A Paddle.  Have you ?  Maybe we can cuddle up and watch them together, then nothing would be done.  No sleeping, eating, housework, showers or feeding the cats.



…..There are lots of naughty TV channels.  You know, the ones that can make a man blind !


Why not Samantha ?


Yep !






I’ve gone blind now.  I may need a caregiver at this rate.  Now, where IS my laptop ?  


Let’s go to the kitchen my dearest favourite reader.


Would you like a drink ?  Wine ?  Vinegar ?  Olive oil ?  Whatever tickles your fancy.



I have a large double bed which we can share.


Why Sonic ?





Typical !  You three have just ruined my post of love. You cats are like having a cuckoo in the little nest.


Heck !  Oh well, there is always next year.





Oh boy !


Do you … *sigh* … what’s the point.

Heehee.  Happy Valentine’s Day !  🙂 ❤


Ralph xox ❤


Update: Snow, Completion & Mad New Neighbour


It snowed overnight in my Spanish mountain village for one day this winter.  All gone in a day.  18degC today.







So you want to buy or sell a house in Spain ?  During the legal process expect a curve ball, something that makes you want to pull your hair out.  This is just what happened to my friends David & Hilda who are living with their 10 cats & dog in temporary accomodation while the sale of their old home and purchase of the new are completed.

16 January 2017


An update from us and how we’re trying to cope with the Spanish bureaucracy.

We moved out of our house last Thursday and are now living in ++++.
We’re adjusting to living high up on the wrong side of the valley where we don’t see the sunshine until around 11 am, burning around 20 logs or more daily trying to heat just one room, blocking the draughts from doors and windows and reminding ourselves that we’re having a break…well trying to.
However, you’ll be pleased to know that the cats and the dog are settled which is the main thing and at least it’s not raining. Oh! and we’re getting used to Spanish TV and lots of reading.

We should have gone to complete today ( Monday) but, surprise, surprise, obstacles have been put in our way to prevent this.

Firstly our ++++ went to the Town hall to collect a document which the ++++ should have had available on Thursday ( this confirms that we live outside the national park), but greeted ++++ with “I haven’t done this as I am too busy with other work”.

++++ returned on Friday and we’re still waiting to hear about the certificate, but in the meantime Friday evening we’re advised that we must produce the past 3 years of electricity bills, IBI, and have two witnesses ready to testify that we have lived in our house the past years . Everything is packed away including files in over 100 boxes….so we searched, did find them and took them to ++++’s office this morning questioning who exactly is asking for this? Seems it’s the ++++ who will make a 3% retention of monies unless they’re produced!

…so here we are waiting and our lives are on hold !

We will let you know as and when we have something to celebrate in the hope that something may happen this week

Love from
Us x
19 January 2017
Today we completed the sale of our house and here are photos taken this morning.
Hilda x

Views of the road down to my Spanish village.









David & Hilda’s last look at their old home.





Views from my front balcony that morning.






By the evening the snow had gone from the bottom of the valley where I live.


Latest email from Hilda.

04 February 2017

Just to let you know that finally we will be moving into our new house next Tuesday. We will forward our address once we are there. Can’t believe that we will have lived in three houses within four weeks !
Love Hilda x


~Mad New Neighbour~

Yes, after weeks of no noise at all from our new neighbours she kicked off again …. BIG TIME !  

At 2045 hrs 02 February 2017 all was quiet.  It was dark.  I was sitting quietly on my sofa, the young neighbours below, not a peep ….. then ……


On the WALL right NEXT to me !  So loud and continuous !  Frightened the life out of me !  I could just about make out that she was shouting.  Baby Liam, asleep in the apartment below me, started crying.  It stopped !  Then an even louder continuous metallic banging on her front balcony rail next to mine.

I shot out of the chair and was out onto my front balcony faster than Donald Trump signing an executive order.  I said one thing, “I am going to call the police !” and went back indoors.  I could hear doors slamming, gradually fading, as she worked her way downstairs.  Then quiet.

I picked up my home phone.  IT WAS DEAD !  Ooops, I forgot that the installer of my new internet provider had told me that it would take a week to transfer my phone number from the old IP to the new.  Next Tuesday !


The young family and I decided to keep a record of her outbursts.


Anyway !

Are your tenders hooked in anticipation of my next post ?

Yes, my Valentine’s Day post !


Ralph xox ❤


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