322: Home Help ….. HELP !

~The Form~

Toni,  my young Spanish friend and neighbour thinks it’s a good idea to get me a Home Help from the Spanish Social Services,  as Toni and her family are rarely home during the day and I might do something stupid like stand up and breathe I suppose.

This week,  Toni brought me the four page form to fill in.

Hello !  I can’t write !  A two year old is a calligraphist compared to my Picasso inspired signature.  So Toni filled in the form for me.

~The Blonde~

I wonder what the Home Help would look like ?


Will this blonde have an intelligent conversation with me ?  

(Watch this video.  So funny !)


Dream on Ralph !  Knowing me this is probably the Home Help I’ll get !

~What Would She Do ?~

I am quite capable of doing large things around the apartment such as washing the dishes (sort of !),  making my bed while the cats are trying their best to wreck what I’m doing,  and brush the floor.

I haven’t a clue what a Home Help does.  Wash the dishes,  make the bed and brush the floor I suppose.

It’s the small things I find almost impossible to do such as organising paperwork and picking up a coin on the floor.

The Home Help could sort out my paperwork (transfer my Last Will & Testament into her name).  She could pick up coins and if caught emptying my wallet she would probably tell me that €50 notes look untidy in there.

I have no idea what a Home Help does !

~I Bet My Cats Know !~

Oh boy !  You lot are a real help,  aren’t you ?

Would you like to be my Home Help or girlfriend ?

I have no idea what you would do !  Tell me !  🙂

Ralph xox ❤


321: Karma At Her Best

This post is the latest on my New Neighbours (NewN) and how I had some payback with the help of Karma.

Please enjoy this very highbrow song which is relevant to what is coming.

~A Quick Recap For My New Readers~

Eastern European NewNs arrived from California to this quiet mountain village in southern Spain and purchased the house next door last year.  Then all hell was let loose.  The wife glared and screamed at villagers from her street balcony, banged on our walls late at night, played a scale on her piano for hours on end (nothing else) etc.  Parked across the road, the 4 tyres of a Spanish friend’s car was slashed one night.   An unknown villager retaliated, throwing old engine oil all over the front of the NewN house.  The NewNs reported me, my young Spanish neighbours plus another to the Spanish Guardia Civil police and activated a denuncia stating that we did what they were actually doing themselves.  I understand the police took no further action as she was crazy.


One:  The other afternoon the Guardia Civil police were in the street taking photographs of the NewNs four CCTV cameras which are monitoring the street and public pathway to the river.  In Spain CCTV monitoring of neighbours and public areas is totally illegal.

Two:  The NewNs got permission from the Town Hall for a yellow line outside their garage, but not the yellow line across the road.  He parks his car on it !


Three:  Verified information is being sent to me about his “business” in California.  A home rental agent.  Post Office drop address in Camarillo.  No office.  Complaints of not refunding deposits when he didn’t activated rentals.  His workmen stole from properties…. and HE COMPLAINED TO ME that his US$1.2 million Thousand Acre home had to be sold for US$800,000 !  Karma did her bit in the village by breaking his ankle when he was unloading his pianos and Regency furniture out of the huge shipping container from California.



Oh, an email from the NewNs !  That’s a first !


 There is a pipe in the common wall by the ceiling of the hallway going to the studio that is constantly hissing, like water is going through it.
I have shut-off the water in my house and my counter was not moving and the hissing continued.
In your water cabinet there are 3 counters, and I presumed that the top one is yours and it was this only one moving. I have attempted to shut-of the valve for that counter, but unfortunately the valve doesn’t shut-off the water completely, only half way. I noticed that the counter was moving slower and the hissing diminished.
There are blisters on the ceiling of the hallway by the common wall, but more importantly I wonder where all that water is going. You might and up with a high bill.
You are welcome to come and check it or send Pedro for it, but you need to call a plumber.
You can make arrangements for the plumber anytime as we are home all the time.
What he doesn’t know, is, that in Spain, nothing is as it seems.  My meter is the BOTTOM one !  Time for a little fun and payback 🙂   (Stay strong and to the point, Ralph).   I replied with >>>
After all your nastiness, you not responding to my three emails and
you denouncing myself plus Toni and Pedro plus another, you expect my
help ?   No way !   Keep out of our property and that includes your
workmen and our water valve box.  Do not touch my water valve without
my permission !
I see that your hate for me is clouding your judgement.

I did not ask for your help because I do not need it, on the contrary, as a good neighbor, I pointed out a problem and in spite of your foul words for me anytime you address me, I treated you with respect and in a civilized manner. I have just informed you, that your leaking water pipe is destroying my property and I am sure the property on your ground floor apartment and I gave you a chance to fix it. If you do not send a plumber today to fix the pipe and my ceiling, tomorrow I will inform the authorities that you are intentionally destroying my property and that you have insulted me in your previous emails, that is the reason I have not answered you.
I will inform the owner of the first floor property, I will bring a structural engineer to survey the damage done by you to my property, a plumber to fix your pipe, a mason to fix the wall, a company to kill the black mold and any other damages the you have created and I will take you to court to pay me back for all of the above plus personal damages to me and my wife.
Oh boy !  He has dug for himself a massive hole.  Time to go for the jugular !  So, I gently replied >>>
Stop harassing me and threatening me !   Get your facts straight !  So
sue me !   You will lose and any damages will come to me !
I want a written apology from you.
 I think then he had an oopsy moment, a sort of I screwed up moment as his emails suddenly stopped coming that day.

~The Following Day~

Someone’s in my water meter box !  Probably listening to them singing !  I sent an email.

At 12:11 I saw Cameron, your “builder”, fiddling in the water meter
box of 137 Cañada d r Tesoro. this is more evidence of tampering with
another property without permission.
BTW does Camarillo ring a bell ? Oh boy ! It’s all adding up.



I am sorry and I need to apologize, the water meter at the top belongs to Luis, the owner of the apartment on the ground floor and Camaron was working with Luis to replace the broken valve that shuts-off the water to the ground floor apartment.
The leak was in his bathroom toilet.
He APOLOGISED !  *faint*  I replied >>>
Accepted ! That’s great that Luis’s problem is fixed.
I just wish that Pedro being €240 out of pocket (for 4 slashed tyres)
will be fixed ! Maybe it will.
However did it did not do me any service, on the contrary.
Well, that’s Karma and payback for you !  I then exclaimed >>>
Good !
Karma is working well, isn’t she ?  She gives it out in spades to
anyone who upsets me, or wonders to those who are good to me. She used
water this time for those who upset me. I just had to be patient.
Thank you Karma 🙂
Pedro’s money really upsets me. So, to the person/s involved in
slashing his car tyres, she is coming big time. I will be patient.
Deathly silence

~This Morning~


I don’t think I told you that when I moved here and I was parking my car outside, because of the remodel, someone slashed my front tires.
That was my “Bienvenido a Estacion”.
Uh ?  What ?  On asking around I find that nobody who understands what the heck he’s talking about.  I don’t !  So >>>
Erik Mark Hansen and your wife, Ann, you have been named and shamed !
You, dear Reader, can read a couple of awful comments about his Californian “business” on this website.  Just the tip of the iceberg I expect !

Have you had a run in with anyone ?

I hated to do this post, nothing like me really, but I will not be trampled on.

Ralph xox ❤


320: Older Man

~Why you should choose to be with an older man~

As an older man I am completely useless in finding a woman to come and live with me.  I have come up with a plan and that is to lay it all out on the table, be positive and open.  After reading this you will come running to live with me.  

Here goes.


One:  You will be amazed that an older man can count without using the calculator on a smartphone.

Three:  An older man will probably grab hold of your breast in the street.  That’s okay, he just lost his balance.

Four:   The older man will take longer to get dressed than you and you will probably find him wearing your underwear only because he picked up the nearest thing to put on.

Five:  You may spend many hours in the shower with an older man because both of his hands are grasping tightly on the handrails as he can’t stand up properly.

Six:  You may be dying to have sex with him whereas the older man may be dying when he has sex with you.

Seven:  The older man may ask you why you are wearing a catapult when he sees your thong climbing out of your denims half way up your back.

Eight:  The older man may offer to cook you an amazing dinner then forget why he is in the kitchen.

Nine:  The older man is well travelled and while having a cuddle with you, will call you Yoko, Fatima, Gerta, Mavis and Honey-Bunny all in the same sentence.

Ten:  The older man is great at listening when you tell him of your day of shoe shopping and he will answer you with 75 reasons of why a bicycle chain falls off its wheel sprocket.

See !  I am totally irresistible and incredible !

Oh boy !

You have never met an older man like me, or have you ?

Start running !  No !  This way !  😉

Ralph xox ❤

319: I Need A Holiday !


The last time I went on holiday was to Israel in 2014.  Time for a new adventure.

Where will I go this time ?  Madras, India ?  Or perhaps to the Island Of Elba, Italy ?  Who knows !

Haha !  Very funny China Cat !

Good !  The cats are asleep !  Now where shall I go ?  *thinks*



What now ?  What’s up China Cat ?

Oh dear, I am so sorry for leaving you.  Even with a friend visiting for a couple of minutes each day to feed you, it was a difficult fortnight holiday for me as I was constantly worrying about you.  

It was also difficult being on holiday with my hands as they are.  I couldn’t pick up coins, cut food or do anything much with them … and … my trousers fell down so many times when I had to remove my belt at all the security check points.  I might as well have gone on holiday just wearing my Superman boxers !

I think I’ll forget the whole idea and stay at home.

Oh boy !

Would you like to go on vacation with me … perhaps a cruise in my bedroom ?  🙂

What is your suggestion ?

Ralph xox ❤

318: Tar Wars

Cue music !

Star Wars theme by John Williams


~Episode DIM:  The Farce Awakens~

In a Spanish

mountain village far, far away

Hands Solo (very entertaining for him)

and his lazy, good-for-nothing furry side-kicks ….

…. were invaded by the Park Side.  

Hands Solo (again ? nice !dispatched CO0CO0 and robot China Cat on an important mission.


For heaven’s sake !  It’s a story of what happened !  Where was I ?

~Denuncia Stopped by Local Jedi~

The Park Side, led by queen NewN (new neighbour) had denounced Hands Solo (three times in one post !  Whew !).  

The denuncia was stopped and probably torn up by the Yeti Knights ….

…. I mean “Jedi Knights” (the Guardia Civil police) who put the brakes on her complaint, as the queen NewN was irritating,  irrational and had tried to bribe a Jedi Knight to turn him to the Park Side.  The Farce was with her.

~The Battle Of The Yellow Lines~

The Park Side NewN queen illegally painted yellow lines on the galactic highway.  The commander of the Town Hall was turned to the Park Side by refusing to eliminate these Park Side insignias.


…. from nowhere, in flew Fluke Streetwalker wielding his Light Sabre (it was very light, being made of balsa wood).

Aided by his Merry Men (ooops ! Wrong movie).

Fluke Streetwalker swung his Light Sabre time after time ….

…. until the yellow Park Side insignia was totally destroyed.

~What Will Happen Next ?~

What will happen to the other Park Side insignia ?

Will the Park Side queen order a drone (builder) to repaint the destroyed insignia ?

Will Hands Solo (four times !  Exhausting, but fun !) be ravished by a Princess ?

Will CO0CO0 and robot China Cat be dispatched on an important mission ?

Will the furry side-kicks do anything to enhance this movie ?

Exciting, isn’t it ?  But you guys are no fun.  Oh boy !

~Thoughts Are Things~

I believe that thoughts are things.  

Send out good thoughts, the right thoughts, and your world will right itself.

Send out bad thoughts, hate etc., it will come back and bite you BIG TIME !

A mixed bag of thoughts will just confuse your life.

The choice is yours.

Which type of thinking works for you ?

Or do you get a headache just thinking ?  😉

Happy Easter !

Ralph xox ❤

PS:  As all the post photo files I have saved are in a right mess, I am going to try to number my posts from now on.  If I remember !

Preparation In Changing My Retired WordPress Com Premium Tapestry Theme To An Active Theme

~How do you know if your theme has been retired ?~

I really do love this old Premium Tapestry theme and DO NOT want to change it,  but I have been advised to after a WordPress Com update screwed up my sidebar (now fixed).

A retired theme is a theme which has been removed from the WordPress Com theme list and may one day become totally unfixable.

How do you know if your theme has been retired ?  Click on the three dots (…) in the “Customize/Edit/Stats” pop-up at the bottom of your screen.  If you see no theme name it has been retired.

No theme name … retired

This blog has a theme name, so is on the theme list.

On the WordPress Com theme list

~Finding a theme~

I found the best way is to wander around other blogs.  Here’s a couple I’d like to try ….. THEMES !

I spent a while in the WordPress Forum Premium Theme Support checking for any problems which arose with the themes I fancied.  I found the theme threads I wanted on the Premium Theme Support sidebar.  

(This is the link to the Free Themes Support . It’s not so easy, so use the “Search” box.)

~I just know something will screw up when I change themes~

So I spent an hour or so preparing for the worst.

I opened a new file in my laptop and copied pretty much everything from my Dashboard into Notepads.

I spent a lot of time in “Widgets” copying the Media Library image links, plus the code in Text (especially Flag Counter).  I did this because I’m worried that the Tapestry theme has two widget areas, Header Right & Primary Sidebar and any new theme might have something unexpected which might cause me problems.  

I have hundreds of items in my Media Library and it would take forever to scroll down to find just one widget image.  Text code would be impossible to replicate.  So the copying could come in handy.

~Be brave Ralph !~

Time to visit and try out a new Premium theme, Phoebe & Samantha‘s NATURAL.

(The following process should be the same for all active premium & free themes).

In their blog, click on the three dots (…) in the “Follow” pop-up at the bottom of your screen.  Click on “Get Theme”.


Click on ” Try & Customize”

Viola !

For me a problem.  A single blue fish image (the Tapestry Header Right widget) in the right sidebar.  The rest of the widgets have disappeared, not in the footers, nowhere !  A complete widget/sidebar rebuild needed.  

Damn !

Okay.  I’ll try Wendy‘s BASKERVILLE 2 Premium theme.

Same as before, three dots, get theme.

Damn !  Single blue fish in the sidebar …….. BUT !

Yay !  All the other widgets are in the footer (below the comments)

~Help !  What am I going to do !~

Before I “Customize and Save & Activate” a new theme, do I >>>

1.  Stay with my old TAPESTRY theme until a future WordPress Com update turns it into a train wreck where it will sag into a soggy mess,  dribbling out of the screen, ruining my laptop keyboard ?

2.  Go with Phoebe & Samantha‘s NATURAL theme which needs a total widget/sidebar rebuild ?

or 3.  Wendy‘s BASKERVILLE 2  theme ?  All the widgets are there.  I just need to be able to access the theme’s Dashboard and hope that I can drag and drop the widgets from the footer to the sidebar.

I will need to meditate after writing this post.  This song should help.  Ommmm !

Pure Imagination – Jackie Evancho


Ommmm !  Oh my god !

Ommmm !  ‘flippin’ WordPress !

That’s better !  Meditation works !  *ommmm, mutter, mutter*

Do you meditate on WordPress Com ?

Ralph xox ❤

This post is as is, just to give you an idea of what to do and what problems you might encounter.  You may have NO problems at all with a free single sidebar theme.

Please reblog or share this as you probably have a blogging aunt, who nobody talks about, locked in your attic and she needs to know !  Oh, you ARE that aunt !  Ooops !

~Update:  08 April 2017~

I was fooling around yesterday evening.  I was trying out NATURAL theme, customising, got tired and thought I was saving what I had done.  OMG !


Heck, what a mess !  I was up ALL NIGHT getting my blog straight.

Well ?  What do you think ?


Laziness & Craziness


I was in the process of setting up the photos for another post when I had to break off and tell you this.

Cortes de la Frontera
My village is in the valley behind this town.

When the local Spanish town hall was asked why the illegal yellow lines in the street painted by my new neighbours (NewNs) have not been eradicated after so many months, they said ……… 

….. “We know it is illegal.  We are not going to black out the lines because in the future the NewNs might apply for yellow lines.  Approval may possibly be given.  If all the criteria are met we won’t have to paint the yellow lines again, will we ?”

Is this Sensible, Illegal, Logical, Laziness, or just a joke Yoke ?  

“SILLY”  I reckon !

Oh, and there’s more !

In a previous post someone suggested installing CCTV to monitor Pedro’s car in case the tyres were slashed again.  

After extensive research on using CCTV in Spain I found that CCTV is okay for viewing one’s own private property.  Viewing neighbours, public streets and pathways are a no-no.  Very naughty ! Really BIG fines !

Guess who just installed 4 cameras monitoring our street, my street door and public pathway beside their house ?  My NewNs ! 

Left camera viewing the street  …. not the property.
Left camera aimed at my street door.

Camera mounted on a horizontal pole monitoring the public path, a section of the street and house across the road

Normally I wouldn’t mind, but what happens if one of you tiptoes in to visit me from your country for a weekend secret rendezvous d’amor ? …. (translation: you’ve come to borrow money 🙂 )

Oh, and there’s more !


Okay !  The NewNs think that they now have total control of 2 sides of their house.  The public path has cameras.  The street has cameras and yellow lines.  Now they are trying to control the 3rd side which happens to be me, the young Spanish family below and their father (who lives elsewhere in this Spanish village).

How do they do it ?  Simple.  In conjunction with the two Spanish builders (who have been jack-hammering for the NewNs for months in this work impoverished Spanish village and have to go along with whatever the NewNs say.  Money talks !)  they visited the Guardia Civil (Spanish “military” police) and made out a denuncia (a legal complaint) against me and the 3 Spaniards as a group complaint.  We have done nothing except live our lives normally and are still doing so.  BTW, if a denuncia is proved to be false, heavy fines and/or prison awaits.

As the Guardia Civil have not yet seen me or informed me directly of the contents of the denuncia (probably can’t climb the stairway to my apartment as they are in a heap on the floor due to excessive laughter) I am in a position to relate some gems within the denuncia.  Such as >>>

Complaints against me

He is jealous of our house.

Me bad !  Is it because I am English ?

He bangs on our wall.

Me bad !  Sorry for the echo of you banging on my wall.

He is not nice to me when we talked on the balcony.

Me bad !  I must be nicer to you when I walk away while you were saying nasty things about Toni and another time after your horrendous late night banging which woke up and made a baby boy cry.

Complaint against Toni

When I speak to her nicely, she ignores me.

She bad !  I am sure that in the future she will ignore you when you nicely shout abuse at her. 

Complaint against Pedro

He parked his car in our bit of the street.

He bad !  I am sure that in the future that he will park his car legally in the street.  Oh, that is ALL the street !

Complaint against Toni’s father

He glowered at me.

He bad !  I am sure that next time you shout abuse at him from your balcony he will glower at you nicely.

What, in heavens name, are these people smoking ?

There is a fourth side to the NewNs house …. a field !

Oh boy !

What do you think about all this ?

Ralph xox ❤

Jane’s Blonde: Double Oh Boy !


If you read this post I may have to kill you …. pleasurably.

Cue music !

 ~The Spies Who Spy On Me~

Do you remember my €1200 Toilet Brush post when I bought a new Samsung Smart TV ?


Well, it seems that the CIA and MI5 listen to me when my TV is TURNED OFF !!!

Click on the picture below for more information

The TV is on now so I can’t be overheard talking to you on my voice/typing app.

~Jane’s Blonde File~

If you read this file I may have to kill you …. ecstatically

Agent Jane’s Blonde has been assigned to listen in to Ralph’s home.

Agent Jane’s Blonde

Working in Room 36.24.36 adjacent to the Navel Attache in the CIA headquarters, Dangley, USA, she monitors Ralph day and night.

AJB is highly trained and is at the foot of a successful career ladder.

She came first in Disguises Class.  No-one knows what she really looks like as she can change her look in an instant.

See !

She excelled in her latest course on Interrogation.  Tippex’ing teeth always produced results.

“I’ll tell you everything as I’m such a gossip !”

~Entering Room 36.24.36~

If you see what is in this Room, I may have to kill you …. excitedly

Many weeks of training in Room 36.24.36 preceded her assignment of listening in to Ralph’s conversations.  She is now skilled at pressing the Red Button after the odd mishap.

Such as ….

…. and ….

She finally made the Red Button grade with the unwavering help of ABC, her mentor.

~What Happens When I Turn Off My TV~

If you find out I may have to kill you …. strokingly

My TV is now off.

Agent Jane’s Blonde:  Quick ABC !  Press the Red Button and I’ll start recording !

Agent Button Cat:  Okay Boss !

ABC …. Agent Button Cat

Cue Siren !

Dangley immediately goes on shut-down.  Ralph’s words are piped thoughout the complex.  Thousands of CIA employees stop what they’re doing (having a snooze) and stare at the speakers in anticipation of Ralph’s immortal words.  Such as >>>

Will you stop trying to rip off my shirt !

I like it when you wriggle on my lap, it makes me hot !

No !  Licking my nose will not hurry me up to get your supper.

Whatever turns you on.  Sniffing my slipper ?  Whatever !

No !  You can’t eat my sandwich.  Go and have a biscuit !

I know you get excited, but do stop scratching my leg !

Right !  Bedtime !  Coming ?

Oh boy !

Are you The Spy Who Loves Me,  a definite Dr No,  or even the one to give me the Goldfinger ?

Ralph xox ❤

 All the images, MP3s and gifs are not mine, but my cats are ! Oh boy !

Retired Themes & China Cat’s Survey

~Retired Themes~

The other day my sidebar went haywire.  I moaned and groaned opened up a new thread in the WordPress Forum.  A Happiness Engineer responded.  It seems that my theme (bought in 2012) is out-of-date, old software and has been retired, but they will try to fix any future problems until its totally unfixable.  All new themes are geared up for tablets and smartphones, so prepare to read one photo/one line text posts.  Glorified Twitter !

It seems that all old themes have been retired and may eventually die.  I just hope that I don’t switch on my laptop one morning and find my blog in the WordPress obituary.

I may have to buy a new theme.  I don’t want to !  *throwing tantrum*

Anyway, read all about it here in my WordPress Forum thread

~China Cat’s Survey~

Oh boy !

Could you cope with a retired, tantrum throwing, pet “loving” me ?

Ralph xox ❤

Karma & My Cats Greatest Sayings


And so it goes on !  The soap opera of my new neighbours (NewN)  has escalated !

The builder friend of theirs (who we suspect knifed Pedro’s car tyres) is the only one who parks his car on the illegal yellow lines he had painted.  There are no permissions or legal signs.  Woe betide anyone else who parks there !


The other day the NewN wife apologised to Pedro, but too late as Karma was at work.

Just after midnight on the 23rd another almighty CRASH ! from next door in my Spanish village.  So loud !  

Morning came.  It seems that someone doesn’t like the NewNs.  There were rocks scattered on their first floor balcony and ……….


….. what looked like old engine oil thrown over their garage and front door.  What a mess !


Karma had been busy !  And it wasn’t me !  This is my car  🙂



Enough of that !  Now for some fun !


~My Cats Greatest Sayings~







Now THAT is a quote worth remembering !




Well done Coo Coo !



Excellent China Cat !





NO !  Definitely not.  There is no way I am going to publish your greatest sayings.  Never, I repeat, NEVER !


Ummm …. okay.  On second thoughts.  Oh boy !


Is it you whom I am totally in love with ?

Don’t be shy  😊


Ralph xox ❤



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