Unless something dramatic happens I usually don’t have a clue what I am going to post about next. This post could have been about nothing until I read three UK newspaper items which triggered my imagination and developed into my usual craziness.
It all began with an article about University professors being told not to use capital letters to emphasise the point as it may upset snowflake students. Capital letters in texts means that you are shouting at them and they may cry. The professors were also told not to use the words ” do” and “don’t”.
I am sure that I have many snowflake readers who are really upset by seeing that my post title is in capital letters.
It’s not my fault. I’m not shouting at you. The theme developer made it this way. I wrote normally …
… so don’t cry. Are you crying ?
The next two newspaper articles were even crazier, so I decided to write a play about Ralph’s Snowflake University. The Trumpet University is not in my league.
Ralph, that’s me, the Dean/Don of Ralph’s Snowflake University sitting behind my desk in the Oval Office. Students call me Ding Dong, I’ve no idea why. Anyway, it’s the first day and I am interviewing my one and only student. At US$1 million per week, I only need one student. Her Dad pays an unrefundable bucketload covering the full 3 years in advance and the student usually only lasts one day.
Come in ! Take a seat !
Dragging noises across the floor.
No no ! When I asked you to take a seat, I didn’t mean for you to leave my office and take it home with you. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* The knocking was in capitals and you told me ….
I know. I’m sorry. I should have made myself much clearer to you … umm …
*shuffling through papers*
… Mandy Manning from Many Mansions, Manchester, England.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* No, I am Dy Ning from Y Sions, Chester, England. I hate … I can’t say it … M-A-N or M-E-N, so I am a womxn or a wo. Please treat me that way Ding Dong.
That’s okay Dy. Womxn or wo it is then. I think we may have a problem with what course you are going to take to get your degree at this wonderful University. As you know the University has a directive that students may opt out of any subject which may upset you.
*shuffling through papers*
History, yes, a degree in history should suit you Dy.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* Noooo ! Someone got killed in 33 A.D., so I am opting out.
Okay, that’s Religion down the toilet. I really do have the feeling that you will opt out of the rest of the degrees that our fantastic University offers, such as Business MANagement, Chinese MANdarin, politics in OMAN, horse breeding where you would be up to your elbows in se…
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* My Dad wants me to graduate with a degree. Is there nothing for me ?
Well, we do have a degree in vegetarian diet, including growing MANgos. How about that ?
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* Not really. I am a vegetarian, but love to eat cheese.
Sorry Dy, our gorgeous University doesn’t have a degree for vegedairyans. This was difficult, but, I have the perfect degree for you, Dy, and you can graduate with honours today. Congratulations, you have graduated with a degree in Pathetic Excuses, which is perfect for a career in Insurance Claims, Politics or working in the Benefits Office. You should do well. Congratulations Miss Dy. Good bye.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* I am not a Miss ! I am Ms … Mizzz !
With that parting remark, Mandy flounced out of my office. I hit the intercom button.
Amanda … oops, sorry … Ada, I will be leaving the University for the airport. Please contact my pilot and ask him to prepare for my arrival. I am leaving for the Cayman Islands !
Ralph’s Snowflake University.
Make Universities Great Again !
Ralph xox ❤