Ralph’s Halloween Letter

My Halloween message in advance

Dear Maw, Paw and Kiddos,

Ralph here !!

Yippee !! It’s Halloween evening !! Time for you to have some fun !!

Got your costume ready to put on ? Great !! You have pestered your Maw & Paw for weeks now to buy you the cheap plastic Zombie outfit Jack.

And Jill !! Your witch’s costume fell to bits when you tore it out of the plastic bag but Maw repaired it with duck tape. You won’t notice where she repaired it. Off you go and put it on while Maw gets the face paint ready.

Dressed ? You both look fantastic. You want more blood on your face Jack ? That’s the idea. The more the merrier. Scare the living daylights out of everyone. Oh. Your gang are all going out as Zombies. They all have the same costume as you ? Okay, you got the idea when you sat through all the Zombie movies that Paw watches. He loves them doesn’t he ?

Jill !! Your nose is bent. Oh. It’s meant to be like that. Let Maw paint loads of wrinkles and warts on your pretty young face.

The two of you and Maw had a great time cutting the pumpkin. Jack, you threw all the flesh around the kitchen screaming that you were tearing the brains out of your sister. What fun you had. Why are you crying Jill ? Oh. You hated Jack tearing your brains out. Stop fighting you two !!

Help Maw light the candle in the pumpkin. No. Not with lighter fluid Jack !! The pumpkin farmers did well this year so did the credit card companies, not forgetting the stores making a fortune selling trash and candy,Β  just for you to have a fun evening.

You two Kiddos off out now ? Why were you in the kitchen, Jack ? Oh. You have a boxΒ  of raw eggs and a bag of flour. Great. Oh. They are for that nasty man Ralph who says “Happy Christmas. Every day should be Christmas Day and Halloween is bad”. You are going to do what you did in previous years. Throw the raw eggs that will trickle down his balcony wall and front door. Then pour flour in his letter box because he doesn’t understand that Trick or Treat is training for the Kiddos to become adult extortionists. Give Jack something nice or something nasty will happen to Ralph. He is no fun !!

Don’t forget Kiddos to get as much candy as you can from the neighbours especially the pensioners who really can’t afford candy let alone pay their bills. If they offer a basket of candy, take more than one, be greedy. If you don’t like what candy is offered, give the pensioners the Ralph treatment.

Oh. Really ? Some pensioners switch off their lights and hide until your gang has passed. That’s not nice. Give them the Ralph treatment anyway. Oh. You’ve run out of eggs and flour Jack. That’s okay, set light to their letter boxes. Well, you are unsupervised, so you and your gang can go on the rampage, Jack.

It’s just a bit of fun, isn’t it !!

Happy Christmas !!

Ralph xox πŸ™‚

35 Comments on “Ralph’s Halloween Letter

  1. Definitely Happy Christmas! Halloween is a small happening here. Would you like to come on over for awhile.


    • Hi Gallivanta πŸ˜€
      I agree !!! Happy Christmas ! Thank you so much for the offer of me coming over, but I will make my usual stand against Halloween. Ralph xox πŸ˜€


  2. Happy Christmas already? Sounds good but your version of Halloween is not so nice. I really like Halloween around here where you have fun giving away candies to young kids dressed in cute costumes πŸ™‚

    Have a good weekend Ralph.


    • Hi YC πŸ˜€
      Although this post was written in a sarcastic way there is a lot of truth within the letter. You think it’s cute. That’s fine with me, but I am still going to speak out against extortion ie trick or treat and dressing up in horrendous costumes. But that’s me, sailing against the wind πŸ˜€
      And you, my friend, have a lovely weekend. Ralph xox πŸ˜€


    • Hi Drake πŸ˜€
      I am puzzled by your comment, but I am sure that you and others know what you mean. Yes. Happy Christmas my friend .. Ralph πŸ˜€


  3. This is sad, Ralph. I thought “Trick or Treat” was something that people enjoy doing (sorry, we don’t do it at home — Philippines — so I am totally ignoramus on this).


    • Hi Mocking Bird πŸ˜€ Up until a few years ago I thought that Halloween was just an American thing. The local village Spanish kids have taken it upon themselves as a good excuse to let rip and go wild expecting rewards. Ralph πŸ™„


  4. I see that Halloween is not your most favorite holiday!! Kids in my neck of the woods actually say “Thank you.” It’s not all bad, my friend. And no one throws eggs around here either! I wish you a scary, spooky Halloween anyway!! Love, Amy xox


    • Hi Amy πŸ˜€ I seem to be swimming against the current, but not in quicksand !! I respect yours and all the others views but please don’t wish me a scary, spooky Halloween. Just keep sending me the kisses my friend πŸ˜‰ I hope you are having a lovely weekend Amy. Ralph xox πŸ˜€


  5. Glad my neighborhood is a good jaunt from you. ;). My neighborhood is usually tame, but I usually have my light off. When I buy candy, I end up eating it. 8)

    PS. Light/candle in the ugly -carved-(pumpkin) face. ~~~from above


  6. In our neighborhood & most around here – lights on means ok to trick-or-treat at. Lights out means skip that house. I don’t think we’ve had incidents where a house would get attacked if the lights are out. Well – not that I’ve seen or heard of from any of the neighbors.


    • Hi RoSy πŸ˜€ Seems like you have a great neighbourhood. Do you want to swap ?? Ralph xox πŸ˜€


      • With the views that you have compared to what I have – I sure would… πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚


      • Just houses & more houses. It’s kinda’ flat here & winters can get ugly.
        It could be worse though. I could have no house…


  7. Yes! Happy Christmas! What happened to the innocence of childhood with the simple enjoyment of dressing up and make believe and thankfulness and good manners? I sure hope this Halloween is kinder to you. ((hugs))


    • Hopefully things will be quieter this year as there is not a lot of money in the village to splash out on unnecessities. Big hug to you Rene my friend. Ralph xox πŸ˜€


  8. How sweet. You know, at 17 almost 18, Daniel is still loving Halloween & presently trying to think what they’ll do. never ends!

    You’d make a great grandfather. Just the right spirit for it all.


    • Wow. That’s deep Georgia. I do hope that you have an enjoyable Halloween. A good one πŸ˜€ Ralph xox πŸ˜€


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