The Back of Beyond

A male back (not me) with that area in the middle which just cannot be reached
A male back (not me) with that area in the middle which just cannot be reached


There is a place in my life which causes me much agitation. A place I cannot reach no matter how I twist, turn or force myself. It is the centre of my back, between my shoulder blades. If I have an itch it is there. My itches know where they are safe from my prying hands. Over the years they have tried everywhere on my body and now they have have found a safe place to build a theme park and have a whale of a time at my expense. As I squirm they play !!


back scratching tools which could be modified to add a sponge
back scratching tools which could be modified to add a sponge


I try to fight back, my annual daily shower is my normal fiasco. I have problems holding things. A bar of soap is a roulette wheel ball bearing which bounces and slides round the bath always ending up on zero, the drain hole, blocking it. I have balance problems as well, so to retrieve the soap is an epic journey of discovery as the bath is filling up with soapy water. I daren’t turn the shower off as the temperature is bound to change from freezing blue to boiling Ralph lobster red and I only have 55 litres of hot water to shower with.


I could, of course, use one of my cats !!
I could, of course, use one of my cats !!


I made mistakes in the past in this apartment. Wet shaving or washing the dishes before I have my shower. Half way through my shower, covered in soap, the water went icy. I mean icy !! I had two choices. Finish off, dancing with the cold in the bath or wander around the apartment for a couple of hours covered in soap waiting for the tank to heat up to a bearable temperature. I went with option one, the freezing finish. I am tall and thin with no body fat, so for me cold is a definite no-no !!


The obvious option. Dream on !!
The obvious option. Dream on !!


As you have seen in the googled photographs I have a few methods of defeating my itchy back theme park. my ultimate dream is the woman washing my back ….. hmmm!! ….. Volunteers for such an arduous task are welcome. Hugs and scrubs. Ralph xox πŸ™‚


49 Comments on “The Back of Beyond

    • Ummm !! Aah !! Possibly Len ?? ….. no, that wouldn’t work !! Ummm !! Hugs and a big scrub. Ralph xox πŸ˜€


  1. I feel for you dear Ralph… πŸ˜€
    …It’s a common problem but fortunately there are ways to take care of it! Your methods are efficient alright, but since I’ve been there, I could offer some alternatives, just to enrich your defence:
    1. Do what bears do!

    2. Nice and stylish, deluxe belt with handles

    3. Meditation…


    • Thank you for feeling for me, my new friend Pelly πŸ˜€
      1) A bear in my bath tub is a no-no πŸ˜‰ BUT plant a tree in there is a great idea !! It will be watered regularly and what choices of tree variety. A Bonsai is too small but a Giant Redwood would be one hell of a talking point at one of my parties. πŸ™‚
      2) Good idea. All I need is a woman to use it on me πŸ˜‰
      3) Meditating. Om !! Doesn’t work πŸ˜‰
      Thank you so much for your suggestions I will bare them in mind πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox


    • My angst is being overwhelmed by my miserableness my dear biped friend Carrie. Yet hope is dawning in these comments πŸ˜€ Ralph xox


  2. Ralph , I have to agree, a woman in your case, a hunky fireman in mine, are the very best solutions. So you need to add this line in your ad when looking for the perfect women for you! As for the shower you will need to fix this, as when a woman does that for you in the shower it will take certainly longer than your 55l water last… and ending up freezing together is no fun…… you know what I mean…… πŸ˜‰


    • I would be happy with a female fireman Ute πŸ˜‰
      The hot water storage system is going to be overhauled during the building work on my apartment. The 55l electric heated tank is going to be changed to an 85l. The roof of the extension will lose its slope and on the flat roof I am having installed a solar water panel with storage tank. So, hopefully no freezing fun any more, just lots of happy scrubbing …. whatever ….. πŸ˜€ Ralph xox


      • All ready when the work is finished for your female fireman then….. πŸ™‚ Enjoy!


      • I’ll call you as soon as she has rolled up her hose and smashed her way out of the apartment with her fire axe πŸ˜‰


  3. MFR I don’t know if the comments are the BEST bit, because they are all inspired by you, but they are pretty funny! Freezing in the shower hmmmm There are ways to get warm quickly afterwards, Ute!!! Meanwhile, as my former secretary used to say to me all the time, “No worries, I got your back,” Ralph.” πŸ™‚ xoxoxo Marsha πŸ™‚


    • Probably the shortest but far reaching comment so far Alastair. So this is where you spend the early hours of the morning. I have never used a dating agency especially for FISH πŸ˜‰ Any recommendations ?? πŸ˜€


      • I went for a date yesterday with someone I started to speak to on there. Admittedly I won’t be going to meet her again, but it was a start


  4. Wow !! Sorry it didn’t work out for the two of you. Are you casting your net in there again? πŸ˜€


  5. You have a few problems at hand. I have you tried liquid soap instead of a soap bar? Try to find the one that you can have a good grip around the bottle. Yes, the hot water needs fixing. Can you get bigger tank? The dream one is going to be the toughest one to solve πŸ˜‰


    • Thank you so much for your suggestions, YC, that’s a good idea with the soap bottle and the hot water storage will be upgraded soon. As far as my dream maybe I was spoilt when I was in hospital for a week at the end of last year when a friend’s wife helped me in the shower and gave my back a really good scrub πŸ˜€ Ralph xox


  6. Oh dear! If only I could be your voodoo doll – I would scratch my back & it would relieve the itch. I can reach any & all areas – no problem. Yep- I’m flexible like that πŸ™‚


    • I think I’ll drop the voodoo bit, my flexi-RoSy, but I like the idea of remote scratching πŸ˜€ You say in all areas ??? …… hmmm !! …. πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox


      • Yeah – I think the voodoo bit is a bit out there. Let’s drop that.
        Remote scratching it is! πŸ˜‰
        PeAce xo


      • Looking for one that has an overseas transmission & frequency. Not easy to find one…


  7. I have read all the comments.and some of the commenters are too funny. Loved them all. You’ll feel like a king with the completion of your apartment. Do yo have a mat in the shower and grip bars so that if you lose your balance you will not knock your self cuckoo?



    • Haha Yvonne. πŸ˜€ I think most bloggers would say I’m cuckoo without being knocked senseless falling in the shower. No. No grip bars or bath mat !! As for the king bit, I already have a throne in the bathroom πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox


  8. There is nothing like a long handled Chinese bamboo back- scratcher with a three pronged clawed hand…. ugh ugh… blissssssssss – Verona


    • I can just imagine how a Chinese back scratcher can be so much blisssssss for you Voluptua πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox πŸ˜€


  9. Lovely post and I’ve the same problem. when I need to scratch I call my kids or husband or otherwise a rough towel will also help ! πŸ™‚


    • That’s fantastic to have such a choice of scratchers πŸ˜€ I have towels and I dare not use my cats as they would rip my back to bits πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox


  10. A wooden spoon works in a pinch! Those bamboo scratcher things are the go though Ralph. I have this weird thing that happens whenever I drink wine, which is not often.. The soles of my feet get insanely itchy and though I can reach them , do you know how hard it is to satisfy an itch under that thick skin of the sole of your foot? Impossible!


    • Welcome to the Twilight zone or is it the X-Files? The bamboo scratcher seems to be the bees knees. πŸ™‚
      How can I not laugh at wine induced itchy soles. That must be awful for you, poor soul πŸ˜‰
      Drink ??? Red or white ??? I will drink mine from a shoe if you don’t mind ?? πŸ˜€ Ralph xox


  11. Mmmm….maybe the annual shower was a good idea after all. We have solar panels and they make a big difference to the hot water supply (well, when the sun shines :))


  12. That poor puddy tat!! Can’t even look at the water.

    Ah, that point in the back – funny. And the pic isn’t you?…


    • No, it’s not me in the photo. I have enough problems trying to scratch my back, so there is no hope of me taking a photograph of it and a bamboo back scratcher happens to be a useless photographer πŸ˜‰ Ralph xox


  13. Or you could you get yourself one of those brushes with a long stick that were probably invented by a fellow who shared your problem :). Although I understand why a woman be better ;).


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