Ralph’s Guide On Arguing With Women

with thanks to Roxie who I will never argue with

Now that you have seen the training video I would now like to discuss the method I use on arguing with women.

As I am living alone I will not be thumped, not spoken to for a week or find my dinner in the dog. So here goes. I have been involved in a few arguments with women over the years which usually starts over nothingΒ  something trivial such as

Which colour dress shall I wear this evening.Β Oh. I think the red one looks really nice πŸ™‚Β What’s wrong with the green one ?Β There is nothing wrong with the green one, they are both lovely, you choose then. Why can’t you make a decision. You always leaveΒ  it up to me ! The green one. Definitely the green one. But you said the red one just now. You are so indecisive. Men ! I can never get a straight answer from you !Β  Okay the red. I am sticking with the red.Β It looks really great on you. I can’t wear the red because I wore it 3 months ago at Jane’s party. oh for goodness sakeΒ  Then it will have to be the green one then. It looks smashing on you.Β Oh no ! *tears* I wore that at Jenny’s party. Waaaaaaah ! I have nothing to wear tonight…….

The argument has now reached the crossroads

  1. Come here let me give you a hug. Go away it’s all your fault !!
  2. I am sure you will find something nice. Nice !! You don’t listen do you. I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR TONIGHT !! GOT IT !!
  3. I am just going to check to see if the car is okay. You and your car ! What about me ?!??!
  4. Haven’t you got anything ? I should have listened to your Mother when she told me about ……….
  5. Okay. I’ll cancel………….. CANCEL !! *Posturing* This is my special night and YOU want to cancel !!

My response at this point is to walk away. Take the goldfish for a walk. Fix a blocked drain in my best suit. Anything !! Return in a few minutes very quietly. If I hear …and then you took my best cup and dropped it …… Β  Which happened ten years ago ! Walk away again without being heard or seen. Return after a few more minutes. And if there is silence. Peep into the room she is in and hopefully, yes, she is wearing the RED DRESS !!

Are you like her ? Are you like me ? Or are you different ? A cat on a hot tin roof or a purring pussy cat ?

If there is a resemblance of any blogger being recognised here by their partner it is purely intentional. Fight !!

86 Comments on “Ralph’s Guide On Arguing With Women

  1. Oh my… lol. You poor, dear man. Sounds like the woman in Proverbs who makes her husband want to live in the corner of the attic or out in the wilderness!


    • Well Rene, as I am living in the mountains of Southern Spain, and if I was married, I would opt for the wilderness option with a touch of attic for these cold nights πŸ˜‰


  2. This gave me a giggle! I think you just haven’t found the ‘right’ kind of woman πŸ˜‰ I’ve been asked many a time how I have keep the same man madly in love with me for 23 years…it’s an art!


      I think that you are on to something there Jennifer. An “artist” perhaps or “art” lover? But one who never has an argument is paramount…….just bliss ! πŸ˜€


  3. Ralph – are there really women as stupid and emotionally immature as that? Don’t tell me you fall for baby dolls?
    If those are the only women who cross your path, I’d stick with the cat and the computer, yours acerbically, Vinaigrette or do I mean Verushka?


    • Valerie, oh, Valerie, my dream woman! Well I never ever got mixed up with a bimbo. They were always professional women, nurses etc. I am STUCK with my laptop and 3 cats, a situation I would like to change but harmoniously. You are more Oliva than Vinagre. Love Ralph x


    • Wow, you do have extremes Sheri !! I’m sure that I would find the pussy cat very attractive πŸ˜€


  4. This sounds just like quite a few women I have known over the years. Not all, just quite a few. You know men are from mars, women are from venus (or is the other way around..??) I don’t know, I never could keep those planets straight. The only certain thing is that we (men..) will never win an argument with a woman. It is because women have all the power in relationships…Go ahead, you know its true…..


    • You got the planets right first time Howard. I have noticed that when some women argue they eventually take over both sides of the “enhanced discussion” so the point that I make is taken over and used against me. So I end up in a lose-lose situation. That is when I shut down. I become deaf and my eyes glaze over with thoughts of ” how the hell do I get out of here?” I still love them though πŸ˜€


    • Danke. Es ist wirklich lustig Wolfgang. Machen Sie einen schΓΆnen 2013 πŸ˜€ Ralph


  5. HAHAHA SPITS TEA ROFLMUKNOWWHATOFF!! I had comments until someone up there reminded me to go watch the video! I’ll have to come back after I get the tears to stop coming out!


    • Hi Elisa. I hope that you have recovered somewhat from that funny video clip. Ralph x


      • Ralph, honey bunny? (note the use of toes, i must want something) πŸ˜€
        If you were to wrap a small box shaped object, in shiny paper, and grinned and handed it to me when you thought we might be having one of the miscommunication perhaps arguement moment like the one above, and said…you win dear, and hand me the shiny object, I would love you for creativity and want to kiss you instead of whacking you. Ok, I might still want to hit you with my pan, but, I don’t need to be any sort of mood to do that. I will always remember to kiss your lumps.

        E. x


      • Remember Elisa it has already happened………..the big loud voice…….the computer ?? πŸ˜€


      • uhm oh well yesssssssss I doooooooooo remember that! Every day when I write a new thing or work on photography!

        I like big presents and little presents, which also provide me with an excuse to get give kisses! Points are allll equal! πŸ˜€

        Psst i think that is an area where women and men might generally differ. Your present this evening is a bowl of mashed rutabaga and a night free from nagging about your socks. πŸ˜›


      • OOOOO you just got bonus points! Goes away happy now with music and strings and wind dancing things! Claps with glee!


  6. Thank you Ralph for giving me a lesson, I always knew I did it wrong with letting the man win. I had an early training with my sister when we were kids, she always won, she was bigger and could argue better . Now we are the best of friends. Obviously I will need to work on those arguing skills for the future men in my life…. πŸ™‚


    • Oh No !! I’ve opened your Pandora’s Box dear Ute. Please, oh please, stay as you are, kind, always smiling, never ever argue to win. Please just return to your blog and forget about ever reading this post !! πŸ˜‰


      • No worries, Ralph, I shall close the box again… and keep smiling! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ :-):-):-)


      • Whew. I was having visions of your blog being renamed to Utesneer. But I am not worried now for Utesmile is saved by your closing the box. Well done. Have a big smile back. πŸ˜€ Ralph x


  7. LMAO- So not me. I don’t even ask how I look. I think by the time I get dressed – do may hair & foof up a bit – I look pretty good. So easy when the rest of the days I go casual & make-up free. Works every time – It’s like WOW – LOL


    • Hey RoSy, pretty as a picture with fooffing. Now come on. What’s a foof ??? Is it a cross between fluff and goof ? Hey I’m a man and I haven’t a clue what you mean. Whatever a foof is, it’s a WOW !! The mind boggles πŸ˜‰


      • LOL πŸ˜€
        Foof up – is getting all dolled up – make-up, accessories & all that goes with primping for a glamorous look πŸ˜‰


  8. In our household, it’s more like, “You’re gonna wear THAT?”


    • ROFL. Teresa !! Honestly !! You mean to say that you wear it anyway and say something like “I’m wearing THIS. Any arguments ???” I think you would look beautiful in THAT !! πŸ˜€


      • Hey this from a woman who recently stepped out in a 3 foot high beehive wig, a little black dress, platform heels, and striped socks. I looked fetching.


      • I bet you looked ravenous…… no, ravished…….no, ravishing πŸ˜€


  9. Oh Ralph, my dear, sweet one, you’ve done it again. Shaken me to the bones. Of all the wonderful commenters who visit your site, am I the only “stupid, emotionally immature woman”, who would dare express her views to a man? Of course, the story above is the man’s side of the story,, and one would expect the “quotes” to be exaggerated way out of proportion! In this story the stupid one is asking a MAN for HIS opinion – big mistake. It makes a wonderfully funny story. Not to argue, but from the far side of Venus the story looks and sounds a whole lot different. Fortunately, the women up here on the Far Side with me still love those adorable men from the dark side of Mars. There’s still hope for your Ralph MARSha:)


    • Hi MARS-ha ! I see you have the dark side of Mars even in your name. Who ever said that you are a “stupid, emotionally immature woman”?. I can imagine the total opposite, a take no prisoners, I’m in charge, I am going to do what I want to do, all or nothing sort of woman. There again I could be …….right !!
      Anyway, I am a man and the tale of despair is pretty much true. I cannot embellish the slaughter of a male’s mind by a red or green dress. For heaven’s sake it’s a DRESS not a weapon! I honestly don’t understand how a woman can ask a man his opinion and then destroy him in the same breath. But to me, all women are loveable even when they are psychotic, emotional creatures from a totally different planet with plans to take over the shoe shops of planet Earth. πŸ˜€


      • A tale it is, my dearest one, a well told tale, and humorous tale, told many times and many ways to be enjoyed by all. This time-worn tale make the “POOR” man appear powerless, and in great need of pity and rescuing by and strong-minded, but 100% adoring female that does none of this “psychotic” stuff. YOU are not a POOR LIttle ralphie needing to be rescued by a STRONG, UNEMOTIONAL tadpole. Stand up RALPH. You are 6’5″ tall! You can handle a little red dress! Just whip it off of her, grab the shiny blue one from the closet, and dress her while you say, “This is MY favorite dress on you, Babe,” and give her one of those long, lingering kisses, and a little Italian pinch. Then ask her opinion of your shirt.


      • It may be an old well worn tale but women haven’t changed. They still reduce men to quivering wrecks when emotions fly and reason vanishes in a torrent of words. Okay, I’ll go with the blue dress technique, but when I find that little Italian somewhere in the bedroom, he’ll get more than a pinch, especially if he’s wearing my shirt !! πŸ˜‰


      • Oh yes he is, Marsha!!!….He is definitely a “poor little ralphie.” We are all poor little ralphies when it comes to women. It is impossible to win (even if we wanted to…which we don’t…). We would settle for breaking even once in a while but even that is usually not possible!! Ralph knows the truth of which he speaks…Yep, no doubt about it—women hold all the power!


  10. Reason doesn’t VANISH as though it was on a magic carpet, Ralph. It was right there ALL ALONG, you just couldn’t SEE it! Since, you need BABY STEPS to becoming a Dress handler, Here’s the next line which you say after you get her dolled up in the blue dress, “OOO Babe. Let’s just skip the party tonight. I don’t feel like sharing you.” I guarantee you she’ll be ready for that party in less than 2 minutes, and will beat you to the car! πŸ™‚ (That’s what you wanted wasn’t it – to get to the party on time?) πŸ™‚ MARS – HA!, Female/Male-Power Coach at your service. πŸ™‚


    • I hope you don’t mind Marsha but I fell asleep when I was about to answer this. I had 8 emails in my Outlook when we first started our 3 threads on 3 posts. I now have 91 items in my Outlook. There was a knock on my door and Star, my rescued kitten, was brought back from the vet. She is 1 year old weighing 1 kilo, extremely undernourished and although was eating well is full of worms. She was treated as soon as I got her but is so bad that she will have another 3 half tablet treatment every fortnight. Then Toni arrived with my evening meal. I now have 115 emails. I am going to have to put you on hold until tomorrow at the earliest. I hope you won’t be too upset, but I am getting overwhelmed.


      • Ralph, it’s ok, really! We are just play fighting! I’m not going to be upset. I’m not THAT emotionally immature. I’m sorry to hear about Star. She’s lucky to have you. She sure is adorable. You need a secretary as well as a cook and a vet!! Oh right, that’s a wife. OK dear heart, rest up for our next round. Lots of love, Marsha Lee πŸ™‚


      • Hi Howard, Imagine seeing you over here reading THIS stuff!!! Yikes!!! I thought you were more sensible than to be convinced that this poor woman in the example was psychotic. She really needs a power coach to learn how NOT to ask for a MAN’s opinion. I have lots of experience with that – read Some People are Rude if you get over to my site. But poor Ralph needs a coach worse. He’s not nearly as powerless as he thinks. I think I have some answers that will help him get his balance back, so he won’t have to be tossed around by the lure of the red dress. But I’m sure you have some great advice for him, too. I’ve read some of your thoughts on various subjects. Great seeing you Howard! ML πŸ™‚


  11. Always turn a loaded question back on the questioner…”Well, honey, you make both of them look great. Do you feel more like the “turn everyone’s head when you walk in the room red, or the mysterious and demur green?”


    • So Katie “Do you feel more like the β€œturn everyone’s head when you walk in the room red, or the mysterious and demur green?” πŸ˜‰


      • I feel like – sit on the couch under a blanket flannel. Thanks for asking. 😎


      • Stunning !! Send me a photo and I will forward it to Vogue. It’s about time that magazine had some class πŸ˜€


  12. Oh, that was such a great laugh, Ralph… hahahah πŸ™‚
    Happy New Year to you; I look forward to having more great laughs with you over 2012.
    And, Thank You for our friendship; I adore you..! πŸ˜‰ xoxoxo


    • Hi Carolyn. “I look forward to having more great laughs with you over 2012.” 2012 !! I thought you were up to date over there. Must be the time zone difference !! πŸ˜‰ Yes, let’s have fun this year 2014 πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


      • Clink! Cheers! Time for the Hokey-Cokey! “Put your left leg in, your left leg out, in, out, in, out and shake it all about…………” πŸ™„ Ralph x


  13. Hey dear Ralph! I think your post reads pretty much the same ways as every relationship I’ve ever had πŸ™‚ — very funny, comedy, fiction or fact keep up the good work!


    • Well that makes three of us who have encountered Ms Waaaaaah. I reckon that if a red dress and a green dress were the only choices that any of these lady commenters had half an hour before leaving for a big function they would all become Ms Waaaaaahs. Oh well, that’s my followers reduced by 90% πŸ˜€
      Great comment and thanks MS. Take care….now πŸ˜‰ Ralph


      • Who’s arguing. I only said what’s wrong with the green ? You haven’t got one. WHY NOT ??? πŸ˜‰


      • Firstly, green isn’t my colour, and secondly it was the colour of my school uniform, right down to the socks and knickers. πŸ˜€


      • You SHOULD have a green dress as it would match your lovely palm fronds πŸ˜€


      • I’m getting the picture. But you are all grown up now. Green would really enhance your treasure chest πŸ™‚


  14. I have no idea why the first word out of my mouth when I watched that video was “YAY!”. Then I couldn’t stop laughing. Sorry. Freudian slip? idk…rofl


    • YAY !! A word which has been shouted out many times I expect Lyann πŸ˜€


  15. This is great, Ralph. Have you considered writing one-act plays to get people talking (and make them smile)? I loved it.


    • Good morning Marylin. What a lovely comment to wake up to this frosty Sunday morning in the mountains of Southern Spain. No. I haven’t considered writing plays, books or even posts on this blog. πŸ˜‰ Big hug. Ralph x


  16. This is hilarious – I love it!!!! You’ve got me cracking up. The red one, the green one but the red one you said.

    Oh, choice. Thank you! πŸ™‚


    • The red one it is Noeleen. Your picture on my sidebar followers shows you in a stunning red number. Choice !! Hugs Ralph x


  17. A whole article of advice? *chuckles* There is only one thing a man needs to know about arguing with a woman… Don’t. πŸ™‚

    Works every time…:-)

    Great blog… keeps me chuckling.


    • Hey Echo welcome and thanks for the follow and advice. Don’t !! I totally agree, but their middle name is “entrapment” πŸ˜‰


      • Now would we do a thing like that…? *flutters eyelashes in innocence*… and think very, very carefully before you answer…. πŸ˜‰


  18. More like a guide to arguing with a psycho haha! God, I wouldn’t put up with that for a second these days. Though I have been in a similar situation with an ex, it would take very little to set off an emotional outbreak of crying that I’d have to spend the next 30 minutes at least, making up for with cuddles and kind words.

    Thanks god for emotionally stable, decent people, they do exist!

    Great post πŸ™‚



    • Hi Rohan. Thanks for your great comment.
      *pleading* Would you please send one “emotionally stable, decent people, they do exist!” my way πŸ˜‰


      • Haha, if only it were as simple as that. The only thing I can say, and what worked for me, is that when we stop putting up with nonsense, games, drama and emotional manipulation, all that’s left is either a happy and peaceful you, or a happy and peaceful you plus an emotionally stable and decent person πŸ˜‰

        It’s not about looking for the good people, it’s more about not putting up with the destructive ones ha!



      • Destructive can be in the eye of the controlling beholder. If I clear out all near to me, trying to achieve entire lack of resistance to my every thought, wish, and desire, I think I’d soon find out that I couldn’t escape myself.

        No one even mentioned getting me new purple attire Ralph, did you notice that not one stated that a new outfit should be forthcoming, nor the wish under all of that blustering.


  19. Thanks Ralph for coming by my place and dropping all those likes on me. What I’ve read in your post here it sounds like I need to stay away from making any comments. I’ll pass.


  20. Ahhh Ralphie…. I can’t imagine any woman ever wanting to womp you over the head! But it does seems as the ones who have had the opportunity to change your sweet mind about us women have spoiled it for those who might be deserving of your company! I do have a little piece of advice for all married men or men close to it… A tidbit that a guy named Gary Smalley teaches…. When a woman tells you to GET OUT, she is really saying Hold me like you’ll never let me go.
    Just saying…. if men could “GET” that…. they would have one up on us women! πŸ˜‰


    • I’ll remember your words of wisdom Diane. But why, oh why do women say one thing and mean the complete opposite? And why is it when a man is expecting a yes or no answer, it becomes a debate of epic proportions? What fun we have πŸ˜€ xox


      • I don’t do that Ralph, I think it’s horribly bad form. I think that stuff falls under the word ‘coy’, but I’m still not sure what exactly that means, implied or direct. Sometimes, still, I will say that I am ‘fine’ when I am not. I usually follow that up with…I’m fine until I figure it out, until then you have amnesty from having to guess. If I say don’t touch me and someone does, assault or rape or harassment charges are coming if one does.


      • Well done Elisa. It’s nice to hear that you say it as it is πŸ˜€


  21. This laugh just turned up in Spam for this post:

    “thanks, i’ll need this information for my homework.”


    • Thank you. Wow. I forgot all about this post. Thank you BCG for reminding me πŸ˜€


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