For Sale: Bachelor. Slightly Used

Ralph on a good dayTime for a bit of fun. I need some and I’m sure you do. It’s been a while since I last scribbled a post, so here goes. The subject I have chosen is myself for sale. Probably an idiotic idea but let’s see what happens. Mind you, most of my ideas, posts and comment replies are daft, so no change there. How in the heck can I not only put myself up for sale but do it in such a way that someone will buy me. I am not exactly Superman or Rambo, more like a cross between Mr Bean and Ghandi.

What have I got to offer the prospective buyer. Physically I am knackered. I can’t say that !! I am a mature wine at the point of turning into vinegar. No !! I am an antique car one finds in a barn, rusty, covered in hay and chicken guano with a tree growing up through the floor. A car which needs a lot of work, care, restoration and hours of pampering, love and attention. I like that so I will go with this.Got him !!

Mentally. Hmmm ! Difficult one. My intelligence is boundless, leaping from brilliance to nonsense. I am an scientist of art, an artist of science. I have recently had a brain scan and the doctors could find nothing of interest. What in the heck does that mean ? That my brain is in my pants or my pants are in my brain. Or maybe, just maybe they think I am normal. Did they switch the machine on ??? moneymoney 1Mind you, it is Spain, so the doctors probably have made the assumption that Englishmen are madΒ  anyway.

What can I offer the potential buyer. Well, I can offer….hmmm… and…aaah. I have my own income so a millionairess wouldn’t be interested and anyway she probably started off as a billionairess and spent her way to down to a million. I can offer enthralling conversation, like “Hello, who are you ?” or “Did you have a brain scan before buying me?” or “Are you from Help The Aged ?”

Offers ofΒ  below 20 cents or above 20 pence will be seriously considered.

58 Comments on “For Sale: Bachelor. Slightly Used

  1. I think you should start the bidding a little higher, my friend.
    I might consider buying that gown, however, for 20 cents.


    • It’s very difficult for me to put a price on myself Teresa. How about $2731.53, a nice round figure ! The gown is not for sale unless you tell me it is for sale πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


      • that’s better, but I still bet you’re worth more.


      • I have had an offer of 20p so far which was found in a washing machine. So what do you think I am worth, but more importantly, what is your bid? πŸ™‚


  2. Oh dear Ralph-
    LMAO πŸ˜€
    Goodness – I’m rather surprised that you don’t have a sold sign on here already!


      • Hi Silver. I am embarrassed to say that I was expecting me to pay someone to take me away. Have a lovely week Silver. Ralph x


  3. This is really great , did make me laugh! So I found 20 p in the washing machine, will that do? I don’t think I can raise that extra penny to be above 20p as posted. 😦
    You got a great sense of humour ….or ….is that real???????? πŸ˜€


    • Ute. Yes. I’m afraid so. The humour is real ! I will have to go away and think about your generous offer of 20p. Hugs. Ralph x


  4. Oh my Ralph, I don’t know where to start as the American dollar isn’t worth much anymore.
    I’ve maxed my credit cards (both of them). I still owe on my car …Oh wait I have a lucky jar (money I find in washer or dryer) be right back….pant pant gasp…should…not…run..up…down stairs…so quickly..sucking air quickly. Yea! I have $1.37 cents will that be a sufficient bid? πŸ™‚


    • I just spent $1.37 in phoning an ambulance for you Len. You okay now ? Not much use calling them if your cards are maxed. Wow, an American lady with with ONLY two credit cards !! You live and learn. Hugs (CPR) Ralph x


      • LOL thank you Ralph for starting off my week with such a great laugh. I am recovering from broncitis and feeling poorly so this was perfect! Oh and thank you for calling the ambulance (may very well need it) as for 2 credit cards yes each with only a 1,000 $ limit..learned my lesson long time ago! thank you again for the friendly banter!


      • You must stop riding the bucking bronco and your bronchitis will disappear πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


      • Oh you silly man but I love it! LOL


  5. LOL… Hmm… well, seeing that I am married, even though somewhat separated, I can’t really bid, now, can I? But even if I could, with the little I know of you already, you are definitely worth more than 20p! Or even $2731.53!


    • Wow. Thank you Rene, an almost bid !! I hope your “somewhat” becomes resolved positively for you. Take care. Ralph x πŸ™‚


  6. I bid $1 (Australian dollar that is). Ralph our currency is holding up quite well on the world market, so my bid is quite generous. However, I have one small problem. Do I have to pay the freight charges…!?! This would add quite considerably to the $1 bid, I’m thinking. Not that you are not worth the freight… Oh heck, alright… I’ll throw in the freight cost too…. By the way; do you have your own set of wings, by any chance…. ???


    • Hello again Carolyn. Oh. You’re Australian !! Just woke up then. Let’s see…just getting my calculator out….tap, tap, tap…plus have wings…long way to fly by Ralph Air. Add VAT, fuel, wages, in flight entertainment…..whew….that’s $0.72 Carolyn. I could just go walkabout and wander off around the world. A lot to consider. Serious business this bidding for me πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


  7. Saving my money for a Chicken McNugget shaped like Elvis.


    • I am sure that what you really meant to say Alice is that you are saving your money for a Chicken McNugget the SIZE of Elvis. πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


  8. You are so funny but something like this post might be just the thing to grab some attractive, kind woman. I do agree with one of your commenters, I would up the ante! πŸ™‚


    • Wow. Do you really think so LuAnn. You are getting me all excited now. πŸ˜€ Happy camping guys. Ralph x


  9. I need to know if there are any sales tax or shipping and handling fees?…ok that sounds a bit stranger than intended! What have you got me typing Ra?


  10. Your post always make me laugh, I must give some offer for you. Mmmmm and why you didn’t put a a sold sign on here. I must go to the money changer or do you accept payment by Paypal ?? And after i pay when i can get you?? πŸ˜€ Definitely your worth more than 20 pence, because you’re special ……lol


    • Hi Yessie. You can pay through PenPal or by Mastervisadebitcredit card which has been cut in half. I hope that helps. Delivery is within 24 hours the day before yesterday. Would you like a message card to go with the package? Please put this in spam for immediate attention from one of our specially trained staff… !! Sold Signs free if your order was placed under the front door mat. Please call my helpline number 24/7 except Mondays to Sundays and holidays. πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


      • πŸ˜€ … I prefer to pay by Penpal and I hope it will be delivered as soon as possible and yes I like a message card on the package. Don’t forget … to deliver with carefully because you’re so fragile lol …..


      • Hang on a minute Yessie. You haven’t made an offer yet !! πŸ˜‰ Ralph x


  11. LOL ! First time I’ve read such a sale. Now I’ve seen all, or read all. Nothing will surprise me now. ^__^


  12. Hello Renxkyoko. This is much more fun than Ebay or Christies πŸ˜€ Ralph x


  13. Is this an auction, or are you going at a fixed price…though I can’t afford you either way…

    Hope you find a loving millionairesse who can offer a top bid…


    • Valerie. One of my best hopes dashed. Oh Well. Maybe next time. Ralph x πŸ˜€


  14. As usual – you make me laugh!
    I think you ought to put sold sign on here by now!
    Take Care,


    • Now, Daniela, I thought that you would have been a prime purchaser. I have had 3 offers…. UK 20p…….US $1.37…..AU $1. I am going with the 20p at the moment. No sign of a sign yet !!
      Take care. Ralph x


  15. Hmmm … on a second thought – how come only ‘slightly used?’


    • Well, I couldn’t say “one careful owner” or “one woman driver” otherwise I would have Trading Standards getting on to me. πŸ˜‰


    • Hi again b&wc. The wedding dress and ball gown are advertising gimmicks as all the ladies would love to wear them and I would love to see them attired in such a way. Have a lovely week. Ralph x………why haven’t you forked out for me??


  16. Ralph, you’re well worth the equivalent of $5 American Dollars, and if I must, I’ll bid higher. Your wit alone is delightful and in demand, as you see here! But you haven’t said what all comes with the package…please no debts or pets, have enough of my own, LOL! Always enjoy your posts, they’re so witty!


  17. Wow, Roxie !! You must be a millionairess to squander the huge amount of $5US on bidding for me. I come with a multitude of optional extras including charm, stamina, I’m English with that funny English accent, I spell differently..D..I..F..F..E..R..E..N..T..L..Y see !! Plus so much more. Ralph x


  18. LOL!
    Guess all the bidding has been already done 😦 So you’ve been sold or not? =p


    • I honestly don’t know if I have been sold Sarin. I got so confused with the different offers and terms and conditions that in the end I bought myself…I think !!! Anyway you need your money for chocolate and chips πŸ˜€


  19. That’s so funny Ralph! A Brit myself (ex-pat) I love your humour. – Tovah


    • Hi Tovah. I just love the banter and the ones that give me a hard time. Now that’s an opening for you !! Ralph x


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