Uncle Ralph – Agony Uncle

Not Uncle Ralph's advice

Welcome to Uncle Ralph’s Agony Comments

Please put your question to Uncle Ralph and expect the reply of all replies

(Please keep your questions short and my answers will be say, entertaining)

Your question can be on ANY subject

This IS going to fun

43 Comments on “Uncle Ralph – Agony Uncle

  1. Dear Uncle Ralph,
    I haven’t heard from Fred in weeks. He used to sing to me every morning, warn me if a storm was coming, and guard my front door when I was out. I miss him terribly and don’t know what I should do. I’m afraid the little frog living under my door wreath has no cell phone. Thanks for any advice you may have.


    • Dear Katie. You MUST stop kissing Princes Katie. Cell phone reception under the wreath is poor I suggest cable TV. Fred has run off to Vegas and has a gig there. I suggest you train your frog to croak, warn and guard. Uncle Ralph X


  2. Dear Uncle Ralph in Agony,
    Whenever I start craving for chocolate or chips, I never find them in my house since there isn’t any. Please tell me what should I do? 🙂
    Also, what should one do with the stinky feet after wearing socks for 12-13 hours a day?

    Love, disturbed teen.


    • Dear Disturbed Teen. Being boring…. I could say for you to start a Laundry business,use Happy Feet washing powder, as the washing soaps drain the feet can be washed, the socks will gleam and you will earn enough money to fill your house with chocolates and chips forever……but I won’t say that. Your sister ate them all and she is the one with the stinky feet. So tell your Mum !! Uncle Ralph 😉


      • Hahahah! Uncle Ralph, my mom says thank YOU and is sending a big thankyou cake over to Spain! 😀 I’ll make sure, my sister is kicked out of the house. Yes, I’m sorry, but my chocolates and chips are more precious to me 😦


      • Please tell your Mum, Sarin, that Uncle Ralph cannot accept payment by cake as I offer a free and totally unbiased service 😉 I am sure your sister is sorry and that both of you can live and share chocolates and chips together in PEACE !! Uncle Ralph


      • Haha, no it’s a thankyou cake, not the payment for the awesome adivce you provided us with, Uncle Ralph.
        & yes. That’s exactly what we’re planning to do now 😉


  3. Dear Ralph,
    I have this ‘Uncle’ Ralph person, and he seems to always be wanting me to share the fun. This request helps me to express my gleefully chirpy and happy self, except that the gleefully chirpy happy self is quite often having dirty fun thoughts. It’s can become quite distracting. Sadly, for my chirpytude, the mood was broken this morning when the cd player in the car went quiet and then I heard that spinning sound. You know, the one when changing tracks? While waiting, I pondered ANY thing and began to decide that my version of anything might be too much, and then the cd player fired the cd out into the car and straight for my nose! I jumped and nearly let go of the steering in surprise. I laughed hysterically and was anxious at the same time. I wonder, truly, what my friend Ralph thinks is fun.

    CD Assassin Survivor


    • Dear CD Assassin Survivor. I have spent almost a second pondering over how I would reply to your question….what Uncle Ralph thinks is fun……reading YOUR comment !! That’s the best fun I have had all day. I suggest next time you try to play a CD in your car…..get someone else to drive….and have a good laugh. Uncle Ralph


  4. Dear Uncle Ralph,
    It is morning in my corner of the globe. Sunday morning to be precise. And I nearly fell of my bed reading your post! I was secretly wondering how long will take you to realize your unsurpassed powers of wit and wisdom and start such column. Now we are here. So I can ask questions. It is still Sunday morning, sun is high and day looks promising at least meteorologically. There is no sound in the house. What is wrong with me?
    Thank you in advance,


  5. This is very serious Daniela. I have consulted all the doctors in Uncle Ralph’s Infirmary and we have come to the conclusion that because you are a Croatian living in New Zealand for too long without treatment that you must act now. Without delay. You are to do a handstand for 12 hours a day for the next month which will cure you of the soundlessness that you are experiencing. We also suggest that while handstanding you are to sing the Croatian National Anthem which will bring back the rain. Uncle Ralph


    • The so called ‘very serious Daniela’ is laughing with delight! I must say the cure seems rather difficult to preform but I will give it my best shot! Alternatively you could have suggested I just turn the music on!
      Take Care,


      • Oh No Daniela. to put your music on would create an International Incident !! the neighbours would complain; the police would be called; you would be deported back to Croatia who would not know what to do with a New Zealandised Croatian woman; the UN would be called in : Russia will panic and missiles will fly. Uncle Ralph


    • There are two ways to resolve your problem Carolyn. Firstly if you live in Australia it is normal for a possum to nest in the roof of your mouth. Regular flossing will dislodge the creature. Secondly is it real or just playing possum? I believe that it is playing possum and not real, so you are hallucinating. Take two magic mushrooms and you will back to your usual self 😉 Uncle Ralph


      • Dear Uncle Ralph,

        I’m laughing so hard; it has solved the problem!
        That rascally possum was dislodged and leaped out from mouth/roof never to be seen again. However, I shall gladly take your advice if it returns… Can you please ship some of those mushrooms to me at your earliest convenience…!
        Yours in absolute purity
        With gratitude
        Carolyn – less one possum…
        You are so funny, Ralph…. I enjoy your humour tremendously.. xoxoxo


  6. Dear Uncle Ralph,
    These fall temps are killing me. My extremities are about to fall off from the cold & we’re not even close to winter yet. My nose, toes & fingertips are turning blue. What should I do to help keep my parts warm & intact?
    Shiver me Timbers


  7. Dear Shiver me Timbers. Living, wearing only a bikini, in your refrigerator is not healthy for you. You will always fall out when the door is opened. I suggest you move to your oven switched to a warm setting or lay on top of a radiator with your cat. As winter is approaching I suggest you wear a one piece swimsuit. Your little pinkies should now be pink, not blue. Uncle Ralph


  8. Dear Uncle Ralph,
    I have discovered a bedbug in my bed. As I am single, I welcomed a partner and didn’t have the courage to kill it. Still as Mr Google says it is not healthy with bedbugs, but I am craving company……what shall I do? ( I did try kissing it but it didn’t turn into a prince or George Clooney)

    yours bugged Ute x


    • Dear bugged Ute. The answer is a simple application of placing a bolster/long pillow lengthways down your bed with you one side and the bedbug the other. While half asleep you can cuddle up to the bolster thinking of a prince or George Clooney, whereas the bedbug will also thinking of a prince or George Clooney as lunch, will be disappointed, as you will be. The bedbug will depart heading for dinner, George Clooney in the USA. You can then immediately replace the bolster with a prince through Mr Google. Uncle Ralph


  9. Hi my uncle ……
    Oh I miss your post :D.
    And we back to Monday again, why is everybody hate Monday. I wake up late and running 10 minutes late to work. At the moment I feel so boring but I have a hard time with meeting at 5.00 pm, hoping no body start an argument with me …. please help me out ….. 😀


  10. Hello my niece (I must check my family tree) Yes. I do have a part time job as a postman. I have consulted my scientists of clock keeping (SOCK) and you have permission to create your own time zone and calendar. Yessie Eastern Time International (YETI). You will now wake up on time. You have only Fridays on your new calendar, so everyday you will wake up (on time) and say to yourself that it’s great that it’s the weekend tomorrow. You will be so happy at 5pm knowing that after the meeting it’s Friday evening. Girl’s night out…..every night !! Uncle Ralph


    • Hallo Wolfgang. Ich verstehe, dass Sie nicht ein Problem für mich, und dass Sie zeigen mir Ihren YouTube Bilder von Ihrem lokalen Waldarbeiter Show. Es war sehr interessant und einige schöne Arbeit erstellt. Die beiden Fotos, die Sie erwähnen, welche davon waren sie. Ich kann google translate so Ihre deutsche Antwort ist okay. Uncle Ralph


      • Danke für das Schreiben in Deutsch. Wir übersetzen alles mit Programmen.
        Wir machen immer Fotos von erlebten das gut ist. Wir waren nur: Gast-Zuschauer.
        Liebe Grüße von uns. Gisela und Wolfgang

        Thanks for writing in German. We translate everything with programs.
        We always saw the photos is good. We were only: Guest Viewers.
        Love from us. Gisela and Wolfgang


    • Thank you so much, Daydreamer. I love your name. Hugs. Ralph x :DD


  11. Hmm – should I pack my problems in a square box or round one when I move ? I’m not sure how problems prefer to travel. Rolling around or bouncing off the walls ?


    • Dear Rolling Around and Bouncing Off Walls? I bet you ARE fun 😉 My really boring response is to say leave your problems at home as they are prone to travel sickness. But as this is Uncle Ralph’s Agony Uncle I have to sing to you to “Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile !!” Uncle Ralph 😀


  12. Yikes! Huge problem with his reading or reasoning…abilities. Sounds like he’s got the dreaded ‘ain’t listening disease’! Must say I’m disappointed the guy hails from the southern area of US, geez, could be my neighbor! 😦


    • Dear Roxie. Geez your neighbour is not going to be a happy bunny to hear that you are disappointed in him even though you know that he has the Ain’t Listening Disease. That is why Geez and his friend Yikes have a huge problem with reading and reasoning. I suggest you take a bag of cookies around and apologise. 😉 Uncle Ralph


  13. I shall do that sir, thank you kindly for your delightful wisdom…may even use a nice Cabernet to break the ice 😉


    • A bottle of Cabernet is very strong and can break a lot of ice. If you have another problem please do not hesitate to contact Uncle Ralph 😉


  14. I know you’ve called for fun questions, but truth is, I don’t know why my Hyundai 2001 needs me to top up the oil between services. I just think the oil should last between services. Nope, not leaking or burning… I just don’t know.

    Not a Q actually expecting an answer, but you had me think of it…


    • Dear Noeleen. This is indeed a puzzle to solve. I have left no stone unturned in the cat litter tray. I have racked my brain and have arrived at the reason why you have to top up your Hyundai 2001 with oil between services. The answer is so simple. The oil is dripping out of the filler cap because you live upside down in Australia. Uncle Ralph 😀


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