Two bricks and a camel

Happy vasectomyThirty odd years ago when I was thirty odd years old I was happily married with two young daughters. The money was rolling in as I was a contractor in Saudi Arabia. The contracts required me to go alone to the Middle East and my family lived happily in my house in England. Contracts usually entailed up to six months of work in Saudi Arabia and a month’s holiday. It was the day before I was due to fly back to Riyadh for another six months work. So my story begins.

Usually the day before flying back I take the family out for a meal and a treat, but this day my wife said that she had a treat for me. The children were left with a friend and my wife and I set off in the car for nearby Portsmouth, England. I had a smile on my face thinking all sorts of thoughts including erotic ones. She said that she had to stop at the hospital where she worked as a nurse to pick up something that she left there. I went in with her. Big mistake !!

We entered a room in the hospital with a couple of chairs and a couch. Then she dropped the bombshell. She quietly explained to me that she knew I would say no if she told me before. She had booked and paid for me to have a vasectomy as the birth control tablets made her ill and neither of us liked to use condoms. Panic!! My poor family jewels about to torn asunder! Suddenly the joke of the Arab whose sole vocation was to castrate camels with two bricks entered my head. Asked if it hurts the arab replied, “Only when my fingers get caught between the bricks!”

A glazed resignation hit me. I was in shock. Next thing I knew I was naked except for a blue gown WIDE OPEN at the back! A man came in with a trolley, pushed me onto the couch and proceeded to brush shaving cream around my treasured possessions. And THEN he started to sharpen a GIANT cut throat razor blade. Panic!. Like the Three Musketeers, in seconds he had finished, wiped clean and gone. I didn’t have time to do a head count when in a came a nurse with another trolley and in seconds had injected me with a local anaesthetic. Heck! Help! Horror! Ten minutes later I had to pee just as the nurse came in to say they were ready for me. I ran off down the corridor with my bare back open to the world. Main exit to the left, toilets to the right. Decision time! The nurse decided for me as she pushed me into the toilet. Within minutes I was in and out of the Star Trek operating theatre. With my poor little fellows wrapped in a muslin bag I was dressed and in the car heading home. I think this was the first day of the downward spiral towards divorce.

The next day I was on a Boeing 747 taking off for Riyadh. I was in a lot of pain jammed in aircraft seats designed for dwarves. Well, I am very tall! I couldn’t move. So I called the stewardess (another big mistake) and told her of my pain, what had happened and where it was. She dashed down the aisle giggling disappearing behind the kitchen curtains. Every few seconds a different stewardess’s head popped out behind the curtain giggled and disappeared back behind the curtain. A male steward came up to me and moved me to an entrance door seat. Bliss! I could stretch my legs out and move to comfortable positions. During the whole five hour flight a different stewardess would come up to me and with a teasing smile asked if there was anything she could do to make me more comfortable.

What a day NOT to join the mile high club !!

104 Comments on “Two bricks and a camel

  1. YES, he shared it!!

    What had you thinking of this today?? Did you prop open the door with bricks and were suddenly transported?

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  2. Haha, I was drinking tea whilst I read this and now its on my laptop screen. All you wanted was a trip to Portsmouth, and how your day changed.

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    • Yes MicroRead. Not only did my day change but also did my life. 😀
      Have a great weekend. Ralph

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  3. Is this April 1st..?
    Ralph, what were you thinking, or not thinking…. Main exit to the left man…!
    The pee could wait…. 😉

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    • A moment’s hesitation on my part and the nurse got me! What a rugby player she could be! On second thoughts, she probably was!!
      Live long and prosper Carolyn. Ralph x

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  4. Wow! That’s all I can say is “Wow!” Did your marriage survive this, um, surprise?

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    • Sorry to say no, Karen. I do just happen to be unattached at the moment…..hmmmph!
      Take care. Ralph x

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  5. This is a very funny story, and nicely written, but it didn’t really happen, did it? Tell me this is fiction….

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  6. snip, snip — oh sorry — I say this to my husband all the time and he finds it all about as funny as you do–though he volunteered for the operation as we had two premature boys (now healthy as horses and in their twenties). no one likes to be tricked–therefore I do feel for you —

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  7. All I can say is that this was a rather insensitive way for your wife to present such news to you. Thanks for sharing your story Ralph 🙂

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    • Thirty years down the line LuAnn!! I have seen the funny side of this for a few years now. I don’t bear any grudges. Quite a story, eh!
      Take care both of you. Ralph x

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      • You are such a sweet man! Why hasn’t some lovely Spanish woman snatched you up? 🙂

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      • Probably because thay are all married to their brothers or cousins around here. I stand no chance 😉

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    • Have a nice weekend yourself Wolfgang. Is your wife planning a treat for you? 😉 😉

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  8. Mssr. Ralph(ie)?

    Seee what all of your talk about plumbing did?!?! The camels are certainly NOT thirsty at my house. There is an oasis of water inflating the paint like giant teats down from the drywall in the utility closet. The 3/4 inch pipe is still spraying out water effectively. Apparently, it did not meet your ex wife and medial staff members. The effective maintenance personnel member is done ripping down the sheet rock and will now dissect said cold pipe and do a thingie so he does not even have to solder!

    Is what I get for teasing you all day in my head about leaks and plumbing. ha

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  9. oh my – what an enjoyable read – sorry it was at the expense of your precious jewels !

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    • If there was a next time Tina I would keep them in the Tower of London with the Crown Jewels 😀

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    • Hi Yessie. I am having a great weekend after reading your comment and I hope that you have one too. Ralph x

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  10. Your story, Ralph shows us that life is a battle between hard and happiness! So we spread out in front of all kinds of obstacles. It is important for us to get them … become so powerful! You’ve gone! So, you are a strong person!
    Thank you for your story shared with us a little comic you STILL!
    Be blessed with happiness, Ralph!
    All the best to be for you!
    Have a great day, Ralph! Love, Stefania! 🙂

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    • Hello again Stefania. I haven’t a clue what you are trying to say but I do like the “powerful” and “strong”. “You’ve gone”?? I am still here !! I do love the way google translate confuses us sometimes. Your comment has also made my weekend Stefania. Love as always. Ralph x

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      • I understand, Ralph. I’m so sorry you did not understand! I told me that sometimes life brings happiness, sometimes sadness … It is very important for us to deal with all that life gives us. Sometimes the sadness makes us stronger! Sometimes destroy! It depends on each of us, as we want to be! If you struggle to overcome the sadness … then transformed into joy!
        You, Ralph, have exceeded your moments of sadness! Now, you are strong, Ralph!  I hope now you understand a little more! I hope I did not upset!
        Have a wonderful day! Love Stefania! 🙂

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      • I now really do understand what you are saying Stefania and I do agree with you entirely. I feel that I am a stronger person after enduring many trials during my life, but now is the time for fun and happiness (for five minutes 😉 ). Love Ralph x

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  11. For God’s sake man – I cannot believe you did not run for your life! And how on Earth could anyone, I mean anyone stage something like that! I am outraged on your behalf … even though thirty years later it hardly makes a difference -:)))!

    Daniela

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    • I dreaded answering you Daniela as I consider myself told off in uncertain terms. Smack my wrist !! Thirty years later has made a difference. I wonder how many little Ralphs would have been running around if this episode never happened 😉
      You always make me work for an answer Daniela. Please keep commenting. Ralph x

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    • You’re welcome Denise. No treat from you !!! (whew 😉 ). Have a fun weekend. Ralph x

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  12. What a cruel bomb shell to drop on you out of the blue! Cruel, cruel, cruel. Sounds like a dictatorship marriage. I say no more.

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    • Thank you for your concern Valentina. I have forgiven her but parts of me have not 😉
      Have a lovely weekend. Ralph x

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  13. Ralph, this story was totally hysterical. Loved it! I believe you have given the phrase “she’s got you by the balls” a whole new meaning.

    Emily

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    • Hi Emily. It’s been a while since we spoke. Nice to hear from you. There are three commenteers who give me a hard time. You are the second. And I love it. I could have used that as a headline but didn’t think of it. Duh! At least you also did not have a treat for me. Thank heavens. 😀
      Have a nice weekend Emily. Ralph x

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  14. Goodness Ralph you certain can pick interesting topics for conversation. No words to describe my feelings (well okay I’m laughing, but you meant the reader to) Always a great read on your blog whether serious or not, I always enjoy my visit. Hope you week is a good one for you, Penny 🙂

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    • Hi Penny. I do love your comments and this one is no exception. I don’t purposely intend for people to laugh. The post turned out to be a Sitcom probably due to my thoughts and emotions I felt at the time. The post is true except for the last sentence which I used to close the piece. When I write posts the major headache I have is the subject. Once I have decided on what to write the rest is easy as it is already written in history. This post took me about an hour to write with no editing and rewrites, only typo and spelling which I correct as I’m going along. So it is raw, unworked and published immediately after the last word is put down. I like to do it that way. All my posts are written the same way. I feel the soul of the piece is lost if reworked and edited.
      Take care and thanks again for your comment Penny. Ralph x

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      • Yes, but you see that’s the thing Ralph, that is truly the way it should be, the way you write I mean. When you say it is raw, I think it is real, and I’m guessing the cartoon at the top was an indicator (to me) that it should be viewed from a humorous angle.
        I was being whimsical when I said “picked your topics”. You already know how I feel about your writing style, it is what makes your words so captivating and those who follow you so happy to do so. It is a pleasure to visit your blog – always! your friend, Penny

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      • I like what you said here, about the soul of the post being lost during reworks and edits. I agree. I have the same “heat of the moment” fury. Thanks for stating it that way!

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    • Ouch! Hi Patricia. Never mind. At least I can count my blessings….well at least two of them 😉
      Take care. Ralph x

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  15. Things have changed around here!

    Wow! What a story… And you really have guts to share this! I think I understand how that became a first step to divorce…

    I like your “self-distance” :).

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  16. Hilarious! Can’t wait to dig deeper in your stuff. I like your sense of humor.
    – Kharma

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    • Hello Kharma. I have just spent ten minutes thinking about how I am going to deal with you. I could say your digging deep would put a smile on my face OR you seem to be a “Woman with Shotgun” type of woman OR just, welcome help yourself. Take your pick 😉 Take care. Ralph x

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      • Haha! No no! No shotgun. I don’t even have a gun license to carry. Lol.
        I promise. I’m a well behaved classy specimen of the type of woman every man would want. Lol! Ok, maybe not. But I AM very cool, nonetheless.

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      • Duly noted Kharma 😉 I understand your coolness from your gravatar pic 😀

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  17. You gave me a sudden turn to religion! What a surprise! I lived a similar pattern – working in Saudi, and the pattern includes your ending, but not the one on the surgical table! Thank goodness she did not get that idea…very good read..even if it did make me freeze in shock!

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    • Hi Ye Pirate Gunn. Firstly I cannot have my visitors frozen in shock. So a tot of rum is for you. Now. I also cannot have my visitors going all religious on me, it might be catching. 😉 I hope you enjoyed it in Saudi. I did. Thanks for the comment and I will join you with a rum. Cheers. Ralph

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  18. Hi Ralph!

    You were right! I do feel a little better after reading your post, though I must say, I would have loved to be part of the conversation that had gone on behind the curtain! heh heh. 🙂

    xx,
    Rachel

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  19. Hey Rachel. I am really pleased that you made it over here and that you are feeling better after watching me suffer 😉 I WOULD have liked to have heard what the stewardesses were joking about. I can guess !! You are welcome back anytime. Don’t ever feel alone when you have bloggy friends. Okay!!
    Take care. Ralph x

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  20. Ralph great story teller you are…..
    Thanks also for “like” on my current post. Hope you are feeling better these days

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    • Hi Kellie. Thank you so much for your kind and generous comment *blushing* I do appreciate it. I liked your post so I pressed LIKE and I mean it ! I still feel a bit strange but your comment is making me feel much better now, Kellie. Take care. Ralph x

      Like

  21. Pingback: Lesson 16: Perspective « themicroread

  22. This is a funny story but also totally not. I thought the snip would have calmed things down but it sounds like it did the opposite in your case. Why couldn’t you have just liked condoms? They would have given you all round protection.

    Like

    • Hi Sandra 😀 Ha ! I did try condoms once many years ago and I would have had more sensation wearing a bicycle inner tube then 😉 So the best option for her was me to have the snip which was extremely unpleasant for weeks. I didn’t want it done. She was a nurse and conned me into having it done. I should have opted for the bicycle inner tube. lol. Ralph xox ❤

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      • She was a real nurse, not just dressing up as one! Lol! I guess things have progressed in the Condom department nowadays so that people can feel more.

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      • A real nurse I’m afraid Sandra. I would be happy with a dressing up one at the moment. lol.
        That’s nice to know that there is more feeling, and, if I ever, ever, ever find a woman to test what you say, I’ll report back 😉 ❤

        Like

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