Thirty odd years ago when I was thirty odd years old I was happily married with two young daughters. The money was rolling in as I was a contractor in Saudi Arabia. The contracts required me to go alone to the Middle East and my family lived happily in my house in England. Contracts usually entailed up to six months of work in Saudi Arabia and a month’s holiday. It was the day before I was due to fly back to Riyadh for another six months work. So my story begins.
Usually the day before flying back I take the family out for a meal and a treat, but this day my wife said that she had a treat for me. The children were left with a friend and my wife and I set off in the car for nearby Portsmouth, England. I had a smile on my face thinking all sorts of thoughts including erotic ones. She said that she had to stop at the hospital where she worked as a nurse to pick up something that she left there. I went in with her. Big mistake !!
We entered a room in the hospital with a couple of chairs and a couch. Then she dropped the bombshell. She quietly explained to me that she knew I would say no if she told me before. She had booked and paid for me to have a vasectomy as the birth control tablets made her ill and neither of us liked to use condoms. Panic!! My poor family jewels about to torn asunder! Suddenly the joke of the Arab whose sole vocation was to castrate camels with two bricks entered my head. Asked if it hurts the arab replied, “Only when my fingers get caught between the bricks!”
A glazed resignation hit me. I was in shock. Next thing I knew I was naked except for a blue gown WIDE OPEN at the back! A man came in with a trolley, pushed me onto the couch and proceeded to brush shaving cream around my treasured possessions. And THEN he started to sharpen a GIANT cut throat razor blade. Panic!. Like the Three Musketeers, in seconds he had finished, wiped clean and gone. I didn’t have time to do a head count when in a came a nurse with another trolley and in seconds had injected me with a local anaesthetic. Heck! Help! Horror! Ten minutes later I had to pee just as the nurse came in to say they were ready for me. I ran off down the corridor with my bare back open to the world. Main exit to the left, toilets to the right. Decision time! The nurse decided for me as she pushed me into the toilet. Within minutes I was in and out of the Star Trek operating theatre. With my poor little fellows wrapped in a muslin bag I was dressed and in the car heading home. I think this was the first day of the downward spiral towards divorce.
The next day I was on a Boeing 747 taking off for Riyadh. I was in a lot of pain jammed in aircraft seats designed for dwarves. Well, I am very tall! I couldn’t move. So I called the stewardess (another big mistake) and told her of my pain, what had happened and where it was. She dashed down the aisle giggling disappearing behind the kitchen curtains. Every few seconds a different stewardess’s head popped out behind the curtain giggled and disappeared back behind the curtain. A male steward came up to me and moved me to an entrance door seat. Bliss! I could stretch my legs out and move to comfortable positions. During the whole five hour flight a different stewardess would come up to me and with a teasing smile asked if there was anything she could do to make me more comfortable.
What a day NOT to join the mile high club !!
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