Lingo ogniL

It was an absolutely freezing cold evening when I landed on my head at my birth. It was so cold God went on vacation to the Bahamas. I was born without a blob of grey matter in my head. Instead God gave me a glorious mansion which He didn’t quite finish because He went on holiday. Oh dear !! From the Lodge house there is a long straight gravel avenue of oak trees, well tended lawns where graze herds of roe deer with a verdant view down to the lake and in the distance, on the far side of the lake, nestling in the forest, a white summer house.

I always arrive at my white mansion, at a trot, dressed in my finest purple and gold silks, sitting sedately in my golden coach driven by six white horses on which are seated riders also dressed in a purple and gold uniform. The coach stops at the columned grand entrance where the servants are lined up waiting to greet me. The footman opens the door and places the steps for me to climb down. The baggage which I had collected during the day is whisked away by my servants to the relevant rooms. There is a basement where bad thoughts that I do not wish to entertain are taken. They are placed in the furnace and the resulting smoke wisps out of the mansion chimneys into the blue sky as dreams of wonder.

I climb the steps and glide through the white columned porchway, in through the giant cedar doors and into the grand entrance hall. A butler takes my purple cloak, hat and cane from me. I am happy here gazing at the wide grand staircase where hang golden framed pictures of beauty. Everything I have seen, dreamed, touched, smelled and  thought are there in front of me. Chandeliers glow with happiness. Each room has the same beauty, carpets of wisdom, finest chairs of rest, Italian cabinets filled with silk wrapped ideas yet to be opened. Log fires of warmth and marble floors stretch to the stars.

The east wing of the fourth floor God did not finish. I walk down the Hall of Hope, where together, are the writing room with a stupidity annex. I turn the corner and where the language learning room should be is an empty shell. My language skills are zero. At boarding school my Latin master, Morris Fenn, hung my written answers to a mock GCE examination on the staffroom notice board. He marked me zero out of one hundred. Translating languages makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I have visited a couple of beautiful blogs, Italian and Romanian, written in their own languages and I have commented. The responses were incredible. Their English is better than mine !! And I’m English !!

So please, speak to me in English. I have a vacant room in my head for any other language…..and THAT includes American

43 Comments on “Lingo ogniL

    • I really am going to get ALL comments on this post in every language EXCEPT English. What have I let myself in for !! I’ll just have to go on vacation with God !
      Blurb blab blob Vibeke 🙂


      • Yupp, I think that`s what you have brought upon yourself now Ralph, good luck with that – or, have a great vacation… 🙂
        Best ;), Vibeke


    • I have just google translated your comment Vibeke. No. I won’t put you out at night or tickle your tummy. Take care. Ralph 🙂


  1. Note to self: Pick up mirror before going fishing for Bluefish.

    Ralph, you are amazing! I love what you do and the way you do it. Your writing always makes me read carefully for the nuances. I almost always find small things discreetly placed within to stimulate the mind and the funny bone.

    I am going to link to your blog from mine. Absolutely love it.


    • Firstly, Howard thank you for the link to NUTS. Nuts and Nuances sounds like a Lawyers’ office. And you will need a convex mirror to catch me !! Thanks for your comment Howard 🙂


    • Hi Patricia. May I ask you what you love. Howard calling me nuts, or Vibeke’s Norwegian or perhaps the post. I would go for Howard’s nuts 😉


      • Chandeliers glow with happiness. Each room has the same beauty, carpets of wisdom, finest chairs of rest, Italian cabinets filled with silk wrapped ideas yet to be opened. Log fires of warmth and marble floors stretch to the stars. And God didn’t finish the fourth floor.
        I am a retired designer for my husband who was a Gen. Contractor, and my job is to envision the project. Your description was so delightful, whimsical and descriptive… I look forward to more reading!


    • Thank you so much Patricia, for your very kind words. I expect God will employ you to finish off the fourth floor…..needs a lot of work !! 🙂


      • You surely did Patricia. But a woman with your class, design skills, maturity, contacts and laughter NEVER retires. I bet you $10 you have redesigned your chicken coop many times 😉


  2. Pero sonrisa feo taco. Adorado digo abuelo. Hablamos encantado dejar. Estacion solamente meses ensena muchisimo. Que tenga buen dia. (This, my friend, will not make sense no matter how you try to translate it.)


    • God has fixed my room and it’s now full of…………..Google Translate.
      Yes Teresa it’s nonsense 🙂


  3. I KNEW IT !!! It makes a lot of sense to me Teresa. No. I will not comment again about your green eyes. No. I will not run for the President of USA. And geese love treacle. There !! my best Spanish exposed to the world.
    Take care 🙂


    • It’s basically a list of all of the Spanish words I know that came to my mind in random order.
      Teresa, la mujer con ojos verdes (the woman with green eyes)


    • Teresa ! Teresa ! Teresa ! Woman with green eyes it’s payback time. KaaaaaaBaaaaam !!! 😉


    • Hi Katie. NOT AGAIN !!!
      I never press anything and eventually someone gets fed up and picks up the phone, replies in Spanish. I say “Ingles, por favor” and they slam the phone down. Works every time 🙂 I just love Andalucia !!


  4. You are AMAZING!
    Uzivam u tvom humoru i nacinu pisanja. Svaka cast!


    • BLOOMING HECK !!! Daniela. Ah, I know Croatian very well. Let’s see. Yes, I am funny thank you AND you are sending over men in white coats for me. 🙂


      • I am laughing so MUCH that tears are actually in my eyes! I do not remember laughing like that for a long time!


      • Right now we are visiting my husband’s parents in Ohio. Thankfully the weather has cooled down some from the sweltering heat they had been experiencing.


      • Whew. You really do move around. Hope you have a great time in Ohio. Take care. Ralph


  5. Hables espanol? I can only speak the English, although I’ve tried to learn others. You are in luck with me. Nice descriptions. Your mansion sounds like a splendid place.


  6. Ralph, my hat off to you! You are a master with words, I thought I was pretty good but you are Great. That’s all just wanted to let you know that! 🙂


  7. This is briliant, you so good with the English Language…..I wonder why ? I got space in my head too for a lot of other things…..any suggestions?
    Your post ist wunderbar!


    • ウテこんにちは。私はあなたがあなたの生活の中で人間のためのスペースを持っているかもしれないと思う。男に自分を接続すると、本当にあなたの頭を埋めます。愛と抱擁。ラルフX

      Translated from Japanese: Hello Ute. I think that you may have space for a man in your life. Tying yourself to a man will really fill your head. Hugs. Ralph x


      • Thanks for the advice, will have fun to try that…..your Japanese is perfect.Wow 🙂


      • I know. I am amazing. I understand every language (on Google Translate) 😉 x


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