Exploding Children

my cuckoo clockI am now 65, an official old age pensioner. I am now allowed to say anything I like without being PC any more. I can be looked at by others as being an old fool, grumpy old fool or “his mind is going”. Fantastic! My body may be at the junkyard door but my mind is as active and alert as a 21 year old. As the saying goes; you’re as young as the woman you feel. As I am talking about being young I have a few ideas about children and as I’m an “old fool” I am going to say what I want. Brilliant! I’m enjoying this.

All children from birth to 21 years old are little people, right? No, wrong!! They are metamorphic alien species. Babies have two heads and one is invisible to the viewer. The first head is the smiley, googley, bubble bubble, smelly nice head which suddenly turns into the screaming, manipulative, sickly, smelly one. The baby then changes into an exploding, leaking child.

You have a nice tidy room with a child in the centre. Leave the room and return a few minutes later and it’s like a bomb has gone off. Well, I’ll tell you now that that child IS a walking hand grenade. Toys are everywhere. These toys are in pieces, a plastic wheel on the sofa, a half chewed lego block on the TV, a Jack and Jill book pushed into the DVD player. The whole room is someone else’s, a total shambles. Beneath the wreckage are the fingerprints of chocolate mixed with paint on the walls, chairs, cat and dog. Then they change again into the most horrendous alien specie: The Teenager.

This specie only speaks a few phrases; “Why me?”, “What for?”, “I’m bored!”,”I hate you!””I’m broke”, “I want a Xboxipadlaptop,all my friends have one”. There are a few more but as a pensioner I get bored easily. A teenager alien hates and loves the same person, wants it’s friend’s boy/girl friend and sleeps till noon. Only works if threatened with grounding. And threatens to die if it has to wear THAT!

So that’s my thoughts on children. Now where is my grumpy head ?

20 Comments on “Exploding Children

  1. Wow!! Nice one!
    I totally agree with everything you mentioned above!!
    I wish if you could have also written about people in early twenties! 😉
    Still, I loved it!

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  2. Why thank you Diana. I am sorry I cannot write about people in their early twenties because I have a mind of a twenty one year old and I haven’t lived it yet 😉
    (aside: she’ll believe anything 🙂 )

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  3. Love it! Especially ‘you are as young as the woman you feel’! I guess I am not PC either … too old to care really. So called ‘old’ age is amazing … for instance you can never be a ‘fallen woman’ after 45! As for children … either it has been long since you had them around you or you did not. Either way I like your post even though I love kids!

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  4. A friend of mine says he loves kids slightly grilled on toast, and another says the best age to speak to kids is when they reach 60 when they have stopped making a mess and just before they start making a mess again 😉
    Mind the step, Daniela, we can’t have you being a “fallen woman” now can we ?
    Yeah it’s fun being 65.

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  5. It is so true Ralph. The older I get the more I get away with. It would seem that the younger you are the more allowance you give to those older…. and probably for the reason you state; we are seen as a bit doddering and mindless…
    Haha… don’t mind that perception at all; after all, it’s good to ‘get away’ with being so open and frank… Don’t tell Frank I said that…!

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  6. Hi again Carolyn. Yes it’s fun being old. I promise not to tell Frank (shush!! or your husband about Frank) 😉

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  7. Bumble here. Hi Ralph. Well, I’m in the toy stage and you SO got it right. Yes, the room explodes with pieces of toys everywhere, and somehow, somewhere, there’s always chocolate. I await with trepidation for the teenage years 🙂

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  8. Funny! I love it that when we’re 65 we can say anything we want and people won’t raise their eyebrows and look at us funny. Thanks for the inspiration! (I’m 55, but heading your way…)

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  9. I’m impressed, 65 and making accurate references to technology! My Mom still wont let me touch her tv remote in case i change the settings and she is unable to turn her tv on/off after I depart from visiting with her!! She wants to know if she buys an iPad, if it will hook up to her internet ….and she hid her dvd player in case my kids use it and make it stop working. Sigh. But i will stop, this is your blog, not mine.

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    • Hello again Tina. No carry on. Let your fingers do the talking. 🙂

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  10. I am obviously not PC and I have kids. In fact, I’m not even PC around my kids. I do not know what that makes me, however, I enjoyed this post because it’s so damn TRUE! Your curmudgeonly ways are spot on. By the way, thanks for commenting on my daughter’s post on our blog. She has been on cloud nine all day with the support and sweet comments.

    Emily

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    • Thank you so much non-PC Emily for your welcome comment. And I’m thrilled about Maddie’s reaction………….NOT !! She won’t give me a sweetart 😉

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  11. I will say that I enjoy my children more the older they get. Don’t miss the ‘baby’ stage (or toddler or pre-k stages) at all, although I am enjoying their advancing children-hood 🙂 I will also say that I do not enjoy the household chaos caused by ‘youngsters’ and I most especially do not enjoy the noise level…if God forgot one thing, it was to put a volume control on children.

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    • Hi Lyann. Thanks for stopping by. With GM engineering running riot maybe a volume control and mute button will be next on their list…..god forbid…..good idea though 😉

      Like

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