Cooking for the single man

Cooking for the single man the Bluefish way. Goverment health warning: ladies, if you p** your pants with laughter, please leave this post now, or read it with your eyes closed. The following scenario could be in a house near you. You have been warned !!

“Hi Jack. Your door was open so I thought I come round to see if you are okay. I just saw your wife running down your front yard, screaming, and I saw her grab the first man who could walk and went off with him. Got married a week ago! didn’t go too well then.  Oh, you’re hungry. Can’t cook ?? No need to turn the football off. Wow, you watched 4 games today already. Yes please, put the Playboy down and do up your trousers.

Now, where’s your kitchen? Don’t know?? It looks like the bathroom but has loads of cupboards. Come on, Jack, up you get. Yes, you can bring your beer. Now, let’s have a look in your fridge. Um !! Got a lot of beer cans in here, in fact there is no room for anything else.  Ah! an egg! Now, where’s the frying pan as I think I will show you how to fry an egg, on toast perhaps? No, we don’t need that saucepan Jack. The favourite one that you boil your dirty motorcycle chain in ! No, we don’t need……a here it is. The frying pan’s main purpose, Jack, IS for cooking! I understand that your wife hit you over the head with it, but it is for cooking. Ah, good there’s a spatula in this drawer. What ! It’s the replacement your wife bought as you used the original to pick up your dog’s pooh in the backyard ! Jack, how could you !!

We need some oil, Jack. Have a look through the cupboards and see if there is any sunflower oil. Olive oil? Butter? No? Where ARE you going? Okay, for demonstration purposes I suppose this will have to do. You kept this can of engine oil in a safe place, in your wife’s knickers drawer??

No toast then. You put a tube of glue in the toaster to soften it. It caught fire. You threw it out of the window where it hit the dog, which you have not seen since. Yes, it must be pretty lonely with no wife and no dog.

Right !! That’s the frying pan hot enough. Bang the egg on the side of the pan. That’s it, it’s cracked. Put your fingers in the crack and split the egg open and pour it into the pan. Easy. No, don’t worry about the yellow part smoking on the hob, or the shell in the pan. No, don’t eat…….I’ve got to go now Jack. Bye”

I could have run down the front yard, screaming, and gone off with the first woman I met, but I have to go round and see John who is sewing a button on his shirt with a staple gun.

11 Comments on “Cooking for the single man

  1. Life never was easy I guess, but being able to write with a good dash of irony and sarcasm sure helps :). Love your blog, thank you for stopping by mine 🙂


  2. Thank you so much Vibeke 🙂 Up to this post I thought I was developing a fluency and style. Then this post came from nowhere. Hit me for six. I was in shock realising that I posted it. I hated it. Your comment has improved my reaction to the post. It may take me a while to even read it again. Thank you so much. I did enjoy your site and will return again soon, a happier bunny. 🙂


  3. I know. Some of us are that dumb.

    But decades ago, I had sole custody of my kids whilst my ex-wife underwent several cancer treatments and I learned something about cooking.

    Now living by myself for 12 years, I have fallen in love with cooking.

    It took me four years on my own however to get past 30 different recipes for chili. hahaahah

    But with the Food Channel (or whatever they call it now) and the magic web, I am having the most fun cooking for myself.

    As a selfish enterprise there are so many facets to preparation; if I am hungry I have little access to fast foods or those damnable frozen TV dinners. I have learned to wait until I was hungry and begin protocols that take between an hour and two hours to properly prepare a meal.

    Which means I am never as hungry when I begin a proper meal as I am when the meal is ready.

    I have also learned that vegetables and fruits keep my inflammatory problems in check (like gout) and I have learned to pace myself. I never eat the entire meal at a sitting, I will eat, take a nap, and think about things and four hours later eat whatever is left over.

    I have learned that comfort foods like chicken ala king or turkey ala king can be prepared with little fat.

    I have learned that a hamburger can be enhanced with a little time in a Glad Bag and some seasonings and sauces.

    I have learned that the local butcher (at the grocers) has ‘specials’ during the week at certain times.

    I have learned that 69c spinach can work wonders as well as fresh dollar carrot packages.

    I have learned that a combination of carrots and broccoli with a ‘touch’ of real cheese is really pretty good. Not pretend good. Really good.

    I have learned that with the correct coating of spices and herbs, chicken can be baked without any frying and taste just delicious.

    I have learned that I can reproduce a better meal than any fast food or mediocre restaurant food can be duplicated with a little knowledge and a little hands-on preparation.

    1/2 of a 50c can of mushrooms can improve a gravy with some spice and herbs.


    Men are stupid with regard to cleaning and bedding and laundry and FOOD.

    But we can learn.

    Funny post!


    • Wow, Dikkday, almost a post 😉 Thank you for your visit and a long and interesting comment. Maybe I’ll have to write an item on men as house husbands sometime. OMG!!


  4. Love this, really funny….ha ha I can’t cook, ask my children I usually burn things….I am good at that! 🙂


  5. Hi Ute. No!! A cook that burns the dinner calls herself a Carbon Technologist who specialises in the science of detoxification of the human body. Well that’s my excuse 😉 Hugs. Ralph x


  6. I had to read this post since you said it was so horrible. You must have just gotten hold of a sour blogger in your “Give me a rough time,” box. He must have taken you seriously – now that’s a switch! Just don’t cook with him, and it’s all good! Marsha 🙂


    • No. It was me alone. I have never read it again and never will. It’s all good Marsha. I am happy with my decision on this post. Hugs Ralph x


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