Cooking for the single man

Cooking for the single man the Bluefish way. Goverment health warning: ladies, if you p** your pants with laughter, please leave this post now, or read it with your eyes closed. The following scenario could be in a house near you. You have been warned !!

“Hi Jack. Your door was open so I thought I come round to see if you are okay. I just saw your wife running down your front yard, screaming, and I saw her grab the first man who could walk and went off with him. Got married a week ago! didn’t go too well then.  Oh, you’re hungry. Can’t cook ?? No need to turn the football off. Wow, you watched 4 games today already. Yes please, put the Playboy down and do up your trousers.

Now, where’s your kitchen? Don’t know?? It looks like the bathroom but has loads of cupboards. Come on, Jack, up you get. Yes, you can bring your beer. Now, let’s have a look in your fridge. Um !! Got a lot of beer cans in here, in fact there is no room for anything else.  Ah! an egg! Now, where’s the frying pan as I think I will show you how to fry an egg, on toast perhaps? No, we don’t need that saucepan Jack. The favourite one that you boil your dirty motorcycle chain in ! No, we don’t need……a here it is. The frying pan’s main purpose, Jack, IS for cooking! I understand that your wife hit you over the head with it, but it is for cooking. Ah, good there’s a spatula in this drawer. What ! It’s the replacement your wife bought as you used the original to pick up your dog’s pooh in the backyard ! Jack, how could you !!

We need some oil, Jack. Have a look through the cupboards and see if there is any sunflower oil. Olive oil? Butter? No? Where ARE you going? Okay, for demonstration purposes I suppose this will have to do. You kept this can of engine oil in a safe place, in your wife’s knickers drawer??

No toast then. You put a tube of glue in the toaster to soften it. It caught fire. You threw it out of the window where it hit the dog, which you have not seen since. Yes, it must be pretty lonely with no wife and no dog.

Right !! That’s the frying pan hot enough. Bang the egg on the side of the pan. That’s it, it’s cracked. Put your fingers in the crack and split the egg open and pour it into the pan. Easy. No, don’t worry about the yellow part smoking on the hob, or the shell in the pan. No, don’t eat…….I’ve got to go now Jack. Bye”

I could have run down the front yard, screaming, and gone off with the first woman I met, but I have to go round and see John who is sewing a button on his shirt with a staple gun.

11 Comments on “Cooking for the single man

  1. Life never was easy I guess, but being able to write with a good dash of irony and sarcasm sure helps :). Love your blog, thank you for stopping by mine 🙂

    Like

  2. Thank you so much Vibeke 🙂 Up to this post I thought I was developing a fluency and style. Then this post came from nowhere. Hit me for six. I was in shock realising that I posted it. I hated it. Your comment has improved my reaction to the post. It may take me a while to even read it again. Thank you so much. I did enjoy your site and will return again soon, a happier bunny. 🙂

    Like

  3. I know. Some of us are that dumb.

    But decades ago, I had sole custody of my kids whilst my ex-wife underwent several cancer treatments and I learned something about cooking.

    Now living by myself for 12 years, I have fallen in love with cooking.

    It took me four years on my own however to get past 30 different recipes for chili. hahaahah

    But with the Food Channel (or whatever they call it now) and the magic web, I am having the most fun cooking for myself.

    As a selfish enterprise there are so many facets to preparation; if I am hungry I have little access to fast foods or those damnable frozen TV dinners. I have learned to wait until I was hungry and begin protocols that take between an hour and two hours to properly prepare a meal.

    Which means I am never as hungry when I begin a proper meal as I am when the meal is ready.

    I have also learned that vegetables and fruits keep my inflammatory problems in check (like gout) and I have learned to pace myself. I never eat the entire meal at a sitting, I will eat, take a nap, and think about things and four hours later eat whatever is left over.

    I have learned that comfort foods like chicken ala king or turkey ala king can be prepared with little fat.

    I have learned that a hamburger can be enhanced with a little time in a Glad Bag and some seasonings and sauces.

    I have learned that the local butcher (at the grocers) has ‘specials’ during the week at certain times.

    I have learned that 69c spinach can work wonders as well as fresh dollar carrot packages.

    I have learned that a combination of carrots and broccoli with a ‘touch’ of real cheese is really pretty good. Not pretend good. Really good.

    I have learned that with the correct coating of spices and herbs, chicken can be baked without any frying and taste just delicious.

    I have learned that I can reproduce a better meal than any fast food or mediocre restaurant food can be duplicated with a little knowledge and a little hands-on preparation.

    1/2 of a 50c can of mushrooms can improve a gravy with some spice and herbs.

    Yes.

    Men are stupid with regard to cleaning and bedding and laundry and FOOD.

    But we can learn.

    Funny post!

    Like

    • Wow, Dikkday, almost a post 😉 Thank you for your visit and a long and interesting comment. Maybe I’ll have to write an item on men as house husbands sometime. OMG!!

      Like

  4. Love this, really funny….ha ha I can’t cook, ask my children I usually burn things….I am good at that! 🙂

    Like

  5. Hi Ute. No!! A cook that burns the dinner calls herself a Carbon Technologist who specialises in the science of detoxification of the human body. Well that’s my excuse 😉 Hugs. Ralph x

    Like

  6. I had to read this post since you said it was so horrible. You must have just gotten hold of a sour blogger in your “Give me a rough time,” box. He must have taken you seriously – now that’s a switch! Just don’t cook with him, and it’s all good! Marsha 🙂

    Like

    • No. It was me alone. I have never read it again and never will. It’s all good Marsha. I am happy with my decision on this post. Hugs Ralph x

      Like

This is the best bit. Your comments !!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Yeah, I am not sure either

The secret life (naaat) of a 21 year old

Walking With Scars

My daily dance through a creative life as a female artist and photographer with lifelong depression.

An Evil Nymph's Blog

I Think WAY Too Much!

The Jiggly Bits

...because life is funny.

the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them is my only option

My Hearing Loss Story

This is my story about my experience of sudden sensorineural hearing loss and how it affects my life.

Blog Woman!!! - Life Uncategorized

Mother, Nehiyaw, Metis, & career communicator. This is my collection of opinions, stories, and the occasional rise to, or fall from, challenge. In other words, it's my party, I can fun if I want to. .................................................................. Artwork by aaronpaquette.net

The Crazy Bag Lady @BulanLifestyle.com

Welcome to my Art Blog and follow my adventure. Bohemian artist who loves to travel and draw.

comeagainblog

The life of a waitress…in all its glory.

Surprising Lives

Discover Life, Incredible People, Places and Our World!

Out an' About

Loving Life On and Off the Tracks

MagickMermaid

Day-Dreamer, Moon-Gazer, Confirmed Contrarian, Traveler, Artist, Frustrated Cartoonist, Perennial Fish Out of Water

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

Cruise Stories

cruise ship adventures

In the Net! - Stories of Life and Narcissistic Survival

This is my story and I'm sticking to it!

Musings of PuppyDoc

Poetry & Medicine

brushes and papers

my learning journey

Marsha Ingrao

Traveling & Blogging Near and Far

BRILLIANCE WITHIN

Inspiring the WOW factor in life and business

Arcilla y fuego

Una visión sobre el complejo y apasionante mundo de la cerámica

Manny's Blog

a blog for kids and kids at heart

witlessdatingafterfifty

Relationships reveal our hearts.

Queen's end

The Fifth Corner of Life

Twisted Gypsy

Photography, travel,art,craft,writing and all things creative...

fashion with compassion

fashionable over 50

MaryRowen.com

Books, musings, news...

My Favourite Pastime

Food, Travel and Eating Out

An Unexpected Life Chosen

A freelance writer, clairvoyant medium, credit manager, chakra meditation teacher, traveller, animal lover, past-life healer, and a change advocate.........having walked many paths, I ask; did I really sign up for this?

Graffiti Lux and Murals

Luxuriating in Ephemeral Art

Quirky Books

Read the difference

Englishman in Italy

An Englishman, his Sicilian wife and an Italian / English Dictionary

Once Upon Your Prime

Where You Live Happily Ever Laughter!

shehanne moore

Smexy Historical Romance

BroadBlogs

A broad blogs broadly on women’s & men's psychology: sex, relationships, equality

Art Gowns

The Art of Glamorous Fantasy

Lottie Nevin - The Rioja Diaries

Uncorked tales from Andalucia.

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

Hello World

Walk along with me

Elizabeth Melton Parsons

Writing~Art~Life

DEAR HUMAN

These letters are written to remind you just how much you matter, just how important you are, and just how beautiful the gift of life as a human is.

pelly * made

subjective worldview

The Bumble Files

The truth is in here

Ute smile

Ute's Happy World

%d bloggers like this: