Yes, I had a dream and I am not Martin Luther King !
Join me in the dream, boys and girls ? Puff up your pillow ? Comfy ? Well, here goes !
I live in an old people’s home. A lovely place with futuristic, almost prophetic, murals on the wall.
My apartment is number 39, level 3. I never get any visitors. I wonder why ?
I am really assured that we are securely protected from any bad person who may want to enter the home.
The staff wear functional work clothes …….
…… and with just a press of the MISTRESS* OF LAYABOUTS ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPIST button they come running …….
…… usually to help me recharge. At my age, I need it !
We are instructed to check through the peep hole in the front door for no bad people before leaving the home.
I jump in my vehicle. For some reason it always needs a bump start.
As usual, the traffic was a bit confused going into town.
I popped into the Starbucks drive through and gulped down a welcome cup of coffee. It was garbage really.
Feeling better, I drove into the supermarket car park. Couldn’t buy a parking ticket from the new solar powered machine. It didn’t work ! Every day I get fined for having no ticket ! No idea why.
In the store I bought a lovely, useful, Snowflake Waffle maker. I have heard that Snowflakes waffle all the time. Should come in handy !
At my age, I need to go to the toilet …. A LOT ! It was quite a relief to pee with 500 other me’s. That’s a lot of pee !
I made sure that I was presentable on the leaving the rest room. The new fangled mirror refuses to show my back.
The handy garbage bin next to the mirror was just right for the glass waste and paper packaging I always carry with me in case I find such a bin. Lucky me to find one !
On leaving the store, the friendly store keeper threw a pineapple at me. What a kind person to pelt me with such a gift !
On returning to the home I found myself recharged and could stand much better.
No need to press the button today !
I wonder what our cats are up to ? They are very quiet.
I HEARD THAT !!!
Ralph xox ❤
The photographs of the cats were taken by Natascha
* Apologies to my Gender Confused readers. Please delete “MISTRESS” and insert “MISGUIDEDNESS”. For your information, there are only TWO sexes … “MALE” and “THE BOSS”. 🙄
Whole Earth’s new product ‘3 Nut Butter’ contains walnuts, pecans and peanuts
But thousands of the £2.50 jars are being recalled from supermarkets like Tesco
Jars breach rules which state that there has to be a nut allergy warning in English
Withdrawal by Kent County Council prompted disbelief from social media users
1982 ! Missiles flying ! Men scared, exhilarated, dying, wounded !
1978 ! Missiles building ! Men fed up, exhausted, frustrated !
That year, life for me went topsy-turvey. On leaving the British Army, I found myself being resettled in a factory tuning a block of metal used in a missile. Initially I drove to work. Traffic jam every day and I never seemed to arrive on time. So I bought a Puke. No licence required, just a helmet and warm clothing. Yes, I arrived at the factory on time. Zippy !
Clocking on at 8am. Entered the workshop. “Morning !”. The Fitters, Engineers, grunted back. Another groundhog day began. The block of metal was state of the art for 40 years ago. It had wires, tubes, screws to turn, surrounded by test equipment, oven and refrigeration, and was a pain in the neck to work perfectly. It would work at room temperature, then threw a wobbly at minus 20°C. Get that right and it would refuse to play ball at +60°C. Eventually, after many hours, it worked, got fitted into the missile and off it went for the Navy to play with. For me, another block of metal, then another, then another, day after day.
Zipping home to my first wife and two girls on my Puke gave me a such a sense of freedom and the fresh air was lovely. I found myself at home, volunteered to working on the house and ironing clothes. She wanted bras and underwear ironed. Not Monday to Sunday panties, no ! ….
….. to me, it was the 1st of January to the 31st of December panties, EVERY WEEK !
Oh, I painted doors as well !
This gif shows perfectly what working in the factory is like. At the end of the month your salary goes into the Bank. Whatever you do with it, it never seems to be enough. It is thrown away on bills, whatever is urgently needed for and Oreos. Whatever you do with it, it always comes back and hits you squarely in the face by you having to go back to the factory every groundhog day morning and start all over again.
Cats ! Who’d have them !
Ralph xox ❤
Photographs of Sonic taken by Natascha.
Over the years I have had my ups and downs with many women. Not understanding one iota of how they function. This video explains it all.
Your turn. Where on the crazy/hot chart below do you or your partner hang out ?
Or, if you wish, you can vote as many times as you like in this poll.
There I was, minding my own business, setting up the photographs for this post, when up popped a new post from Pamela’s blog in my Inbox.
QED ! She must be psychic !
My first few years of life were okay … exploring on my own. England’s green and pleasant land was my playground. No other kids in the valley except my sister.
She had two hobbies, horses and getting me into trouble. Later on in her life she admitted to our parents that she used to egg me on to do something naughty, she would tell our mother and when Dad got home from work he’d beat the crap out of me and send me up to the attic where I stayed all night with nothing to eat or do. I spent many hours sitting on the window ledge staring along the valley. So, to me, girls were to be avoided as much as possible and the English countryside was my haven.
Junior school had girls, boys and myself, all from far away villages. There was a no talking policy in school and my knuckles were rapped with a ruler many times for breaking that rule. For hours on end we were taught to chant the Times Table in unison …… seven times one is seven … seven times two is fourteen … seven times three is … Don’t know ? Google it ! (no Google in those days). Playtime was 15 minutes of mayhem. No time for girls.
So girls were off my radar.
And then …. wham ! …. at the age of 12, my parents buggered off to West Africa. I was assessed to be intelligent enough to be sent to a boys only boarding school for 5 years.
To me, the school was a cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare. Girls ? Nope !
One subject I didn’t understand was Latin. It was all Latin to me !
Yes, he did look like him ! I became adept at evading incoming blackboard rubbers that he threw at me. There were a multitude of chalk marks on the wall behind where I sat.
I also enjoyed being removed from the Latin lesson and made to wait in the corridor outside, which was okay as it was the school museum with things in glass cases and had an area I found for a no-no cigarette. Daydreaming of doing sports or roaming the countryside during utterly boring History lessons was also a no-no …..
…… resulting in my visiting the headmaster. A cordial affair, but a bit one sided.
“Ralph … tut-tut, tut-tut-tut, tut … Here again ? I might as well move your desk in here. Bend over ! As a non-violent man, this is going to hurt me more than you.”
Idiot !
WHACK ! x6 ( I was good at Maths !)
Now look at the school. Girls everywhere !
It’s dripping in girls (probably with their noses in Facebook drooling over horse selfies). Neigh !
Eventually I finished school with certificates (not Latin or History) at the ripe old age of 17. As I was an expert at surviving a cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare, I signed on to another cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare …. The British Army !
I hadn’t a clue, no understanding at all of what my fellow newbee soldiers were bragging about, mainly women, parts of women and what they did with those parts (no Google in those days) .. until …
…. I got posted to Cyprus, working 24 hours then 3 days off, based a stone’s throw from a young soldier’s heaven. Famagusta ! A place where hot, sometimes crazy women fused into …. well, that’s another story !
After those 3 years of heaven, followed decades of ups and downs with women smoothing out to nothing …. until I met Natascha.
That says it all ! She IS a keeper !
There is an update concerning Murli’s toothy-pegs here
Ralph xox ❤
Over time, all three of our cats were showing signs which required visits to the vet. Natascha will explain all in this post in her blog.
A couple of weeks ago we decided that the tiny “GoPro Hero 7 White” camera would be a great present for Natascha’s birthday. Perfect for her daily bike rides to the pharmacy. The results are so stable, no shaking at all !
Natascha carried Murli to the vet by taxi and tram, Sonic both ways by taxi. Both cats were as quiet as mice. Samantha was a different kettle of fish, noisy, and as the day was lovely for February, Natascha decided a bike ride was the way to go.
You are welcome to ride along with Natascha and Samantha through Graz in Austria. (The GoPro is clamped on the handlebar and, sorry, the bike brake cable is in the foreground of this video.)
How many meows in the video ? No prize, but heck, you must be really bored at work to count them !
What do you think Samantha is saying. Have a go at the Poll.
Ralph xox ❤
All credit must go to Natascha, not only for the photographs and GoPro videos, but her unwavering love, care and attention towards all pussycats.
Hello my darling wife Natascha,
Happy Valentine’s Day !
No one reads my posts (they either Like on Reader, or scroll down so fast that their devices smoke). So this message is just between the two of us …… Nooo ! Don’t scroll down so fast that your laptop smokes. It’s smokin’ ! Oh well, just me talkng to myself then ! I was going to say ….
“I am still amazed on how we hit it off a couple of years ago, got together and became an item. Yes, it is almost 10 months since we went through all those upsets and then the joy of getting married. Natascha, you are awesome ! A real pussycat mummy and also a mummy to the wild birds in the garden. Perhaps most of all is the way you care for me. My hands make me pretty useless in doing most things and you are always there for me when I need help. You never complain, just get on with doing almost everything even when you are not feeling well or suffering with a migraine. You are awesome ! Murli, Sonic, Samantha and myself love you to bits, lots and lots and lots. Happy Valentine’s Day sweetheart ❤ “
There’s this woman who married a ghost pirate. She is now divorcing him. Who did she call ? Ghostbusters ?
And this woman is planning to marry her duvet. LADY ! Don’t we all !
Then there is this woman who is engaged to a chandelier. I think that she loves Bud Light too much !
Finally, a woman has a boyfriend called Schatz. He’s a Boeing 737-800 ! She loves his thrusters. Don’t upset him Lady, because he may dump you ….. from 30,000 feet !
As it is Valentine’s Day, it’s time I gave Samantha a big hug
I know that most of you are married to your coffee pot 😉
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone !
Ralph xox ❤
Ralph and Samantha photographs taken by Natascha
Yippee !!
On the arrival in our new Austrian apartment, the electricity provider estimated a fixed monthly payment for us. At the end of the year we were notified that we had paid too much, therefore we can have free electricity for the first 6 MONTHS of this year. Yippee !! So, we are thinking of lighting up the World ! 🙂
Ooops !
Perhaps not !
QUIETEN DOWN CLASS !! Welcome to this, my Biology Lecture at Snowflake University. I am Professor Ralph ……. Resa, stop photographing the SKOOL SUCKS grafitti on the wall and Natascha, please put those 15 cats back in your bag.
Right ! Biology ! New research, straight out of our Snowflake Labs. A white woman believes she is now a black woman after skin colouring injections turned her white skin to black. Because she looks black she is adamant that she is going to have, not white, but black babies. Snowflake science in action !
Homework tonight ! Dye your hair pink and you will morph into a My Little Pony, then stand under a rainbow where you will become gay. Class dismissed !
Yep, I need a haircut !
Perhaps not !
Rats ! It’s winter in Austria. Got to keep my neck warm. Maybe I’ll get it cut in the summer.
I was given a clothing store gift voucher for Christmas. What will I get ? Something to show that I am not Gender Neutral ? …….
…… or, something for the summer ?
Aaah ! Perfect ! Something nice and warm for these cold Austrian winters.
What do you think ? Or should I get a little something for Natascha instead ? 😉
Ralph xox ❤
Photographs of Samantha and myself taken by Natascha
Twitter is becoming the education centre of the “great unwashed”. Maybe I need to open a Twitter account, get educated and be really happy.
And I thought it was all about the New Year. Live and learn !
Taking the mickey out of your mates is part and parcel of being a soldier. You know, you drop your bayonet and stab yourself in your foot on parade, you will never live it down. Simple fun. You give it out and you take it as it comes. Not for this Scots Guardsman.
The British government paid out £1.5 million to some dopey advertising agency to increase recruitment for the British Army and they used this serving soldier’s face on this snowflake poster. A soldier’s career of guarding the Queen and fighting in Afghanistan has been torn to shreds. I think that I would resign as well.
Give me £1.5 million British government for your recruitment campaign ! Done ! Pay up !
I have every right to stand up for this soldier as I served 15 years in the British Army. It was a time when men were men and women were women. Simple ! A time when queers, paedophiles, transvestites etc. were not even talked about, mainly because we didn’t know, as big corporations such as the BBC, churches, law, politicians etc. kept these things under wraps. It was a time when I would lay down my life for my mates ……… and any young lady who was willing to take my virginity 🙂
Thank you Aer Lingus for supplying a layover stewardess for me. I didn’t need to die anymore ! 🙂
This Army photograph was used in my local UK County newspaper at the time. I wonder what could have been said with it and what would be written nowadays.
Oh boy ! Shoot me someone !
Many, many years later I am happily married. Still got things to do in the apartment such as putting up pictures and lights. We have been in this apartment for 15 months and as a Christmas present we decided to unbox the big 49″ TV I brought from Spain. Neither of us are interested in getting Austrian TV programs, but both of us enjoy movies, so it was a no-brainer to sign up for Netflix TV shows and movies.
I’ll tell you what, the Internet is a heck of a lot cheaper here in Austria compared to Spain. I was paying €45pm for unlimited Internet (10Mbs) and €45pm for IPTV movies in Spain, whereas here in Austria we are paying €25pm for unlimited Internet (30Mbs) and €13pm (first month free on the Internet) for HD Netflix movies. How does your pricing compare ?
Knowing my readers, probably in the Most Wanted column 😉
Ralph xox ❤
Photographs of the cats taken by Natascha.
Christmas ! Late afternoon, hot toddy in hand, feet up, stomach full, dozing by the fire, cuddling a pet or loved one. All is well in the world !
Instrumental credit here
COME ON ! SING-A-LONG WITH ME !
On the first day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
An excessively large gas bill!
On the second day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the third day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the fourth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the fifth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the sixth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the seventh day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the eighth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Eight days to pay up
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the ninth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Nine lawyers robbing
Eight days to pay up
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the tenth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Ten dollars a month
Nine lawyers robbing
Eight days to pay up
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the eleventh day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Eleven words of warning
Ten dollars a month
Nine lawyers robbing
Eight days to pay up
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
On the twelfth day of Christmas
Officials gave to me
Twelve headaches drumming
Eleven words of warning
Ten dollars a month
Nine lawyers robbing
Eight days to pay up
Seven bins abrimming
Six politicians lying
Five cold call rings !
Four calling scammers
Three French fries
Two well torn gloves
And an excessively large gas bill !
MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL !
It’s Christmas ! Not a time of Season or Holiday. It’s Christmas ! A time when Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. So what’s with all this Seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays tripe ? PC dictates that we must not upset the Muslims by openly saying Merry Christmas. Schools in Europe are banning Nativity plays … mustn’t upset the Muslims ! Well, if the Muslims are upset, then they should bugger off back to their own countries and carry on celebrating their own traditions of whining and beating the crap out of each other over there, not here in Europe. I am also totally against those idiotic control freak lawmakers as I am not going to be told by some drunk unelected politician or snowflake that I cannot celebrate Christmas, talk about it, enjoy it and keep our traditions. Merry Christmas everyone, inc. Muslims, drunk unelected politicians and snowflakes !
And yet again, Merry Christmas dear ones !
If so, or if you know someone in this situation, reach out to them as I am doing to you. All I can offer you is love and hugs from Natascha, myself, Murli, Samantha and Sonic. Take care my friend.
Ralph xox ❤
The original song lyrics were slightly altered by Ralph. The Christmas card was created by Natascha.
A few weeks ago Natascha and I visited the local Austrian Notary to obtain a piece of paper certifying that I was alive and that I am who I am for one of my pension providers. While there, I wanted him to draw up a simple Will for both myself and Natascha. As my hands are completely unable to write, I also asked him to draw up papers to allow Natascha to sign for me on any document. He said that it would take a while. Being a local, Natascha was simple, but being British, I was more complicated due to Brexit.
Brexit ! Basically, the British people voted to leave the European Union. No more European dictatorship and ties. Simple ! For the last two years the politicians on both sides whined and wined, changing their minds every five minutes while collecting huge salaries. With three months to go before the UK leaves the European Union, nobody knows what the heck is going on, except that the UK will leave, but probably will still be under the European Union thumb and the UK will have to pay a divorce bill of £39 billion to the EU for the pleasure of leaving, but staying. Santa Ralph is really upset with these politicians. They have been very naughty and are on Santa’s naughty list.
Anyway, back to the Notary ! The other day we got a phone call from the Notary. He said he could do it, but it will cost us €1500 (about the same in US dollars).
Yes Murli … WHAT !! … €1500 for two bits of paper ! Natascha and I decided to stop it right there. What would you do ?
A couple of months ago, (even though I live in Austria,) as a UK pensioner I found out that I may be entitled to the UK winter fuel allowance. A one-off annual payment to help with the home fuel bills. So, by phone, I applied. I was grilled for an hour, question after question. When I hung up, I was left totally drained. Two things could happen. Firstly, I might get a letter of rejection, or secondly, I might get some money credited to my account on the 15th of December. That’s today ! No letter, so fingers crossed !
Yes, Samantha, you will be kept nice and warm whatever happens !
You two girly cats have been good this year, BUT Sonic (the little boy cat) has been naughty. He pooed on the bed !
Knowing my readers, it’s a stupid question, but, hey, fill up the comments with all your juicy details !
(That’s me banned from WordPress then. Oh boy !)
Ralph xox ❤
Photographs of the cats taken by Natascha.
Unless something dramatic happens I usually don’t have a clue what I am going to post about next. This post could have been about nothing until I read three UK newspaper items which triggered my imagination and developed into my usual craziness.
It all began with an article about University professors being told not to use capital letters to emphasise the point as it may upset snowflake students. Capital letters in texts means that you are shouting at them and they may cry. The professors were also told not to use the words ” do” and “don’t”.
I am sure that I have many snowflake readers who are really upset by seeing that my post title is in capital letters.
It’s not my fault. I’m not shouting at you. The theme developer made it this way. I wrote normally …
… so don’t cry. Are you crying ?
The next two newspaper articles were even crazier, so I decided to write a play about Ralph’s Snowflake University. The Trumpet University is not in my league.
Ralph, that’s me, the Dean/Don of Ralph’s Snowflake University sitting behind my desk in the Oval Office. Students call me Ding Dong, I’ve no idea why. Anyway, it’s the first day and I am interviewing my one and only student. At US$1 million per week, I only need one student. Her Dad pays an unrefundable bucketload covering the full 3 years in advance and the student usually only lasts one day.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Come in ! Take a seat !
Dragging noises across the floor.
No no ! When I asked you to take a seat, I didn’t mean for you to leave my office and take it home with you. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* The knocking was in capitals and you told me ….
I know. I’m sorry. I should have made myself much clearer to you … umm …
*shuffling through papers*
… Mandy Manning from Many Mansions, Manchester, England.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* No, I am Dy Ning from Y Sions, Chester, England. I hate … I can’t say it … M-A-N or M-E-N, so I am a womxn or a wo. Please treat me that way Ding Dong.
That’s okay Dy. Womxn or wo it is then. I think we may have a problem with what course you are going to take to get your degree at this wonderful University. As you know the University has a directive that students may opt out of any subject which may upset you.
*shuffling through papers*
History, yes, a degree in history should suit you Dy.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* Noooo ! Someone got killed in 33 A.D., so I am opting out.
Okay, that’s Religion down the toilet. I really do have the feeling that you will opt out of the rest of the degrees that our fantastic University offers, such as Business MANagement, Chinese MANdarin, politics in OMAN, horse breeding where you would be up to your elbows in se…
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* My Dad wants me to graduate with a degree. Is there nothing for me ?
Well, we do have a degree in vegetarian diet, including growing MANgos. How about that ?
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* Not really. I am a vegetarian, but love to eat cheese.
Sorry Dy, our gorgeous University doesn’t have a degree for vegedairyans. This was difficult, but, I have the perfect degree for you, Dy, and you can graduate with honours today. Congratulations, you have graduated with a degree in Pathetic Excuses, which is perfect for a career in Insurance Claims, Politics or working in the Benefits Office. You should do well. Congratulations Miss Dy. Good bye.
Bwaaaaaa *sniffle* I am not a Miss ! I am Ms … Mizzz !
With that parting remark, Mandy flounced out of my office. I hit the intercom button.
Amanda … oops, sorry … Ada, I will be leaving the University for the airport. Please contact my pilot and ask him to prepare for my arrival. I am leaving for the Cayman Islands !
Ralph’s Snowflake University.
Make Universities Great Again !
Ralph xox ❤
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