This is what a man looks like when he realises that he is getting married in two weeks time.
Last Friday at very short notice, really short notice, friends of Jim met up in a local Spanish bar for his “sort of” stag night. It was daylight !
As for the women, they were organised ! Einar left his home for the bar with tales of Louise’s hen night in full swing. Table strewn with “confetti”, champagne bottles already empty downed through penis drinking straws. Erect jelly babies with added calories. And they were only a half an hour into it !
The men, another kettle of fish ! Well, three of them went fishing in the river (caught 6 barbel, returned to the water) then onto the bar for a beer or two, or three !
That was the extent of male organisation.
No stripper, not even paint stripper ! And the sheep ran away !
You know the game ! Someone sticks something on your forehead and you guess away !
Am I male ? Yes !
Am I upstanding, but generally hangs himself ? Yes !
Is hair a feature ? Yes !
Do I do one thing and then do something completely different ? Yes !
Am I Donald Trump ? Yessss ! You guessed it !
Cheers Jim & Louise ! Have a wonderful wedding in the UK on the 16th !
So I slowly made my way home, singing that after party classic !
I arrived outside my home. What’s going on ? My young Spanish neighbour Pedro, his three children and pet dog Niña were standing on their front balcony in total shock. It transpired that the new neighbour’s wife went mental over Pedro’s children doing things that children do. She shouted at them, saying things like, “Go home to Africa !” and promptly emptied her street sweepings on our door step.
It was Friday night ! Pedro called the local police.
Guess what I saw in the street over the weekend !
Oh boy !
Monday arrived. Jack hammer day ! All day ! Pretty much every square foot of the new neighbours house front has been ravaged by the jack hammer. The noise was awful and then it suddenly stopped. Yay !
The local police arrived to visit the new neighbours. Two and a half days after Pedro’s phone call, it must be a serious matter !
We could hear what the policeman was saying. Things like,
“Please be calm lady. Forget cleaning the street as the Town Hall has people to do that !“.
(She’s out sweeping the street now, 3 hours before this post goes live. So much for the local police advice ! Oh boy !)
As soon as he drove away the jack hammering restarted with a vengeance. For heaven’s sake. !
The new neighbour gave me the finger when I complained to him about the awful noise. That was a no-no. I have initiated payback. If it works I’ll update you my friends !
Remember: A great friend is a treasure, gold, a keeper; whereas an enemy is dust which is easily blown away and forgotten.
Oh no ! Not her ! 😦
Ralph xox ❤
This post is the latest on my New Neighbours (NewN) and how I had some payback with the help of Karma.
Please enjoy this very highbrow song which is relevant to what is coming.
Eastern European NewNs arrived from California to this quiet mountain village in southern Spain and purchased the house next door last year. Then all hell was let loose. The wife glared and screamed at villagers from her street balcony, banged on our walls late at night, played a scale on her piano for hours on end (nothing else) etc. Parked across the road, the 4 tyres of a Spanish friend’s car was slashed one night. An unknown villager retaliated, throwing old engine oil all over the front of the NewN house. The NewNs reported me, my young Spanish neighbours plus another to the Spanish Guardia Civil police and activated a denuncia stating that we did what they were actually doing themselves. I understand the police took no further action as she was crazy.
One: The other afternoon the Guardia Civil police were in the street taking photographs of the NewNs four CCTV cameras which are monitoring the street and public pathway to the river. In Spain CCTV monitoring of neighbours and public areas is totally illegal.
Two: The NewNs got permission from the Town Hall for a yellow line outside their garage, but not the yellow line across the road. He parks his car on it !
Three: Verified information is being sent to me about his “business” in California. A home rental agent. Post Office drop address in Camarillo. No office. Complaints of not refunding deposits when he didn’t activated rentals. His workmen stole from properties…. and HE COMPLAINED TO ME that his US$1.2 million Thousand Acre home had to be sold for US$800,000 ! Karma did her bit in the village by breaking his ankle when he was unloading his pianos and Regency furniture out of the huge shipping container from California.
Oh, an email from the NewNs ! That’s a first !
Someone’s in my water meter box ! Probably listening to them singing ! I sent an email.
At 12:11 I saw Cameron, your “builder”, fiddling in the water meter
box of 137 Cañada d r Tesoro. this is more evidence of tampering with
another property without permission.
BTW does Camarillo ring a bell ? Oh boy ! It’s all adding up.
I hated to do this post, nothing like me really, but I will not be trampled on.
Ralph xox ❤
As an older man I am completely useless in finding a woman to come and live with me. I have come up with a plan and that is to lay it all out on the table, be positive and open. After reading this you will come running to live with me.
One: You will be amazed that an older man can count without using the calculator on a smartphone.
Three: An older man will probably grab hold of your breast in the street. That’s okay, he just lost his balance.
Four: The older man will take longer to get dressed than you and you will probably find him wearing your underwear only because he picked up the nearest thing to put on.
Five: You may spend many hours in the shower with an older man because both of his hands are grasping tightly on the handrails as he can’t stand up properly.
Six: You may be dying to have sex with him whereas the older man may be dying when he has sex with you.
Seven: The older man may ask you why you are wearing a catapult when he sees your thong climbing out of your denims half way up your back.
Eight: The older man may offer to cook you an amazing dinner then forget why he is in the kitchen.
Nine: The older man is well travelled and while having a cuddle with you, will call you Yoko, Fatima, Gerta, Mavis and Honey-Bunny all in the same sentence.
Ten: The older man is great at listening when you tell him of your day of shoe shopping and he will answer you with 75 reasons of why a bicycle chain falls off its wheel sprocket.
See ! I am totally irresistible and incredible !
Oh boy !
Start running ! No ! This way ! 😉
Ralph xox ❤
The last time I went on holiday was to Israel in 2014. Time for a new adventure.
Haha ! Very funny China Cat !
Good ! The cats are asleep ! Now where shall I go ? *thinks*
What now ? What’s up China Cat ?
Oh dear, I am so sorry for leaving you. Even with a friend visiting for a couple of minutes each day to feed you, it was a difficult fortnight holiday for me as I was constantly worrying about you.
It was also difficult being on holiday with my hands as they are. I couldn’t pick up coins, cut food or do anything much with them … and … my trousers fell down so many times when I had to remove my belt at all the security check points. I might as well have gone on holiday just wearing my Superman boxers !
I think I’ll forget the whole idea and stay at home.
Oh boy !
What is your suggestion ?
Ralph xox ❤
Cue music !
Star Wars theme by John Williams
In a Spanish
mountain village far, far away
Hands Solo (very entertaining for him)
and his lazy, good-for-nothing furry side-kicks ….
…. were invaded by the Park Side.
Hands Solo (again ? nice !) dispatched CO0CO0 and robot China Cat on an important mission.
For heaven’s sake ! It’s a story of what happened ! Where was I ?
The Park Side, led by queen NewN (new neighbour) had denounced Hands Solo (three times in one post ! Whew !).
The denuncia was stopped and probably torn up by the Yeti Knights ….
…. I mean “Jedi Knights” (the Guardia Civil police) who put the brakes on her complaint, as the queen NewN was irritating, irrational and had tried to bribe a Jedi Knight to turn him to the Park Side. The Farce was with her.
The Park Side NewN queen illegally painted yellow lines on the galactic highway. The commander of the Town Hall was turned to the Park Side by refusing to eliminate these Park Side insignias.
…. from nowhere, in flew Fluke Streetwalker wielding his Light Sabre (it was very light, being made of balsa wood).
Aided by his Merry Men (ooops ! Wrong movie).
Fluke Streetwalker swung his Light Sabre time after time ….
…. until the yellow Park Side insignia was totally destroyed.
What will happen to the other Park Side insignia ?
Will the Park Side queen order a drone (builder) to repaint the destroyed insignia ?
Will Hands Solo (four times ! Exhausting, but fun !) be ravished by a Princess ?
Will CO0CO0 and robot China Cat be dispatched on an important mission ?
Will the furry side-kicks do anything to enhance this movie ?
Exciting, isn’t it ? But you guys are no fun. Oh boy !
I believe that thoughts are things.
Send out good thoughts, the right thoughts, and your world will right itself.
Send out bad thoughts, hate etc., it will come back and bite you BIG TIME !
A mixed bag of thoughts will just confuse your life.
The choice is yours.
Or do you get a headache just thinking ? 😉
Happy Easter !
Ralph xox ❤
PS: As all the post photo files I have saved are in a right mess, I am going to try to number my posts from now on. If I remember !
I was in the process of setting up the photos for another post when I had to break off and tell you this.
When the local Spanish town hall was asked why the illegal yellow lines in the street painted by my new neighbours (NewNs) have not been eradicated after so many months, they said ………
….. “We know it is illegal. We are not going to black out the lines because in the future the NewNs might apply for yellow lines. Approval may possibly be given. If all the criteria are met we won’t have to paint the yellow lines again, will we ?”
Is this Sensible, Illegal, Logical, Laziness, or just a
joke Yoke ?
“SILLY” I reckon !
Oh, and there’s more !
In a previous post someone suggested installing CCTV to monitor Pedro’s car in case the tyres were slashed again.
After extensive research on using CCTV in Spain I found that CCTV is okay for viewing one’s own private property. Viewing neighbours, public streets and pathways are a no-no. Very naughty ! Really BIG fines !
Guess who just installed 4 cameras monitoring our street, my street door and public pathway beside their house ? My NewNs !
Normally I wouldn’t mind, but what happens if one of you tiptoes in to visit me from your country for a weekend secret rendezvous d’amor ? …. (translation: you’ve come to borrow money 🙂 )
Oh, and there’s more !
Okay ! The NewNs think that they now have total control of 2 sides of their house. The public path has cameras. The street has cameras and yellow lines. Now they are trying to control the 3rd side which happens to be me, the young Spanish family below and their father (who lives elsewhere in this Spanish village).
How do they do it ? Simple. In conjunction with the two Spanish builders (who have been jack-hammering for the NewNs for months in this work impoverished Spanish village and have to go along with whatever the NewNs say. Money talks !) they visited the Guardia Civil (Spanish “military” police) and made out a denuncia (a legal complaint) against me and the 3 Spaniards as a group complaint. We have done nothing except live our lives normally and are still doing so. BTW, if a denuncia is proved to be false, heavy fines and/or prison awaits.
As the Guardia Civil have not yet seen me or informed me directly of the contents of the denuncia (probably can’t climb the stairway to my apartment as they are in a heap on the floor due to excessive laughter) I am in a position to relate some gems within the denuncia. Such as >>>
Complaints against me
He is jealous of our house.
Me bad ! Is it because I am English ?
He bangs on our wall.
Me bad ! Sorry for the echo of you banging on my wall.
He is not nice to me when we talked on the balcony.
Me bad ! I must be nicer to you when I walk away while you were saying nasty things about Toni and another time after your horrendous late night banging which woke up and made a baby boy cry.
Complaint against Toni
When I speak to her nicely, she ignores me.
She bad ! I am sure that in the future she will ignore you when you nicely shout abuse at her.
Complaint against Pedro
He parked his car in our bit of the street.
He bad ! I am sure that in the future that he will park his car legally in the street. Oh, that is ALL the street !
Complaint against Toni’s father
He glowered at me.
He bad ! I am sure that next time you shout abuse at him from your balcony he will glower at you nicely.
There is a fourth side to the NewNs house …. a field !
Oh boy !
Ralph xox ❤
The other day my sidebar went haywire. I
moaned and groaned opened up a new thread in the WordPress Forum. A Happiness Engineer responded. It seems that my theme (bought in 2012) is out-of-date, old software and has been retired, but they will try to fix any future problems until its totally unfixable. All new themes are geared up for tablets and smartphones, so prepare to read one photo/one line text posts. Glorified Twitter !
It seems that all old themes have been retired and may eventually die. I just hope that I don’t switch on my laptop one morning and find my blog in the WordPress obituary.
I may have to buy a new theme. I don’t want to ! *throwing tantrum*
Anyway, read all about it here in my WordPress Forum thread
Oh boy !
Ralph xox ❤
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