It seems like only a year has gone by since my 6th WP anniversary. Strange that ! Thank you so much for joining me on my blogging journey, usually into the unknown. You may have noticed that I am not posting as often as I should. This is mainly due to my wobbly hands and psychotic voice/typing app. Comments are almost impossible for me to reply to, but I do love reading them.
The other day I found a piece of paper which may help to catch those thieving scammers who took me for a ride a few years ago. I scanned and emailed it off to the Halifax Building Society (UK) Security email address.
Immediately, I received an automatic reply from, not Halifax BS (UK), but Lloyds Bank (UK). WHAT ??
This mailbox is dedicated solely to reporting emails sent by fraudsters that impersonate the Bank. Please note that other types of email, messages or requests cannot be actioned, and cannot be forwarded on to any other department. The only action this mailbox can take is to request deletion of fraudsters’ email addresses and URLs where our brand name or logo has been used without permission. There may be delays as our partners process these requests.
How awful. A bank to which I have not sent an email to, complaining to me about their logo and brand name. I DIDN’T WRITE TO YOU Lloyds Bank ! Forward my email to the organ grinder, monkey !
At the bottom of the reply email I was told to telephone a 0€00 number instead. I needed to go out and find a telephone where I can plug in a document as there was no number for a fax.
Boy, I needed a coffee ! I don’t know why, I get scalded hands when I drink from the mug and the coffee always pours down my chest. Strange that !
So off I went to find a special telephone.
I am very security conscious and always leave a spare front door key well hidden under the mat.
Shucks, I can’t use the car as the barrier is locked down.
No matter, I enjoy a tram ride especially in the left seat.
I wonder how the telephone call will go ?
10 minutes of angelic music.
Your call is important to us. For training purposes we are recording this conversation. Please wait for a highly trained banking specialist to speak to you, or ….
…. Press one if you have had sex with our logo without our permission. Press two if you wish to speak to a foreign national. Press three if you are worried about your data being protected. Your data is important to us, that is why we have sent it from the UK to strange people in a foreign country such as India. No one will find it or misuse it there. Press four …. dialling tone !
I never found a phone.
By now I felt quite hungry and sporty, so I popped into a store to buy some meatless meatballs and a footless football.
The store assistant had to call an ambulance because a lady had a severe reaction and collapsed when touching a tomato.
After all that excitement, I queued up for an hour behind one lady and two manikins at the checkout.
Luckily, the fire alarm went off, so I dumped my shopping and went out into the street.
While waiting for a bus home I found a quiet spot to have a cigarette.
I waited and waited for a bus, which never came. Fed up, I walked home.
On arrival at home, I replied to the automatic reply email.
CONGRATULATIONS ! Halifax Security has won the Ralph’s “Pass the buck and don’t give a f<<k” award
I didn’t get an automatic reply from my reply to their automatic reply. I wonder why ?
Facepalm News ~As there is so much craziness going on, I have decided to add a new item to my posts ….. Facepalm News ! Enjoy !
I am sorry that you are offended by all the fullstops in this post Maybe I should get rid of all punctuation and words so as not to offend anyone From now on I should draft and publish a one noise post grunt or oink Or do you have a suggestion ? Oh no I must have offended someone by using a question mark SORRY Ooops capital letters I am not shouting at you
Ralph xox ❤
Cats photographed by Natascha and other images borrowed from Internet newspapers and from Google images.
I can do that ! It can’t be that difficult. I have Social Media. That’s a start ! Maybe I will get loads of money from Nigeria and expensive free things. I have ONE MILLION, well three followers on TwitFace. An old couple, now in Heaven ………
…… and a budgerigar who tweets day and night. I have just found out that the budgerigar is really that thieving Nigerian scammer, Bongo Bongo Banana.
I am sure that I cannot do any worse than this girl. But, you know me !
(the following pictures are PHOTOSHOPPED real)
That’s the followers sorted, now I need credibility. Maybe a celebrity would help. So I reckon Jesus would do. After a stroll on water we would go for a meal. Fed up with bread and fishes we would have burgers and fries, enough for the 40,000. The wine, found to be watered down, would be quickly fixed by Him.
I am sure that Moses would help. I do recommend his ten-part series of tablets, a bit like encyclopaedias, but no shelving needed. They are free 24/7. Go direct to Him and not to evangelists who request payment so that they can build palaces and buy jet aircraft for themselves.
I am sure that patting Cleopatra’s ASS asp would be click bait ….
…… perhaps not ! This might be better.
Here are a few things that I will get for free as a Social Media Influencer.
Eventually I will be at the top of the Social Media Influencer ladder. Even Presidents will do my bidding.
I will be so powerful that I would demand TwitFace to give me everything for free. The response was not quite what I expected. They didn’t give a damn ….
…… and closed my account, banishing me to the Realm Of The Spinning Circle forever.
It was then I had a meltdown.
Time to scream, “Alms for the poor !”
Oh well, go back to being retired I suppose and watch my favourite kitty gif.
Ralph xox ❤
I think I am pretty well organised. Well I thought so. When I left Spain about 20 months ago for Austria, I informed every Spanish government office, including Spanish social services that I was out of there. I thought that the only thing I had left to do was to sell my Spanish apartment then everything would be done and dusted.
Over the years that I lived in the apartment, Toñi, my neighbour, was a godsend. She did almost everything for me, washing clothes, cleaning and cooking. She was in tears the day I left. I will miss her and her husband, Pedro, who did countless handyman jobs for me.
Anyway, months before I met Natascha, Toñi thought that it was a great idea that I had someone from the Spanish social services to give me a hand when she was not around. As most of you know I have trouble keeping my hands still. If I pick up a cup of coffee my hands shake so much that the molecules in the liquid decide that they have had enough and jump out all over the floor, committing suicide. Toñi filled out the form and on returning that day from the Spanish social services she told me that it may be up to 10 months before I am assessed for assistance. I imagined that help from a handmaiden or belly dancer would be all that I needed.
But knowing my luck ……. say no more !
A few days ago I received an email from Toñi. She had found a letter in my letter box from the Spanish social services. It seems that I had a visitor. My assessment for help ! Of course they did not phone or email before banging on my door. Two years it took them to have someone come round. For heaven’s sake I could have been out for the day, dead, or cleared off to Austria, got married, gained an extra cat, learned how to yodel while wearing tight fitting lederhosen.
I don’t think that I will arrange another appointment. Haha, appointment ? Because I would hate to think of someone banging on my door in two years time when I could be out for the day, dead, or cleared off to Austria, got married ………. etc. etc. ! BUT, what if the Spanish social services decided to give me a handmaiden without seeing me ? I might receive a letter in two years time saying that a handmaiden has been assigned to me. Two years after that she would knock on my Spanish apartment door and get no answer, thinking that I have been out for the day, dead, or cleared off to Austria, got married, gained an extra cat, learned how to yodel while wearing tight fitting lederhosen, she would leave a letter in my letterbox stating that I must re-apply for assessment. How many years would it take for the Spanish social services to decide to sell my apartment to pay for my handmaiden ?
Anyway, thank you so much Toñi and Pedro, you are awesome friends.
A few days ago was Father’s Day when I received this lovely card from the pussycats. They had mesmerised Natascha into a catatonic state who made the card to the cats’ specifications. Thank you so much my awesome family !
Natascha has taken wonderful photographs of the birds in the garden from the balcony. Here are a couple of them. Handsome creatures !
My cats are plotting something.
I have worked out what they are up to. They are reaching out for a tummy rub !
Hand in here and don’t be late or Samantha will pat you on the head. She is boss cat ! Or just comment as normal.
Ralph xox ❤
Cat photographs taken by Natascha and the empty apartment photograph by Toñi.
Wife with THAT look: “You are so childish !”
Husband: “No, I am not. Now get out of my fort !”
1: A man who is about to get married must ensure that his future wife has really fallen for him before finalising the wedding.
2: Make sure that your honeymoon is memorable.
3: Always tell your wife that she is beautiful even when she is delicately applying a mud pack.
4: When your wife asks you what coloured shoes she should wear, tell her that either looks wonderful on her.
5: Your wife will be delighted every time you phone her unexpectedly.
6: Impress your wife by your flat pack building skills.
7: Your wife will be so happy with the ceiling fan you have just installed.
8: Encourage your wife when she wants to keep fit.
9: Designate a special area in your home for your wife to practice yoga.
10: A good husband will do those labour intensive jobs such as cutting small logs for the log burner.
11: Your wife will be so pleased that you take out the garbage every night.
12: Your wife will love you for being so conscientious about recycling garbage.
13: Always praise your wife for her parking skills.
14: If your wife wants to help global warming by joining a car pool, be happy to let her.
15: Be a gentleman and get the shopping cart for your wife.
16: Let your wife go get that little extra item she wants.
17: Encourage your wife to help you stay smart for her.
18: If your wife cannot do something, praise her for trying, then encourage her to try again.
19: Finally, be your wife’s best friend and keep her smiling.
Follow my tips and you will live happily ever after.
I heard that !!
Or, if you are single, will you get married now ?
Ralph xox ❤
Gifs borrowed on temporary loan from Google images. Cat photographs taken by Natascha.
A crossword is a thinking man’s Candy Crush
“MAN ?”. What am I saying ? Sorry Snowflakes, I know, that’s NOT Politically Correct. It’s NOT “thinking MAN”. I meant to say “duh, whoever”. That should cover all the bases ! Why am I being forced by minority Snowflake Natsis to reject sanity ?
Using their reasoning, I reckon the dinosaurs died out because they listened to Snowflakes.
Snowflakes would probably die of starvation
And finally, God created Man and Woman. Nope, God created Womxn and Bridge !
Some wedding night ! So her pregnancies will avalanche into the open after one million years. Each baby will weigh five hundred pounds and she will probably name them Archie, Rocky and Pebbles.
Where was I ? Oh, crossword !
That’s true. Natascha and I have been together for almost 2 years and we have never had an argument. No need !
Sonic and Samantha ARE noisy. What’s going on ?
TIP OF THE DAY: Cat’s advice. Finish an argument by licking each other’s faces (and don’t forget to click the Lick button 😉 ).
……
Chickens crossing the road need not comment 🙂
Ralph xox ❤
Personal photographs and cat photographs & video taken by Natascha
Some of you, my lovely readers, can relate to this. Why have I got so many followers ? Over 3000 to date ! I reckon that there are less than 200 who actually visit, comment, like or hit my blog. To the remaining 2800 I have a question. Why do you ONLY follow, then disappear, never to be seen again ?
That question actually leads me into my post. All of you 200 followers are special to me and I would like to give a shout out to one follower, whom I also follow. Mutual stalking ?
Hi Resa ! If it wasn’t for blogging, Resa and I would have never communicated and Natascha and I would have never met and got married. So thank you WordPressCom.
In a machine age, dressmaking is one of the last refuges of the human, the personal, the inimitable.
Resa is phenomenal ! Not only is she a fantastic movie Costume Designer, once nominated for a prestigious Canadian Film Award, but also in her spare time she creates wonderful Art Gowns. I think she has lovingly hand sewn over 12 gowns to date. Each one taking months to make out of scraps of material. They are all different and unique. It would be brilliant if she could one day show them in a gallery or on a catwalk.
This is where the gown “O Royal Treasure” comes into Natascha and my wedding last year.
Resa decided to name the gown after the Spanish village I lived in at the time. Cañada del Real Tesoro …. Track of the Royal Treasure. She thought that the gown would make a wonderful wedding dress for Natascha. After a lot of research, it was decided not to send the gown from Canada to Austria due to the expense and possible loss in transit, which would have been awful. Anyway, both Natascha and I would like to thank Resa for the kind thought which we will always treasure.
Resa asked us to link the gown to a charity and we chose Water Aid.
Recently, Resa made this drawing of Natascha wearing the gown. Lovely ! Thank you, our friend.
Please click on these images which will take you to the relevant posts.
What are they thinking ?
“Am I French yet ?” 🙂
“Pipe down Samantha !”
Ralph xox ❤
Cat photos by Natascha
Some of you may remember that in 2014 I was scammed. During December 2017 a newspaper article led me to apply for my money back.
Here are the updates from the Western Union Remission website.
Update September 10, 2018. Over 180,000 petitions have been received in the Western Union remission process. The claims administrator is currently reviewing and evaluating all submissions to determine eligibility. If your petition is deficient, the administrator may contact you by mail to explain the deficiency and seek additional information. After the petition review is complete, recommendations will be provided to the Department of Justice for final decisions. Due to the large volume of petitions submitted, it is anticipated the petition review process will continue into 2019. Payments cannot be issued until all petitions are reviewed
Update April 10, 2019. Over 38,000 deficiency letters were mailed to petitioners in the United States on March 29, 2019. One or more of the following deficiencies were identified on petitions filed by those who received a letter: 1) the petition was unsigned; 2) a taxpayer identification number, such as a social security number (SSN) was not provided; and/or 3) sufficient supporting proof or documentation for some or all of the claimed amount was not provided.
So, I have to patiently wait, either for a letter wanting more information, or, a letter containing a cheque. I hope the latter. I also hope that they don’t ask for me to send US$400 to Ghana before I receive the money. I may get a bit suspicious, wouldn’t you ?
Meanwhile, I’ll sit back and watch this lady deal with a scammer.
A couple of things I have learned about my being scammed. Firstly, I should have listened to my friends who suspected Tammy was probably a fake, and, secondly, KEEP OLD PAPERWORK. I am so pleased that I did file the Western Union receipts and did not throw them out when I moved from Spain to Austria in 2017.
On Wednesday, 24th April 2019, Natascha and I had been married for a year. Awesome !
I went shopping for that special anniversary gift on the lower -3 level
I tried to find and ask Service for help in finding Floor -3. Failed miserably !
Oh well, patience Natascha. That special anniversary gift ? Next year !
I’m in trouble now !
Sonic and Samantha are on the balcony while Murli is finishing off cake crumbs. All is quiet in the Whillier home. Bliss !
Ralph xox ❤
Cat photographs taken by Natascha
Yes, I had a dream and I am not Martin Luther King !
Join me in the dream, boys and girls ? Puff up your pillow ? Comfy ? Well, here goes !
I live in an old people’s home. A lovely place with futuristic, almost prophetic, murals on the wall.
My apartment is number 39, level 3. I never get any visitors. I wonder why ?
I am really assured that we are securely protected from any bad person who may want to enter the home.
The staff wear functional work clothes …….
…… and with just a press of the MISTRESS* OF LAYABOUTS ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPIST button they come running …….
…… usually to help me recharge. At my age, I need it !
We are instructed to check through the peep hole in the front door for no bad people before leaving the home.
I jump in my vehicle. For some reason it always needs a bump start.
As usual, the traffic was a bit confused going into town.
I popped into the Starbucks drive through and gulped down a welcome cup of coffee. It was garbage really.
Feeling better, I drove into the supermarket car park. Couldn’t buy a parking ticket from the new solar powered machine. It didn’t work ! Every day I get fined for having no ticket ! No idea why.
In the store I bought a lovely, useful, Snowflake Waffle maker. I have heard that Snowflakes waffle all the time. Should come in handy !
At my age, I need to go to the toilet …. A LOT ! It was quite a relief to pee with 500 other me’s. That’s a lot of pee !
I made sure that I was presentable on the leaving the rest room. The new fangled mirror refuses to show my back.
The handy garbage bin next to the mirror was just right for the glass waste and paper packaging I always carry with me in case I find such a bin. Lucky me to find one !
On leaving the store, the friendly store keeper threw a pineapple at me. What a kind person to pelt me with such a gift !
On returning to the home I found myself recharged and could stand much better.
No need to press the button today !
I wonder what our cats are up to ? They are very quiet.
I HEARD THAT !!!
Ralph xox ❤
The photographs of the cats were taken by Natascha
* Apologies to my Gender Confused readers. Please delete “MISTRESS” and insert “MISGUIDEDNESS”. For your information, there are only TWO sexes … “MALE” and “THE BOSS”. 🙄
Whole Earth’s new product ‘3 Nut Butter’ contains walnuts, pecans and peanuts
But thousands of the £2.50 jars are being recalled from supermarkets like Tesco
Jars breach rules which state that there has to be a nut allergy warning in English
Withdrawal by Kent County Council prompted disbelief from social media users
1982 ! Missiles flying ! Men scared, exhilarated, dying, wounded !
1978 ! Missiles building ! Men fed up, exhausted, frustrated !
That year, life for me went topsy-turvey. On leaving the British Army, I found myself being resettled in a factory tuning a block of metal used in a missile. Initially I drove to work. Traffic jam every day and I never seemed to arrive on time. So I bought a Puke. No licence required, just a helmet and warm clothing. Yes, I arrived at the factory on time. Zippy !
Clocking on at 8am. Entered the workshop. “Morning !”. The Fitters, Engineers, grunted back. Another groundhog day began. The block of metal was state of the art for 40 years ago. It had wires, tubes, screws to turn, surrounded by test equipment, oven and refrigeration, and was a pain in the neck to work perfectly. It would work at room temperature, then threw a wobbly at minus 20°C. Get that right and it would refuse to play ball at +60°C. Eventually, after many hours, it worked, got fitted into the missile and off it went for the Navy to play with. For me, another block of metal, then another, then another, day after day.
Zipping home to my first wife and two girls on my Puke gave me a such a sense of freedom and the fresh air was lovely. I found myself at home, volunteered to working on the house and ironing clothes. She wanted bras and underwear ironed. Not Monday to Sunday panties, no ! ….
….. to me, it was the 1st of January to the 31st of December panties, EVERY WEEK !
Oh, I painted doors as well !
This gif shows perfectly what working in the factory is like. At the end of the month your salary goes into the Bank. Whatever you do with it, it never seems to be enough. It is thrown away on bills, whatever is urgently needed for and Oreos. Whatever you do with it, it always comes back and hits you squarely in the face by you having to go back to the factory every groundhog day morning and start all over again.
Cats ! Who’d have them !
Ralph xox ❤
Photographs of Sonic taken by Natascha.
Over the years I have had my ups and downs with many women. Not understanding one iota of how they function. This video explains it all.
Your turn. Where on the crazy/hot chart below do you or your partner hang out ?
Or, if you wish, you can vote as many times as you like in this poll.
There I was, minding my own business, setting up the photographs for this post, when up popped a new post from Pamela’s blog in my Inbox.
QED ! She must be psychic !
My first few years of life were okay … exploring on my own. England’s green and pleasant land was my playground. No other kids in the valley except my sister.
She had two hobbies, horses and getting me into trouble. Later on in her life she admitted to our parents that she used to egg me on to do something naughty, she would tell our mother and when Dad got home from work he’d beat the crap out of me and send me up to the attic where I stayed all night with nothing to eat or do. I spent many hours sitting on the window ledge staring along the valley. So, to me, girls were to be avoided as much as possible and the English countryside was my haven.
Junior school had girls, boys and myself, all from far away villages. There was a no talking policy in school and my knuckles were rapped with a ruler many times for breaking that rule. For hours on end we were taught to chant the Times Table in unison …… seven times one is seven … seven times two is fourteen … seven times three is … Don’t know ? Google it ! (no Google in those days). Playtime was 15 minutes of mayhem. No time for girls.
So girls were off my radar.
And then …. wham ! …. at the age of 12, my parents buggered off to West Africa. I was assessed to be intelligent enough to be sent to a boys only boarding school for 5 years.
To me, the school was a cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare. Girls ? Nope !
One subject I didn’t understand was Latin. It was all Latin to me !
Yes, he did look like him ! I became adept at evading incoming blackboard rubbers that he threw at me. There were a multitude of chalk marks on the wall behind where I sat.
I also enjoyed being removed from the Latin lesson and made to wait in the corridor outside, which was okay as it was the school museum with things in glass cases and had an area I found for a no-no cigarette. Daydreaming of doing sports or roaming the countryside during utterly boring History lessons was also a no-no …..
…… resulting in my visiting the headmaster. A cordial affair, but a bit one sided.
“Ralph … tut-tut, tut-tut-tut, tut … Here again ? I might as well move your desk in here. Bend over ! As a non-violent man, this is going to hurt me more than you.”
Idiot !
WHACK ! x6 ( I was good at Maths !)
Now look at the school. Girls everywhere !
It’s dripping in girls (probably with their noses in Facebook drooling over horse selfies). Neigh !
Eventually I finished school with certificates (not Latin or History) at the ripe old age of 17. As I was an expert at surviving a cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare, I signed on to another cross between a penal colony, Oliver Twist and psychological warfare …. The British Army !
I hadn’t a clue, no understanding at all of what my fellow newbee soldiers were bragging about, mainly women, parts of women and what they did with those parts (no Google in those days) .. until …
…. I got posted to Cyprus, working 24 hours then 3 days off, based a stone’s throw from a young soldier’s heaven. Famagusta ! A place where hot, sometimes crazy women fused into …. well, that’s another story !
After those 3 years of heaven, followed decades of ups and downs with women smoothing out to nothing …. until I met Natascha.
That says it all ! She IS a keeper !
There is an update concerning Murli’s toothy-pegs here
Ralph xox ❤
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