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Hello Beautiful !! Ralph’s Online Dating Mayhem

I am having as much fun with this online dating than in here. Are all women so wacky ?

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I was quietly minding my own business tapping away at the keyboard here in southern Spain. A comment I think. Then up popped a message for me out of the blue from one of the 2 dating websites. So I left off writing the comment, opened up the inbox in the website and read this message.

Hello Beautiful !! I would love to come around tonight to comfort you.

*shock* I have not been propositioned like this by anyone for years, not even by a hedgehog. In fact, not even since Helen of Troy dropped her toga. (Now that’s another story !). You know, the one who’s beauty sunk a thousand ships. That one !!

I looked again at the message and the photo of the pretty woman’s face and thought to myself, why not ? Live a little Ralph !! I was just about to reply and *shock* the message came from a woman in …….. wait for it ……….  from >>>>>

ROME, Italy !!!

Oh boy ! Are women geographically inept ?

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Has anybody got a hedgehog ??

(to be continued. Is nothing simple with me ??)

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Ralph xox <3

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Hello Handsome !!

Sorry. I’m in a hurry. No time for a post !!

I’ve finally done it !! I’m a 2 day old seasoned online dating specimen of a man. Wendy suggested I should give it a go and yes I am talking to some lovely ladies out there in the real world devoid of blogs. But, you know me, I have found amongst the diamonds this beautiful woman >>>>>>

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*wink*

(Oooh ! She winked at me. I had better email her.)

Hello. My name’s Ralph…………….3 lines later…………..See you !!

“HI handsome !”

(Wow. *faint* Did she say that to me ??)

That is a really sweet thing to say…………3 lines later…………..and why are you dating?

“HI handsome !”

(That’s strange ! I’ll try again as she is interested in me)

I love your profile. You look very young to be a 45 year old……..3 lines later……….See you !!

“HI handsome !”

(Change of tack I think)

I have an elephant sitting on my head juggling Spanish politicians

“HI handsome !”

(Blooming heck !!)

Can I talk to your Mum ?

“HI handsome !”

(Crazy !!)

Can you tell me which ward you are in ?

SILENCE

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Sorry. Got to go. No time for blogging. No time for posting.

Hurry ! Hurry !

Voluptuous Loopy and Boob-ee-doo want to talk.

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Do you think I’m going to find a woman online ?

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Ralph xox <3

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No time for a post !!

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Well !! Did You Knock My Socks Off ??

Samantha says, " I'm Daddy's hot girl ! Women ? No chance !"

Samantha says, ” I’m Daddy’s hot girl ! Women ? No chance !”

Knock my socks off ?? Dream on Ralph !!

Did you heck !! After almost a week of waiting, after almost 150 comments, do you know what I ended up with ? I am now wearing TWO pairs of socks held up with garters & suspenders and a pair of Wellington boots full of water !!

Not one bite

Not even a nibble

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So, what am I going to do now ??

I am not going to cry.

I am not going to jump off the balcony

I am not going to call the nearest dating agency

I am not going to become Hermit Ralph. Climb the nearest mountain, find a cave, throw away all my clothes and post weekly selfies of me for the next 30 years.

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But what I may do is …..

Reblog, reblog and reblog that last post until one of you says,

“For heavens sake, Ralph. For goodness sake. SHUT UP !! I will marry you as a sacrifice, to save the sanity of all your readers. I will be a martyr. I will take that single step forward and volunteer my life for a good cause. I stand proudly before all your likers, skimmers, commenters and say, ” I DID IT FOR YOU !!”.

So, Ralph. Although I love you, please sign here, giving me your rights, your deeds and bank account and after the wedding please sign the divorce papers. Then clear off !! “

On second thoughts !! Reblogging is NOT a wise move for me. :)

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What I will do then is …..

Carry on as before as if nothing happened. (Nothing DID happen Ralph !!)

In fact, something did happen. I have found many more true blogging friends, plus new blogging friends and now TWO bloggers who like my posts as soon as I publish. I am honoured and privileged to know you all (not in the biblical sense, but that would make my day !! :) ).

See you behind the bike sheds !!

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What do YOU think I should do ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Are You The Woman That Knocks My Socks Off ??

Wanted !!

A woman to share my life with !!

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I visited Al’s blog last night who is having problems with dating agencies. I don’t do dating agencies. We have both decided to ask our blogging friends if there are any women amongst us who are looking for a serious relationship with either of us.

So I’ll put my cards on the table and will give you a link to my friend’s blog at the end of this post

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Ralph

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Name:  Ralph

Age:  66

Lives where:  I own top floor large apartment in a mountain village near a river in southern Spain which has marvellous views.

email:  ralph.whillier@gmail.com

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About myself

What to say ?  My life story ? Just quickly. All my closest family, mother, father, sister are dead. I have been married twice. The first, for 14 years. I have two daughters who I am not in touch with ….. it’s complicated, but not an issue.  Divorced. Married again for one year, both of us married on the rebound, that didn’t work. I have been single for 24+ years living with a female companion who died of cancer 2 years ago. The release of caring for her made my hands vibrate, so I can’t do anything much with them. I am being treated for the problem and hopefully get cured.

I am okay financially, two pensions and savings. I have 3Mb wifi which we both can use.  Also English Sky TV,  Internet TV  and Spanish TV.  I don’t watch much, Formula One, Sci-fi and the news occasionally.

I am house trained ie. sweep, wash dishes etc.

cats

I have two 10 year old cats who have been with me all their lives. Also many local friends who are very supportive and I think, deep down, they would like to see me in a relationship and in love. I don’t drive as the soles of my feet are very sensitive. I gave my car away. I smoke, never indoors (well, a man must have at least one vice). I love blogging, am taking up photography and video.

Maybe it’s an idea if you watch the three videos RV 1,2 &3 of me in previous posts.

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About you

Any nationality considered. Age ? I don’t know.  20+ ?  You would have to be willing to live in Spain.  I would prefer you not being too rowdy, messy, overpowering and argumentative. Easy going would be nice, who can gel with my local friends of many nationalities (which means, as a couple, there will be more party invitations :D ). I am not looking for a cook, caregiver or slave. If you like doing those things, great, but really just someone to share my life with. A driver would be nice. which means buying a car to go out and about, as there is a lot to do and see.

You would have to consider what you have now, as it would be a big step for you to take.

If you like country life, a new start, me (which helps) contact me. I won’t bite (nibble maybe ;) )

I am willing to compromise ie. if you want to change me or things around at home, share everything. Whatever !!

Can you “Knock my socks off !!” I bet you can !! <3

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To my blogging friends

Most of you are married or have partners. Although I love you all, please don’t uproot and come-a-running. I would love you to put your thinking caps on, as maybe you have a friend, a desperate friend, or a mad enough big sister who is alone and may be willing to take a big step with me. It’s a big step FOR me as well. Perhaps you are a single female blogger looking for love.  If by some miracle I do pair up with you, my dream gal, then I would of course have to tone down my blog (no more flirting behind the bike sheds of Bluefish Way). All say, “Oh no !!” :shock:

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I live in the railway station village close by

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So, Princess, are you going to contact me ??  <3

I need a cuddle !!

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Ralph xox <3

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If I’m not the one for you, please give Al a visit

alClick for Al’s blog

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Father O’Ralph. “Let Us Play !!”

You knew this was coming !!

I have achieved many accomplishments since I began blogging. A baker, farmer, psychiatrist, surgeon and now I have decided to become Father O’Ralph (for this post).

The idea was triggered by a post in Honk if you’re a vegan I have been stalking following Celeste for a while now. Her latest post Was Noah really vegan in which she said:

“Genesis 1:29-30 tells us that human and non-human animals alike were given plants to eat, and as you note, this is reiterated in the ninth verse of the second chapter. Genesis 2:18-19 implies that animals were made to be friends or companions to humans. Taken together, these verses strongly suggest peace between God’s human and non-human creatures, prior to the fall.”

So, being me, I had to have fun with this. I commented :

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Celeste’s response was the key to me becoming Father O’Ralph with a dirty habit

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Ideal for the Church of O'Ralph

Ideal for the Church of O’Ralph

Notice Board

My church COO !! or Church of O’Ralph can be found adjacent to the Tea Rooms in Bluefish Way.

Any Nigerian visitors may leave their $17 million donations in the offertory box.

My congregation may congregate.

I do not do births, deaths or marriages but I am available to visit for tea and a piece of crumpet.

The confessional is open 24/7 in comments. Only juicy confessions heard or I’ll get bored. We’ll all get bored !!

Will the flower arrangers place flowers in the vases with the heads upward and not in the water.

There will be a choir practice at 7pm tonight. Please go somewhere else to practice.

Will the parents of our youngest organist Jimmy ask him to stop playing with his organ during my sermon.

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So, time for some fun !!  Ask any question to Father O’Ralph and I will try to reply with a fun scripture, King James Version.

Any theological points or sermons that I am bad, naughty, irreverent and should be sent to hell, will be trashed because I KNOW I AM !!

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So, what is your question my son or daughter ?

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Do you have juicy confession for Father O’Ralph ?

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Father O’Ralph xox <3

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My Mind Has Gone Blank !!

OMG !! I am well overdue in writing a post and my mind has gone totally blank. How can I write a post when I have nothing to talk to you about ?

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olkj (that was Samantha walking across my keyboard)

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Is it because of >>>>>

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LETTERS

1) Yippee ! My pension has increased by €3 a week. What shall I do with my new found wealth ?

2) A TAC scan of my sinuses in May. Now, that really gets up my nose !!

3) A 3 hour round trip to Malaga for an electroencefalograma in May. If I could say that I would have no need for an electroencefalograma, but it’s all about the fibre optics between my eyes and brain. Maybe I should upgrade to wifi !!

4) My bank has a great deal. No interest this year on my deposit/savings account, but their charges for the account has increased. So I give them money. A great deal !! I must put some more money in there.

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COMMENTS

1) I have spent many happy hour commenting about a lady (huh !!) blogger’s undies.

2) I wrote a book in a comment and edited out 20,000 words.

3) Your green envelopes have arrived and you loved the contents

4) I was expecting a moose as a gift from Canada, but it’s something else on its way. A female Mountie perhaps ?

5) My Notifier is chock-a-block with comments to reply to. I must get a life !!

6) I am now Father O’Ralph. Juicy confessions only please.

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EMAILS

1) I have bought loads of “stuff” on the internet. Please tell us about your shopping experience it will only take 15 seconds. I don’t want to. Okay. We have some great camera offers which you might like to buy. I don’t want to buy anything else thank you. Okay, well, how about our new range of bras ? I suppose I could keep my camera snuggled up in a bra. Buy !!!

2) I have $17 million in the bank for you. Then bloody well send it to me !!

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So, sorry, I have nothing for a post.

Any Ideas ??

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Ralph xox <3

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RV3 Cat Nap

Katie in one of her comments sparked this idea for Ralph’s video 3 which I have named Catnap. I think you will understand why when you see this video. Enjoy !!

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If you were a cat, where would you sleep ??

I’m going to have a siesta now. I need one !!

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Ralph xox <3

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RV2. The Factory.

This second video is giving the illusion of Hilda inserting items into the 17 green envelopes. As I was “injured” during the making of this video, my official stunt double, Dunt Stubble, stood in for me. Those of you with a nervous disposition (like me) please look away when watching this video. It’s quite long and I have learned NOT to stand in front of the camera and NOT learned how to cut a clip. Enjoy !!

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David , (Hilda’s husband)drove me up to Cortes de la Frontera Correos (post office) this morning and the green envelopes are “speedily” on their way to 17 of you as I speak.

rv2a

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Some of you in my last post asked to see Samantha. She refuses to be videoed, so I hope that this slideshow will be a small consolation.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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Have you ever worked in a factory like Hilda’s home ??

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Ralph xox <3 <3 <3

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RV1. My First Personal Video To You

I have been plucking up courage all evening to make, edit and upload this video. It starts off very nervously but I got into it eventually. So enjoy. Be kind !

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I will be making more videos around my home, around the village and beyond, over the next few weeks in preparation for my holiday in Jerusalem where I hope to be able to blog from.

Well, what do you think, of this, my first video ??

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Ralph xox <3 <3 :D

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My Holiday Has Just Begun …… Oh Boy !!

Guess where I am going ??

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Have you guessed yet ?? No. It’s not Japan !!

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Simple Huh ??

I am Ralph. Nothing is simple.

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Booking

I was thinking of visiting the USA for my summer holiday  which would have been too much for me. I always wanted to visit Israel especially Jerusalem. I am really drawn to go there. So I decided to go for it. 2 weeks in July !!

So I spent most of yesterday  looking for flights and a hotel package. Easy !!??!!

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Hotel

I chose this hotel (building with arches, top right of the photo)……..

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…….. because it sits on the Mount of Olives with a fantastic view of Jerusalem City one way and Bethlehem the other. It’s cheap because it’s a bit old and a bit run down (like me), but has wifi in the lobby, they feed me breakfast, the staff are great and I will sleep in a single bedroom.

Some views:

At breakfast

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At night ( hotel lit up, top centre)

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Dome on the rock (left). Hotel (right)

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Aerial view

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And then I found this …….. gulp !!  A earthquake fault line right through my bedroom !!

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Zec 14:4  And his feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives, which is before Jerusalem on the east, and the mount of Olives shall cleave in the midst thereof toward the east and toward the west, and there shall be a very great valley; and half of the mountain shall remove toward the north, and half of it toward the south.

Oh Boy !!!

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Flights

Easy !!  Malaga to Tel Aviv direct !! Nope !!

What I wanted.

Some of the choices. The longest, via Sweden ….. what !! ….. had no extra payment.

The one I chose (in yellow), via Rome, was quicker, but cost me an extra €100. I will arrive in my hotel at 5am in the morning the following day.  Oh boy !!

m7

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Payment

It was well in the evening when I had finally finished the booking on the internet.

Hotel…..check ! Flights…..check ! Credit card……check !!

Press….. Complete Your Booking……..

Sorry, there is a problem with your credit card. Please try another or contact your card issuer (in other words, why bother us when your credit card is totally useless Ralph)

Oh boy !!

I rechecked 3 times and pressed Complete…….

Hehe !! Your card bounced again and again and again ! This is fun !!

I phoned my card issuer and pressed buttons, waited, listened to “I’ve got you under my skin”, waited, waited and eventually ……

Human contact !!

Please give me details of this, that and the other, cat’s ages, mother’s birthday, last time you banged your head against the wall…..and so on. What’s your problem sir ???

I can’t pay for my holiday. Why ???

So sorry sir, the bank’s computer is down !!

Oh boy !!

He did phone me back and I managed to complete my booking.

Hoo *blooming* ray !!

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So ……

I’m going on holiday for 2 weeks in July to Jerusalem. I will be taking my laptop and will post while I’m there. Don’t expect a travel post because this is Ralph’s blog and anything can and will happen. You can bank on that !!

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Would you dare to come with me ??

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Ralph xox :)

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(credits: Thank you Mr Google and contributors for the photos and maps)

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