post

The Letter

The Letter

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 During the last visit to my pretty young Neurologist in Ronda hospital, Andalucia, Spain in May, I asked her to not make an appointment for me during the month of July as I would be on holiday in Israel. Guess what ? I have just found out that an appointment was made for me at the end of July, but I never received the letter stating the date, time and room number.

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So what happened to the letter ?

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Maybe my Neurologist is testing my psychic ability by not sending the letter.

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Oh well ! I can dream !

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Ronda……

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…..is only 20 miles (30k)…….

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…..from my home near Cortes de la Frontera.

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I live in the town’s railway station village. The letter could have come by train…..

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…….and had a scenic 40 minute rail ride from Ronda.

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It could have come on the train by courier……..

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…..or by other means…….

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……or by snail mail. 3 months ? It should be leaving the hospital about now !

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Or, just maybe, the letter was incorrectly mailed…….

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…….or it had to go through hospital security first.

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Maybe the letter was held up…….

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…..or a new mailman just started.

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It’s too late now. But where in the world…….

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…..did it end up ? As junk male ?

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On cloud 9 perhaps ?…….

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……or on top of the world ?

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……or maybe here.

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The hospital doesn’t email me ! So……

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……I am on the look out for the next letter……

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……but in reality it will be a couple of months before I am sent another.

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(All these pictures were found on Google Search and are definitely not mine and never will be.)

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Have you had something happen to you that you were not aware of at the time ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Work It Out For Yourself

Multiple Red Layered Stage Theater Drape Background

~Work it out for yourself~

A very, very short original wordplay play on words play

by

~Ralph the Barred Bard~

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HUSBAND: Hello Goodbye. I’m home !

WIFE: Oh ! There you are Hello !

Sorry I’m late Goodbye. I was held up by Traffic !

Traffic ? I thought he was doing Time ?

No, Time kicked him out, so he went back to being Him again.

Not Him again ! That balaclava of his is so well known around Here.

Yes I know. I wish Here would stop wearing it as a boob tube. He stole from Me you know !

Oh no ! Is Me okay ? What did he take ?

Yes, he’s okay, just Shocked.

No way ! He loved that dog ! Shocked is such a sweetie ! I love Him.

Him ! HIM !! I knew it ! He is always in Here as soon as I go out !

I’m sorry Hello. Here and I both love Him to bits.

God ! I need Time to think about this Goodbye.

You are the puritan, aren’t you ? Got to get to work on Time every morning and now you need Time to think ! You don’t talk to Me any more !

He’ll get around it. When Traffic held Me up in a fireman’s lift it scared Him to death.

Him is dead ? I must go and see Him ! OMG. Why am I Here ? Okay. Okay !! Here and I are the same person. When I am Here I wear a pink wig.

I thought it was about Time to own up.

It’s Time you found out Hello ! I wear a blue wig when it’s Time to say goodbye to Goodbye and become your spare Time. Do you want your Tea now ?

Tea ? Ummm ……. can we change the subject ? Let’s go out and eat !

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Curtains close

~(Applause)~

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Did you enjoy This ?

(Ooops. This is another story !)

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Ralph xox <3

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Party. Two of # ?. I Need Supervision !

An OMG moment !

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WARNING

Spluttering coffee on your keyboard is inevitable if you read this, even if you are not drinking coffee !

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I woke up with a start ! Glanced at my alarm clock. Panic ! It’s eight o’clock ! I slept for four hours. A four hour siesta ! Got to move as the party starts in half an hour !

Launching myself out of bed, cats flying off the covers. It’s getting dark and so cold outside. That’s unusual ! I dressed. An added sweater and coat as it’s a rooftop party.

I was happy that I left my apartment not too late and that I was dressed up warmly. A brisk walk through the village laden with a bottle of wine and another of Cava (champagne).

That’s weird ! No old men sitting on the wall. I waved to the postman, watched the workmen in the road, villagers with bags of rolls from the baker’s. Nothing registered, except, what’s going on (?) as I banged at the party door. Locked ! No one about ! Many times I called up. Nothing !

The sun shone onto me between the houses.

An OMG moment !

It’s nine o’clock IN THE MORNING !

I was totally confused the whole way home. Is it Wednesday ? Have I missed the party as it might be Thursday morning ? Do I need supervision ? Parental guidance perhaps ? A woman keeping me on a lead ? Heck !

For heaven’s sake don’t tell Bill & Max that I was kicking their door in at 9am, the morning of the party !

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 The Party

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Location

Up on the roof of Bill & Max’s house in southern Spain

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Friends indeed !

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Food ! What’s left of it !

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Music

We all sang this !

“Easy (like Sunday morning)” from Commodores by Lionel Richie. Released: 1977.

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And what the heck is this Hilda !

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Would you have come with me at 9am ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Party. One of # ?

Just over a week ago I was invited for drinks and tapas at Jim & Louise’s small cottage in the valley just outside of our village in Spain.

Please enjoy my fun captions.

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This was not a party animal on the BBQ

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There was light entertainment laid on

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Any larger, an air water bomber would have drenched us

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Well ! I was the only single man there !

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No ! We are not allowed one !

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I think the wine has just hit me !

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I love this party animal !

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I can make fire in my hand ! Look !

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I’ve had so much. The wine is flowing out my ear !

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I support my friends !

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DO NOT remove ! The super moon was last week !

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The Three Tenners !

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My only purpose in life is to still support my friends !

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There’s enough in these empties for another drink !

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Really ?

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Is that bacon I can smell ?

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What have I just sat on ?

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NO MORE selfies !

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I lied ! I didn’t delete this photo Hilda !

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I’ve recovered enough for another party Wednesday night ! Heck ! That’s tonight !

Oh, how I suffer. Life is so hard here in Spain, don’t you think ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Local Artist – James W Nitchen

Once my apartment was renovated I needed something to fill the blank walls throughout. I could have bought cheap prints anywhere, but I decided to support a local artist and friend here in Cortes de la Frontera, Andalucia, Spain…….

Jim

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I just love his work. The colour and fun.

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I bought 11 which are hung in most rooms. Soon after I bought them I had a housewarming party and two guests from the UK loved my “art gallery” and the following day bought two from Jim to take home with them. Brilliant !

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Here are some links where he is featured.

Home2Comfort

Molino del Santo

Amazon Books

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I really need a local one of these !  :D

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Credit acrylickco

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I try as much as I can to support local craftsmen, artists, tradesmen and stores.

Do you ? Or are you a struggling artist etc. ?

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Ralph xox <3

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PS. My About page has just been updated today

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A Name For Toni’s New Baby

Toni’s Request

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When Toni, my Spanish neighbour, had finished cleaning my apartment on Sunday, she asked me to ask you from all over the world if you can suggest a name for her new boy due to be born around Christmas.

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.

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She doesn’t want a Spanish name such as Carlos, Pedro, Domingo etc. but an unusual name. Her daughter’s name is Ariadne and her son’s name is Eidan just to give you an idea. If she picks one of your suggestions I will send you a little gift as a prize (not the baby boy !)

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Sir Ralph de Blog

is my suggestion !

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My ancestry

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It could have almost been >

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My Family Tree

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My Ancestors ?

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I just love my love houses.

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The ancestors were very inventive…….

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……….big smokers……..

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……. but failed at making necklaces for the court ladies.

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They invented dog power cars……..

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…….. and baby carriers for ice-skating

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They became high ranking in the Bicycle Corps……..

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…….. and also invented the wheelie !

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They became great mathematicians ……..

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…….. and invented word games.

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They also were complete failures at plastic surgery.

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My up-to-date successes and failures

I’m a success at police public relation work………

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……. designing new military wear…….

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…..and an expert in international military relations.

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I practiced hard on my new keyboard…….

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…….and PlayStation controller.

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I helped to invent the modern phone-box.

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Then I dabbled in fashion………

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……… but I never understood why they fired me !

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 I always wondered why I never went into music. I did here !

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Health and Safety was always on my mind. Especially for cyclists……..

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………and swimming pools………

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……..even signs.

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I believe in a happy family life…………

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……… education ………

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….. home management…….

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…….matrimonial guidance………

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……… or else !

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It’s time for me to do some housework………

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…….. followed by …………..

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……… No ! Eating cookies and having a coffee.

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(All these images {except of Toni} were found on Google Searches and are NOT mine; never are, never will be, never not no how are they mine. Got it ? Sure ? They are not MINE ! )

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Have you thought of an unusual name for Toni’s new baby boy ?

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Ralph xox <3

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A Sorta Girlfriend

Thank you Steve for this post headline. It is so apt !

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Here is your comment reply.

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I am not too sure whether to tell you about my online dating disaster. I feel the only way is to write this post with part of an email which I sent to a friend this morning. A teaser perhaps ! And to read in these comments what you have to say my friends.

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Tammy

Tammy

Hi Karen,

Something happened to me a couple of days ago which brought me back to my own reality. I had been so drawn into Tammy’s world of problems and lies that I had forgotten my own life and how I normally am. If she sends me a copy of her passport or rings my doorbell I will believe her and apologise. Until then I have to forget her and move on with my life.

The story is. The other afternoon I was indoors with the A/C on as it was baking hot. I had a “feeling” that I must go out on the rear balcony 3 floors up, and look out. Down below me to the left behind some bushes I saw a blue shirt and a head and recognised Paco lying on the ground trying to move. He was out of sight of the path and the road. I called and asked if he was okay. He waved me to come down, which I did. Meeting Carlos in the street I told him what I saw and we both went and picked Paco up. His arms and face were torn to ribbons. He was on the path, had a heart problem and fell over the hedge into the bushes. We got him home. If I was not “told” to go out on the balcony to see him he would have probably been there all night and probably died.

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This is my real world of helping people, being kind and generous. Because Tammy has taken most of my money, my generosity will have to wait a while until I build up my funds again. In the past I have paid off most of a poor local family’s slate at the local shop and many other similar acts. I have to get back to being myself. This is why I have deleted Yahoo Messenger totally from my laptop as Tammy’s world is not mine and I don’t want to be constantly reminded that in helping a woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, it became a disaster for me.

Wow ! Sorry to read of your health problems. I hope you are feeling a little better this morning. Sorry I cut Yahoo Messenger so quickly, but I had to do it. It’s going to be another hot day, but I will be doing some shopping for the weekend in a couple of hours time.

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I have used up a lot of love and emotions over the last 3 months or so. Also a lot of money (which I am not too worried about as that can be replaced over time). Love and emotions cannot be replaced. I am still not sure whether I was involved with an incompetent business woman or a Nigerian criminal group, but I believe it to be the latter.

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Even though it’s going to hurt, do you want to read the highlights of my story in a later post ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Ralph’s School Of Motoring. Underground Parking !

Before the Gaucin feria began, the young family and I had a meal in a local bar.

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

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Eidan and Ariadne volunteered to enrol on Ralph’s School of Motoring underground parking course for juniors.

I was sorry to turn this girl away as she couldn’t walk yet.

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I had to check that the two children were fit enough for the stringent course before them.

Eidan practiced levitation………..

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….. while Ariadne worked on just breathing.

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They were ready for the class to begin. Cars were supplied and the children were eager to get going.

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On entering the underground car park, drive around looking for a vacant parking space.

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Crash into a wall …….

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…….. or two !

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Side-swipe a few cars !

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Reverse into other cars with vigour !

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Then park your car as close as you can to the next car so that the driver cannot get out !

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 Congratulations Eidan and Ariadne. You have passed the course !

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Have a cup cake !

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You are now only a few courses and years away from driving like this on the Costa del Sol, Spain, for real !

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I do run advanced courses for older children ……..

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…….. and adults.

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(Some of these pictures were found on a Google Search and are not mine thank heavens !)

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So are you going to sign up for one of my courses ?

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Ralph xox <3

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That was my 200th post. Yay !

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Gaucin Feria. Stories By Cropping Photographs

 Gaucin Feria

On Thursday evening the young family downstairs took me to the opening of the feria (an annual community party) in Gaucin, Anadalucia, Spain. Pedro snapped these photos with my ancient digital camera with which Mona Lisa captured her famous selfie.

“To my eternal love Ralphie. Hugs & kisses. Mona baby <3

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(This was found on a Google search and is not mine. The rest of these photos are mine and will be found on a Google search in the future. Go public Go !! )

Pedro was afraid to ask for frontal poses so most of these photos are rear views. I edited these photos with an ancient editor which came with the camera. I want to show you how cropping a photo can change or create a completely different atmosphere. I am no expert ……….. so sue me anyway !

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Original

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Obvious crop

“How in heaven’s name did she manage to shovel herself into that skirt ?”

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But there is a second story going on in the top left of the original

The man in blue is protecting himself from the man in the red dress. It’s true !!

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Original

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Cropping emphasises the story

” I got an itch ! “

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Original

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Lots of people, but there are two stories here

Look at the girl’s face above the bowed boy !

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and

This young child is so highlighted !

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Original

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“He just goosed me ! “

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Original

Not a bad photo !

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Boring portrait

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 Mystical couple.

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Is Ralphie going to proposition her or has she just dumped him ?

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Cropped Photographs

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Toni (notice bump) and Ralph. A girl that Toni knows came up to her and asked if I was Toni’s dad. Nearly as bad as the comment made when I announced that Toni was pregnant. “Am I the dad ?” she asked. Oh boy  !

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The girl in green will be quite a domineering wife for someone in the future !

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“Hey Nikon lady ! They’re behind you ! “

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What has the boy done ?

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Finally Animated Fun

Original

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Dancing Queen !

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Did you learn a lot ?

I will be testing you later, but not about cropping photos  ;)

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Ralph xox <3

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