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When Dorothy Became Darthy !

On my travels through Google Search I came across this gem and decided to go with it and see where it leads us.

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Let’s follow Dorothy and Toto along the red brick road ……..

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…….. and see what happens. Sing-a-long with me……”Follow the red brick road…..”

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As she stepped onto the red brick road …..

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(Warning: 10 more poofs to go !)

……Dorothy changed into Sexy Dorothy ………

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……. and

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Toto was also transformed. In a flush !

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 The little boggie doggie was left at the start of the red brick road as Dorothy couldn’t carry it.

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Sexy Dorothy recalled how she got to this point. She was playing Twister…..

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…… with her cat Nono.

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When !

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Somewhere over a rainbow ……

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……she had a bad shoe day …….

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…… as everyone was wearing them. Even men!

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An upset Sexy Dorothy skipped round the red brick road, making the day of all her knee high little men who were looking up, open-eyed and happy. Then she skipped along the red brick road out into the wide, wide world of Ooze.

(Meanwhile Dorothy and Toto poofed back into their original form and continued their journey along the yellow brick road of Oz)

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 Sexy Dorothy skipped past the road painter who also had red shoes. Really !

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SOTP = Stupidity Of The Painter

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She met some very strange men on the way. Very strange !

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A Lion was just two-dimensional and wouldn’t move. He rubbed off on her.

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A Scarecrow wanted to get warm, but ended up as hot stuff and ashen faced.

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And finally a Tin Man who found a can of WD-40 which he used to polish himself most vigorously !

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So Sexy Dorothy was alone again. Skipping to who knows where ….

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…. (with great difficulty I may add !) …..

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….. constantly meeting strange beings on the red brick road.

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It was getting late as she skippedly arrived at a crossroads.

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Selecting “F” was a big mistake …..

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….. as the road was a dead end.

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She tried the “U”, but that was just as bad !

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“FU no way” she rebounded skippedly.

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So on she went, following the red brick road !

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Sexy Dorothy suddenly found herself locked up in a hideous castle.

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Guarded by hideous creatures ….

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There was no hideous way out !

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Suddenly !

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” You may have a trial wish for 28 days. If you do not return the wish within 28 days you will be charged $2000pm. Whatever you are thinking about Sexy Dorothy will be your trial wish !”

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“Oh no !” thought Sexy Dorothy skippedly,  “you can have your wish back !”

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(Yes, I know ! Too many poofs !)

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It was like her time of the month, menopause, hormones and everyone wearing the same red shoes as her, all kicked in at once !

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Sexy Dorothy ……..

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…….became …….

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Darthy !

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The battle that took place has been censored !

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The good, the bad and the ugly guys were defeated. The hideous ones escaped !

Darthy also escaped by sliding down the drainpipe ……

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….. and strutted back to the red brick road.

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The pretty ice cream van had no chance….

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…… nor did this man with the umbrella…..

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…… as Darthy was in her element…..

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….. strutting the red brick road.

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Darthy stopped. Then panicked struttingly !

“Two rich men. I can’t let them see me like this !”

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Darthy went ……

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One rich man filled Sexy Dorothy’s  basket with gold, diamonds and money while the other told her to click her knees together.

They liked to watch her do that !

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Sexy Dorothy skippedly found herself back in her apartment playing Twister with all her new friends that found out she had money.

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~ THE END ~

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UPDATE

Two weeks after the original Dorothy arrived back in Kansas a twister blew her house from Kansas to Oklahoma where she now lives.

Toto was blown to Texas and is now a retired rat catcher. He’s a very, very, very old dog !

Darthy works for the US government as a tax collector.

Sexy Dorothy married rainbow man and plays Twister only at weekends.

Tin Man still has a smile on his face.

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What would your poof or wish be ?

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It’s way past my bed time. Good night !

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Ralph xox <3

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(None of these images are mine as they were found on a Google Search and no poofs were harmed in the drafting of this post)

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Halloween Is Coming !

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Halloween

is time for

Witch swatting !

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Oh yes ! No matter how beautiful you are…….

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……. I am going to swat you !

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There is no escape.

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No matter what you say or do …….

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…… there is nowhere to fly !

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Exceptions are >>>

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Umm ! I’m undecided about him ……

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….. and him !

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So with the help of Christ ……..

……. you will have no chance.

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I have my witch swatting powers …….

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……. witch which I will use to  make you reconsider your profession !

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Oh no !

I just saw this !

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I have black and tabby cats !

Does that make me a Wizard ? Do I have to swat myself ?

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Or am I  a witch doctor ? No way !

I bet you will be singing this song all day !

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Do you want me to swat you? Gently !

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Ralph xox <3

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(All these images are not mine and were found on a Google Search. Now that’s magic !)

No witches, wizards and cute little kittens were harmed or shot down in the drafting of this post.

SWOON (Swatting Witches Out Of Nonsense)

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The Eyes Have It !

To be serious for a second.

My heart goes out to the nurse suffering from Ebola in Madrid due to the stupidity of bringing an Ebola patient to Spain from West Africa. What upset me though is the extra distress given to her by the Spanish authorities killing her pet dog and not quarantining the animal. There is a massive outcry over these two recent events and so there should be !

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Get well soon girl !

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And now to the post !

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The good news is my Scintillating Scotoma vanished about 3 months ago.

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But the bad news is that it has been replaced by floaters (which are shadows) …….

………. and flashes (lightning streaks in the peripheral vision).

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The doctors explain it this way ………

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BUT I don’t believe it ! I think it’s the onset of my Super Powers !

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As my eyes keep changing I wonder what will happen next !

My eyes may start glowing like Ra ………

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…… in Stargate SG1 …….

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……. glowing like these cats.

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Maybe I’ll develop laser eyes.

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“World domination is MINE after I’ve had a sleep, eaten my fish, then another sleep. It’s so tiring being a dictator.”

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I could be blessed with x-ray vision …….

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…….. and the ability to see into the future.

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“I promise no more kicking Mom  ! I’ll text you at 3am instead !”

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The future is so predictable.

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Yes. Three…… umm ……. one bus will come at the same time !

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We will all have thousands of these in the bank !

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Rice paddy field mechanization.

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Home flight simulator.

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“Xbox one, PlayStation one, back stitch …..”

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Car with popsicle maker !

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I could do with a drink !

“But I want a lager shandy with a lemon slice !”

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Some more good news is that I have an appointment to see my Neurologist in Ronda, Spain in a month’s time.

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(None of these images are mine. They were all found on a Google Search.)

Oh well ! Back to searching on Google for my next post ! The things us male bloggers have to suffer for in drafting our posts !

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Have you got your eye on me ?

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Ralph xox <3

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gold blog

WendyWendy triggered the idea for this post in her fiction story.

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Some of you may remember the post of mine when I had some blogging shirts made up for my holiday in Israel.

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While in the hotel room bathroom I noticed something unusual.

No ! I wasn’t taking selfies or having my own personal wet t-shirt competition !

The word “blog” ……….

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…… changed to “gold” in the mirror.

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It did !

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Try it yourself !

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What I would like to do is to give you all a gold present.

“Give it to me Ralph ! I want it NOW !”

Not this……….

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…… or this ! …….

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……or even this !

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“Shucks Ralph ! I’m pressing Like and I’m gone !”

So there’s no chance of you being a gold digger

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And I didn’t go prospecting for it !

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I won’t be giving you one of these little fellows ……..

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“Oooh !”

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……. and definitely not one of these guys ……..

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“Why not ?”

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……. or gal ……

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I didn’t find the gold present at the end of a rainbow

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“For heaven’s sake Ralph ! What is it ?”

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I’m not giving you this ……. well, it could be if you are nice to me ;)

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“Yes please Ralph !”

It’s definitely not clothes …….

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……. or something I cooked up ! (They are actually Christmas tree baubles ! Not on the woman with the goldfish !)…….

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…… and I definitely didn’t rob the tooth fairy !

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“So what is it Raaaaalph ?”

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“I HEAR YOU !”

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Well, you know I don’t accept awards …….. except maybe a real one like this !

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….. and my gold present to you is NOT an award. It is a gift from me to you. Our secret. It’s for your sidebar as you and your blogs are so special to me. Take it with my love. <3

Right click on the gif/Save image as …

and place it in an “Image” widget on your sidebar like you normally do.

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or take this plain one.

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“Is that it ? No ring ? No gold bar? I’m outta here !”

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I don’t suppose there is any reader left to read this ! Maybe just you in your dressing gown munching cereals out of its box or another you totally bored out of your mind at work.

Is there anybody there ?

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Ralph xox <3

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(All the images on this post were found on Google Search except for my presents and that “hunky” man wearing the t-shirt (that’s me ! No stand-in) at the top of this post)

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This Is Weighing On My Mind

Yesterday, my neighbour Toni went to Ronda hospital, Spain, to have a regular check-up of herself and the baby boy within her.

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(While there, she had a word with reception to find out why my Neurologist had not made a recent appointment for me. Last night Toni gave me a paper with a date and time on it for mid November.  So my pretty young Neurologist IS still talking to me after I missed visiting her in July !)

Toni also told me that everything is great with her and the baby. The boy is now weighing 1 kilogram. 2 months to go !

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After Toni left my apartment I had a sudden thought ! How in the dickens do they know the weight of the baby ? I mean, a lot of things are easy to weigh ……..

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…….. unless you are a blonde then things become difficult such as a maze ……..

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…… or a kilo of sugar that weighs 144g …..

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To weigh a giraffe is easy. Man holds giraffe ……..

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……. stands on scales ……

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……. which don’t lie ……

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…… and do not stand on it like this …..

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……. or this ……

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……. or this …..

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Man asks giraffe to read the weight as the man can’t see the scales ……

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The giraffe climbs off the man. Records the weight of the man and subtracts that weight from the man plus the giraffe so obtaining the weight of the giraffe. What a clever giraffe !” says the horse …….

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……. and the dog !

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My problem is that Toni’s baby is in an almost sealed container. How does one weigh an item in an almost sealed container ?

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The doctors don’t know her true weight as she is getting heavier. Her breasts are growing, laden with milkshakes.

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There are optional extras in with the baby such as fluids and the cord, etc.

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I reckon that the Spanish doctors are miners. They use specialist equipment ……

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…….. lower themselves  down gently …….

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……. scramble along the passage …….

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……. open the door …….

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……. and with the scales they brought with them they go in and weigh the baby !

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Easy, isn’t it ! One kilogram exactly !

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Or maybe I should just ask Toni. What do you think ?

I must get a life !

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Ralph xox <3

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(Except for Toni’s picture at the top, the rest were found on Google Search and are not my images)

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I’m Fridge~id !

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I’m afraid so ! I know I’m dangerous in the kitchen but I have to eat during the day !

Now what’s in the fridge ?

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Nothing in the freezer ! See what else I’ve got !

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What do you suggest I have to eat ?

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What do you think cat ?

Eat me fish ! PLEASE !

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Maybe I could make a jelly ! But my hands are so bad !

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And to think I’ve got a problem ! There’s always someone worse than me !

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I give up in the kitchen !  I think I’ll sit down ……..

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……….and watch someone else make breakfast.

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That was fun ! I decided on a cheese and tomato sandwich for lunch. That’s safe. No cutting required.

I asked Toni (my Spanish neighbour who cooks my evening meal every night) to cut everything for me.

This is what she prepared tonight. Every night it’s something different !

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Maybe I’ll buy some grapes for tomorrow

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How would you organise my fridge…..and my lack of culinary expertise ?

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Ralph xox <3

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(The fridge and evening meal pictures are mine. The rest were found on a Google Search and are not mine)

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The Letter

The Letter

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 During the last visit to my pretty young Neurologist in Ronda hospital, Andalucia, Spain in May, I asked her to not make an appointment for me during the month of July as I would be on holiday in Israel. Guess what ? I have just found out that an appointment was made for me at the end of July, but I never received the letter stating the date, time and room number.

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So what happened to the letter ?

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Maybe my Neurologist is testing my psychic ability by not sending the letter.

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Oh well ! I can dream !

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Ronda……

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…..is only 20 miles (30k)…….

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…..from my home near Cortes de la Frontera.

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I live in the town’s railway station village. The letter could have come by train…..

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…….and had a scenic 40 minute rail ride from Ronda.

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It could have come on the train by courier……..

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…..or by other means…….

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……or by snail mail. 3 months ? It should be leaving the hospital about now !

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Or, just maybe, the letter was incorrectly mailed…….

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…….or it had to go through hospital security first.

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Maybe the letter was held up…….

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…..or a new mailman just started.

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It’s too late now. But where in the world…….

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…..did it end up ? As junk male ?

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On cloud 9 perhaps ?…….

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……or on top of the world ?

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……or maybe here.

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The hospital doesn’t email me ! So……

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……I am on the look out for the next letter……

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……but in reality it will be a couple of months before I am sent another.

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(All these pictures were found on Google Search and are definitely not mine and never will be.)

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Have you had something happen to you that you were not aware of at the time ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Work It Out For Yourself

Multiple Red Layered Stage Theater Drape Background

~Work it out for yourself~

A very, very short original wordplay play on words play

by

~Ralph the Barred Bard~

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HUSBAND: Hello Goodbye. I’m home !

WIFE: Oh ! There you are Hello !

Sorry I’m late Goodbye. I was held up by Traffic !

Traffic ? I thought he was doing Time ?

No, Time kicked him out, so he went back to being Him again.

Not Him again ! That balaclava of his is so well known around Here.

Yes I know. I wish Here would stop wearing it as a boob tube. He stole from Me you know !

Oh no ! Is Me okay ? What did he take ?

Yes, he’s okay, just Shocked.

No way ! He loved that dog ! Shocked is such a sweetie ! I love Him.

Him ! HIM !! I knew it ! He is always in Here as soon as I go out !

I’m sorry Hello. Here and I both love Him to bits.

God ! I need Time to think about this Goodbye.

You are the puritan, aren’t you ? Got to get to work on Time every morning and now you need Time to think ! You don’t talk to Me any more !

He’ll get around it. When Traffic held Me up in a fireman’s lift it scared Him to death.

Him is dead ? I must go and see Him ! OMG. Why am I Here ? Okay. Okay !! Here and I are the same person. When I am Here I wear a pink wig.

I thought it was about Time to own up.

It’s Time you found out Hello ! I wear a blue wig when it’s Time to say goodbye to Goodbye and become your spare Time. Do you want your Tea now ?

Tea ? Ummm ……. can we change the subject ? Let’s go out and eat !

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Curtains close

~(Applause)~

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Did you enjoy This ?

(Ooops. This is another story !)

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Ralph xox <3

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Party. Two of # ?. I Need Supervision !

An OMG moment !

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WARNING

Spluttering coffee on your keyboard is inevitable if you read this, even if you are not drinking coffee !

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I woke up with a start ! Glanced at my alarm clock. Panic ! It’s eight o’clock ! I slept for four hours. A four hour siesta ! Got to move as the party starts in half an hour !

Launching myself out of bed, cats flying off the covers. It’s getting dark and so cold outside. That’s unusual ! I dressed. An added sweater and coat as it’s a rooftop party.

I was happy that I left my apartment not too late and that I was dressed up warmly. A brisk walk through the village laden with a bottle of wine and another of Cava (champagne).

That’s weird ! No old men sitting on the wall. I waved to the postman, watched the workmen in the road, villagers with bags of rolls from the baker’s. Nothing registered, except, what’s going on (?) as I banged at the party door. Locked ! No one about ! Many times I called up. Nothing !

The sun shone onto me between the houses.

An OMG moment !

It’s nine o’clock IN THE MORNING !

I was totally confused the whole way home. Is it Wednesday ? Have I missed the party as it might be Thursday morning ? Do I need supervision ? Parental guidance perhaps ? A woman keeping me on a lead ? Heck !

For heaven’s sake don’t tell Bill & Max that I was kicking their door in at 9am, the morning of the party !

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 The Party

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Location

Up on the roof of Bill & Max’s house in southern Spain

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Friends indeed !

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Food ! What’s left of it !

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Music

We all sang this !

“Easy (like Sunday morning)” from Commodores by Lionel Richie. Released: 1977.

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And what the heck is this Hilda !

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Would you have come with me at 9am ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Annette Rochelle Aben

~ Communicator, WordSmith, Artist, Guide, Mentor, Muse ~

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