post

Come On Baby Light My Fire

THIS IS A CAT FREE POST

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Yes, you are, Sonic !  Please stop ripping up my dressing gowns and get out of my wardrobe !

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Last Tuesday I was invited by my Spanish neighbours to a street party to celebrate San Juan Day. 

As I haven’t a clue what it was about I have asked a couple of guests to explain what was going on.

Over to you.

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I just love our names,  Hay Rick and Hay Feeva.  

When we hit the sack I cuddle up to her,  “Hay baby ?”. 

She tumbleweeds over,  “Not tonight,  I’ve got a bale of a headache”. 

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Anyway,  back to the street party.

Yay !   A barbie !

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The idea of a barbie is to blow the brains out of it  …….

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….. then use the glowing charcoal to turn the food into charcoal.

It’s a man thing !

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The guests arrive for the street party.

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Remember baby Liam ?

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Remember Ralph ?

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Neighbours from three different homes.

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Remember to buy a lottery ticket.

Although deaf and dumb,  day and night the vendor sells lottery tickets for his charity “ONCE”

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 While the men are setting fire to the countryside the women are working out what each person must pay for the food and drink.

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Food,  such as this.

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This woman is easily buttered up,  well bread and uses her loaf.

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Liam,  at  6 months,  is now learning to drink beer like the man he is.

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After eating and drinking,  time for some photies.

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(click for the big picture)

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At midnight everyone goes down to the river to splash water on their faces.  Don’t ask !

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(click for the big picture)

(click for the big picture)

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When everyone was nice and clean for this year they all returned for the finale of the night.  Us !   Yes, us, the Hays !

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A couple of minutes later.

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I would like to thank both the Hay family (for not explaining what San Juan Day was all about) and the neighbours around me who organised the street party.

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Have you played on a hayrick ?

I have.  Don’t ask !  :D

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Ralph xox <3

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post

Turkey Stalls

The other day a few non-Spanish (English etc.) ladies laid on stalls in my local Spanish village.   Well, they didn’t actually lie down on their stalls,  but sold unwanted items from their homes on the stalls.  You know what I mean.

I decided to walk around the outskirts of the  Spanish village to reach the event. 

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Walking up a narrow path I saw a turkey sitting on a wall.

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“Hello Ralph.”

“Oh wow !  You’re a turkey and you spoke to me.  That’s really great.”

“Yes.  If you kiss me I will change into a beautiful Princess and I will do anything for you.  I mean anything !”

“Umm”

She flew down into my arms.

“You may kiss me now.”

Cradled in my arms,  I looked into her eyes and continued walking up the narrow path.

“Why don’t you kiss me ?   I promise to turn into a beautiful Princess and I will do anything you wish.”

Stroking her feathers, I replied,

“At my age I would rather have a talking turkey.”  :D

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“I’m never going to talk to you again Ralph”

With that she wriggled free and flew back to the top of the wall and never spoke to me again.

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The moral of this story is:

Don’t let an opportunity slip through your fingers as it may turn out to be a right royal turkey after all.

Or

A turkey in the hand is worth a Princess at a push.

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I walked on,  across the rail line,  along a dusty road track,  through the railway station …….

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….. and arrived at the stalls across the road from La Parra Bar.

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Walking in the middle of the road is a favourite pastime in my Spanish village. The first word a child learns is “COCHE !” (car !).  I reckon all the kids here think their mum is called Coche. Something to do with the back seat I suppose.

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Tired of rummaging through the stalls I sat drinking coffee,  watching the train pass and catching up with all the local news and gossip.

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I passed Her Royal Turkeyness on the way home.  Not a cheep, gobble or grumble from her.

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I did buy a few things from off the stalls though.

An orange squeezer ……

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…… and this lovely cover for the settee. 

But no Princess to drape herself seductively on it.

Any volunteers ?  (NO turkeys please !)

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” I want two volunteers !  Samantha !  Sonic !  You are both volunteering for draping on the settee duties. “

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Are you magic ?  If so, who are you really ?

Okay.  Okay.  One of you is the wicked witch who is turning me into a …… ?

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Ralph xox <3

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post

Slippery Customer

A simple morning’s local shopping in Daddy’s Spanish village.

My name’s Sonic, Daddy’s boy cat, and this is my story.

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A 20 minute round trip and Daddy returns home.

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So back to his apartment Daddy comes.

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Daddy arrives home laden down with cat food.

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Good or bad,  Daddy unconditionally loves us all.  We love him too.

Love Sonic xxx <3

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Talking of money, I bought a birthday gift for a friend on Amazingzon which should have been easy as I had an account with the online store.  Hah !  They would not accept my credit card.  Oh boy !

I tried a few times then realised I had a new credit card from my bank, so I changed the details and it still didn’t go through.  So I called the phone number on the back of the Spanish credit card.

If you speak English ….. press 2

If you have a credit card problem  ….. press 4

*music*

If you need an operator ….. press 16

*music*

All our operators are busy ……press 120

*music*

Do you wish to speak to an Indian lady from Mumbai …… press 305

*music*

If you are still there …… press 1432

suddenly

Hello. This is the Hot Chick line.  Con-u-out-of-your-money speakin…

I must have pressed the wrong digits.  Honest !  So I try again.  Eventually I got through.

How may I help. This is Abhilaasha speaking.

My card doesn’t work online and it has been activated.

For your security I must ask you these questions.

How old was your father on his 60th birthday ?

Umm ….. 30 ?

Correct !  When is your birthday ?

Why ?  Are you going to send me a card ?

Correct !  Your card was activated for use in a cash-point and in stores , but not for online use.

WHAT ?

How much do you wish to spend online ?

Enough for a present and to renew my WP account.

Your card is now activated for online use.

Thank you.  Bye !

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And it worked !  I bought the present from Amazingzon. 

All this hoohaa reminded me to update my credit card details with WP.  If I lose my WP premium theme and domain name at the end of this month, you know where I will be …..

Phoning flippin’ India !

And I’m not buying a new pair of slippers online.  Just in case.  :D

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Do you like pretty paper ?

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Ralph xox <3

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post

OOTD : All Day Outfit

I have to stay quiet while typing this post.  The cats are asleep …….

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…… and I don’t want to be disturbed as I want this to be a serious post.

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The other week Julia ……

Julia

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…. conned asked me nicely to do an Outfit Of The Day (OOTD) post.

So here we go.

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<3 Hello my lubblies <3

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I would like to show you my All Day Outfit.

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The idea is to wear office and leisure clothes at the same time.

Here I am ready to go to the office.

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The jacket is 40+ years old.  Made by Kinglynne.   It has been with me to work in many countries around the world and is still smart and fits me well.

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The shirt on the other hand was bought for €5 about 4 years ago at a local Spanish street market. It was so good I bought 10;  5 long sleeve and 5 short, all different.  Made by AVSNA.

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After a hard day’s work playing games on the office computer, remove the jacket and by wearing shorts I would be in instant leisure mode.  Made by A.B.C. 

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In reality I am retired and maybe I need new clothes.  I am not mean and my clothes are generally in good condition.  So…..

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…… I would love a woman to come with me to help buy new clothes, but I am worried about that for many reasons :

1)   She might want me to buy a shell suit with a hoodie.  Then I’ll be arrested.  ……

2)   ….. or she might buy me the modern street type of trousers where the waistband is worn below the knees exposing my superhero orange day-glo underwear with flashing Christmas lights.

3)  She might “borrow” my credit card and disappear into a wine bar for the day.

4)  She may require me to have a tattoo, with words such as I love (insert name here).  I don’t want a tattoo with “I love insert name here” all over my back !

5)  What would you say in #5 so as to give me a panic attack ?

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I know most women detest shoe & clothes shopping.  I would hate to have to drag her screaming around countless shops all day when she would be really happy at home changing diapers or waging war on her teenage son whose eyeballs are superglued to his smartphone and hands twitching on a game controller.  I just know she would hate to leave her teenage daughter who is constantly soaking her bed with tears after dumping the 7th boyfriend this week and it’s only Tuesday !

Then, of course, there is the more mature lady who has been there, seen it, read the book and slept through the film.  I could probably bribe her with a meal and bottle of wine after she has watched her favourite daytime soap on TV.

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Thank heavens I have got through this post without interference by my cats and they’ re still asleep.  Amazing !

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Would you go shopping with me and what would you buy for me ?

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Ralph xox <3

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post

The Magnificent Seven. Post 2 of 2

Just to bring any new readers up to speed,  Sonic & Samantha are Ralph’s two cats in Spain and they talk too much. 

This post contains the last 3 set of photos from movies that I might have starred in.  Tickets please !

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Oh no !  Not again !

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I totally agree with you Samantha.  Sonic is so bossy.

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Sci-fi.  Yellow alien gets blown away by our hero !

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Ouch !

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6.

Dancing from scratch !

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What !

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:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

Resa

Resa

:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

If I do it, I’ll need a fitting……and NO pins Resa !

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Thanks a lot.  NOT pretty enough, eh,  Sonic ?

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7.

Wild cat in a hat.

Performed by Cheetah Lott,  megastar Ralph’s stuntman and stand in.

:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

Click for the big picture

Give Cheetah Lott a tummy rub for the big picture

Yoou don't have to click for the big picture in case you get too excited and come here banging on my door !

Stroke Cheetah Lott for the big picture.

:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

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Thanks again Toni for taking the movie stills.

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Did you love me & the movie stills ?

Okay !  You only love Cheetah Lott,  the hats and the cats.  No change there then  :D

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Ralph xox <3 :star:

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No yellow alien was harmed in the making of this post.

post

The Magnificent Seven. Post 1 of 2

These 2 posts are inspired by Drake …..

Drake

….. who made this comment in my last post.

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Last week Toni, my neighbour, came up to my apartment to take photographs of me for an OOTD (Outfit Of The Day) post, but it never quite happened as we thought because we ……

…… HAD FUN !

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I wear many hats.  Not that I can do different things. It’s just that I wear many hats.

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Toni and I decided to take stills of Ralph’s Greatest movies ever that I’m bound to star in.  :star:

Here goes.  The first 4 movies of 7.

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Hint:   Sci-fi.  What ?  No stars in the sky ?

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2.

Hint:   “You are a dead man, Shames Pond”

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Hint:   Stalking you is my speciality. I can see what you are NOT wearing.

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4.

Hint:  Desirable desert dame for dessert.

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:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

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I know you want to click this photo for the big photo fellas

I know you want to click this photo for the big picture Guys. And Ladies this is how an OOTD should be done. lol

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:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:

So you want me on the red carpet. (Well you’ll have to wine and dine me first ! )

Mind you, this is nothing compared to next week’s movie #7 !

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Thanks Toni for taking these photographs.

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Can you put titles to these movies in your usual wacky, weird way ?

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Ralph xox <3  :star:

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Next week.  Same time.  Same place.  New shocking movie stills.  Free popcorn.

post

Dream Party

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Ralph & Ralph. Yes. there are two of us in the village !

Ralph & Ralph. Yes. there are two of us in the village !

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Jenny (left) & Einar (right) invited me to their 6th wedding anniversary party at La Parra Bar, Canada del Real Tesoro, Andalucia, Spain. Thanks friends !

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Margaret says, “The wine goes in here, not all over the table.”

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Linda saying, “Where’s my wine gone !”

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~ BLAST OFF ! ~

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Augustina, Ralph & Jolie. December 2012. And, oh, they are both married. Shame really !

Augustina, Ralph & Jolie. December 2012. And, oh, they are both married. Shame really. For me !

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(Click for a really BIG Ralph)

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Do you dream about me ?

If so, see your doctor ;)

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Ralph xox <3

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post

Ploughfit Of The Day

I would like to dedicate this fun fashion post to my friend in Germany ……..

julia

Julia

….. as she wrote this comment in a previous post …..

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…… which made me think.  (I do sometimes ;) )

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I asked her how this would work and I am waiting for her reply.

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OOTD ?  Heck !  Panic !  What do I wear ?  Where do I go ?  Do I need a catwalk ?

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Okay.  No catwalk !  And you cats have torn most of my clothes to shreds.  I must think !

I need practice and ideas before posting with Julia.

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I went outside into the sun taking my perplexion with me.

There I leant over the rear balcony wall and looking to the left was startled to see an, unknown to me, young woman ploughing a field.

I could practice a fashion post about her !

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Ploughfit Of The Day

Hello bubbly lubblies <3

Welcome to my first fashion post from the mountains of Andalucia, southern Spain.

My guest today is Senorita Tilla Furrow who is so happy to share with you one of her outfits in her Spring collection.

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(click for the bigger picture)

Senorita Tilla Furrow strutting her stuff.

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TRAINERS by Nike Yikes

SKIN TIGHT PYJAMA BOTTOMS by PJs R US

T-SHIRT by Ceylon Tea

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Then looking to the right from my rear balcony I see more practice for my fashion post with Julia.

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Pre-moisturising Brush

Hello jubbly bubblies <3

This product is new to the Spanish valley market.  We have bestoke goat & sheep cheese and designer wines.  Added to these we now have a new pre-moisturising brush for cleaning out your dry personal water channels.

Makes you cry with happiness, doesn’t it ?

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(click for the bigger picture)

Demonstrating the product is Senora Sandy Sweep.

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You really need this pre-moisturising brush for your dry water channels.

Buy none, get as many as you want FREE !

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~ I think those practice posts went well, don’t you ? ~

Then. Yay !  Julia replied to my query.

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Spoil sport Sonic ! 

All I need now is an idea.  For instance, Victoria’s Ralph’s Secret. 

My finding a photographer also helps.

Thanks Julia.  We’ll do something in a few weeks if after reading this post you are still game !

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What do you guys/gals think ?

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Ralph xox <3

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This is my 250th post and you are still skimming reading my posts.  You & I must get a life ;)

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Sparkly Vultures

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(click for the larger picture)

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Photo taken from my rear balcony (click for the larger picture)

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Every brown "rock" is a vulture  under the olive tree about 300m from the front balcony of my apartment

Every brown “rock” is a vulture (40+) around and under the olive trees about 100m from the front balcony of my apartment

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Are you sparkly clean ?

If not, maybe you need help with the dish washing  ;)

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Ralph xox <3

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post

Head Banger

Most of you with laptops, desktop PCs & Windows have experienced this !

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2am.  I switched off my laptop.  Oh no.  A Microsoft update !

1 of 18 !  10 minutes later 2 of 18 ! ……  Zzzz

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Morning !  I woke up (I do that sometimes).  Switched on my laptop.  Made a coffee.  Brought the cup back to the desk and …….

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…….Windows 7 wouldn’t load.  Seized !

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After 1/2 hour of troubleshooting and retrying I had a “Yay!” moment, I was in ! 

Then I opened my Outlook to see what emails came in overnight.  No Internet !

So down I went, under my desk.  Cutting power to the gizmos, wiggling cables …….

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….. nothing !   No change !   Then I banged my head getting up !

CLUNK !

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  I didn’t do what this guy did.   Shoot the laptop !

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Click for full story

And it wasn’t a bird on my antenna.

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One last thing to try.  System Restore.  Yay, I am online ! 

Bye, bye Microsoft update.

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I helped Toni, my neighbour, who was cleaning my apartment, to move the sofa to extract the countless cats’ toys which they had patted underneath. (Sorry about the cat moment then.)

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The ceiling light was ready to attack me !

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WHACK !

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“Got ‘im !” swung the light !

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BONK !

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“Heehee !” laughed the sofa.

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CLANG !

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It was at this point I gave up helping Toni.

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Well, Toni, who is knee high to a grasshopper, didn’t know what the fuss was all about !

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The final results:

Laptop & Internet 3  ………………. Ralph 0

Ceiling light 3 ………. Ralph 0

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Are you a sore loser ?

I was.   Well, my head was.

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Ralph xox <3

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