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Got You !

A prophetic letter from an imaginary Spanish hospital to Ralph

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Hah !

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Most esteemed stupid Ralph,

You really did think we were serious in trying to cure you. Hah ! No way Hosay ! We are having fun !

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We sent you home last Saturday with an arm full of drips and a bag full of tablets

PLUS the most horrendous blocked nose cold we could devise.

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We know you won’t mix-and-match cures, so suffer friend.

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This cold is created to worsen the other problem you will have……..

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…….. AND THAT WOULD BE ?  ……….

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……when you, on Sunday, take the first day of tablets we are overdosing you with. LOL.

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We are going to give you elephant’s feet. What fun !

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No, they’re not ! These are my feet !

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And once upon a time you thought that you had flying feet ! No more !

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The best is yet to come !

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On Monday morning, at precisely 0557am you will get out of bed to go for a pee, but you won’t make it ! Hahaha ! The circulation in your legs will go haywire. Your legs will collapse with severe tingling and you will fall back onto the bed. You will eventually stagger to the toilet.

You won’t be able to stand to pee as your legs will give out and we did want to see this !

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This is when you turn yourself into a woman. Sit my boy !

No. Not like this !

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For the rest of the day YOU WILL SUFFER. You can’t stand. You will sway ! You’ll be drunk without having a drink. Oh, you are so cheap to buy for ! 

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And the best bit is you will even take your second day of tablets thinking it’s part of the cure. LOL. What fun !

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Then you go and ruin it all !

Early Tuesday morning you will have an agonising stand to pee, but you will have to sit again. Oh, we did want to see this !

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What do you do ? You call in your neighbour Toni ! You ruin everything !

Yay for Toni !

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You ask Toni to phone the hospital doctor for instructions, but we make sure the Neurologist isn’t available and you will have to go and see the local GP doctor which will stress you as he normally sits tapping his keyboard all the time and tells you off for not having a visitor number.

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But, GOD-DAMMIT ! He is nice ! He takes your BP, fiddles with your ankle, tells Toni to reduce the strength and course of tablets and tells her that you must eat and drink more. You will leave him happily mumbling to himself,

“Lewis Sumner, eh, Lewis Sumner ! That’s different !”.

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Toni then really ruins our plan by buying and cutting bread rolls for you for breakfast. Leaves them outside your front door.

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You will make and eat your breakfast…….

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…….while your cats enjoy the Spanish morning sun just beside you.

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We know you like washing the dishes, but overdosing you will make it hard for you to stand……

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……. but, you will do it ! This is getting to be no fun now ! Unless ……

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Hahaha ! The GP doctor says for you to oil your legs 3 times a day and we know you are not a girl, but we are going to make you one. LOL

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We know you won’t want to slip in the bathroom ……

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……. or fall in the bath …….

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 …..but, knowing you, you will have fun oiling your legs and feet !

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In conclusion ……..

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…… we will see what else we have in store for you Ralph.

Yours, unhappily,

A Spanish hospital.

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Time I had a shower. Now that would be some post.

This post is the last medical one for a while. I want to have fun again !

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( I am sorry. Since I drafted this post I cannot promise, but I will try to answer all your comments and visit your new posts as I normally do. At the moment I am not normal. No change there then ! :D )

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Am I turning into a woman ?

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Ralph xox <3

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All the images with a date are mine. The rest have been Google Searched and are not mine.

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Drippidy Do Dah !

Serious stuff

Four days this week as an out patient at Ronda Hospital, Spain, hopefully on my way to be cured of Lewis Sumner.

Monday. Gloria the Neurologist said 2 hours on Thursday in the Drip ward.

Thursday. On the drip. Angela the Neurologist came in and extended the treatment through Friday into Saturday.

Drip department closed on Saturday so had to have the drip in  Emergency.

Sunday onwards this week a course of tablets

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This slideshow is for you who love medical things !

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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Fun Stuff

Saturday morning early. I made my coffee. Took it to my desk in the other room. Half way there my hands went crazy. Half a cup of hot coffee ended up on the floor and on my desk. What a mess, especially when the cats ran through it while I was getting the mop !

This was the last straw ! My coffee stays by the kettle and I drink it via the last straw !

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It was all arranged in Emergency so I was attended to straight away. No 4 hour wait thank heavens !

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Got to make the best of it and be happy !

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Ralph’s greatest sayings:

A hospital is a wonderful place to make new friends who then stick needles in you !

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Spanish yoga. A dripping siesta !

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Toni, my neighbour, with one month to go, is a godsend as she drove me the many miles to/from the hospital and did all the talking to the doctors and nurses. We had fun.

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The nurse on the left misunderstood my Como te llama ? (What’s your name?)  who answered Bien bien ! We laughed and she showed me her ID on her chest which was the wrong way round, just a white blank. So Maria was called by me Bien Bien Blanco !

Vera, a student nurse on the right, was Maria’s Siamese twin who followed Maria around the drip ward. Vera’s English is brilliant !

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Insert drippidy for zippidy.

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Did you faint ? Sorry, my charisma has that effect !

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Ralph xox <3

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My Friend Is Mud !

Many of you will remember my escapades in Israel in July.

Before I left Spain my local friend Hilda asked, begged, ordered me to bring back some Dead Sea mud for her beautification. How could I say no ?

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David & Hilda’s lovely home in Spain.

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Many months passed. David, her husband, wrote a few posts …..

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…… but nothing from Hilda concerning her mud treatment.

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THEN !

Last night and today my Inbox filled with emails and photos of of her beauty treatment.

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This is how Hilda normally looks with David and Manny (a teddy-bear blogger from California) …….

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……. and in her kitchen.

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Sit down, for this is what happened in her own words.

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Hi Ralph,

I have finally got to use the mud spa treatment that you kindly brought for me on your recent holiday, so i thought I’d share the experience with you as I suspect you may use it for your next blog !

Around 6 pm i set about the task. I read the instructions only to find that it was not to be used on your face. Recently however a friend of mine gave me a gift of a Estee lauder face treatment, so I decided I would use this for my face and the mud spa for my body.

I made sure that our bedroom was nice and warm, closed the shutters and having put the mask on my face opened the packet of mud. What a mess if only I’d known i would have gone and hid in the garden somewhere. I spread it all over ( I’ve deleted that photo that David took), and when I looked around the bathroom it was splattered everywhere. Our tiles are mosaic with white grouting.

To cut a long story short I left it on my body for 20 minutes and washed it off. The shower tray looked like the road in our village following the flood…silt !
I then consequently spent over and hour scrubbing. Towels are in the washing machine as is the shower curtain, face cloth.
My hands smell of bleach from scrubbing…was it worth it………well my skin does feel nice and soft I have to say.

I’m now going to pour myself a glass of wine and relax ! 2.5 hours later !!

I’m sure if you do a blog you can adapt my version of this. I’ll send the photo’s individually, there is three.

Hope all goes well tomorrow

Love
Hilda x

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Hi Ralph,

Well I am reminded of what happened last night !

On waking up this morning i find i have black underneath my finger nails, and there’s still mud debris in the white grouting in the bathroom. Lumps of mud also on the shiny chrome towel radiator, and the cream walls

Oh and to top it all, you know that we have no door to our en-suite, just an arch way leading through, well my nice crisp clean bed linen has mud splatters all over…another wash load !

Was it worth it ???????????

Think my day will be spent wearing rubber gloves, a bottle of bleach and scrubbing brush in hand. Oh and washing and ironing. Hope your day is better than mine !

Was it worth it !!!!!!!!!

Hope your appt went ok at the hospital

Love
Hilda x

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Ralph – I forgot to add that three bathrooms were used in the process !

Hilda x

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What would you do to get on my blog ?

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Ralph xox <3

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So funny ! Thank you Hilda for letting me use your story here <3

There are no Google Search pictures in this post. So sue me ! Which one of you is called Sue ?

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Strike Down The Band !

The other week I was attempting to give a damn …..

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…… and trying to find something to do ……..

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……. but found it too taxing. So when in Spain, do what the Spanish do.

SIESTA !!

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I was fast asleep studying the inside of my  eyelids ……

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…… dreaming of things that men dream about ……

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…… when …..

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Boom ! Boom ! Boom ! Tara ! Tara ! Boom ! Boom !

Oh no ! It’s one of those distorted brain scrambling, ear shredding, heart exploding, so called CARS !!

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The music was awful !

Tararara ! Boom ! Boom !

……. but decided to go out on the front balcony to have a look.

Boom ! Boom ! Tarararararara ! Boom !

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Boom ! Tara ! Tara ! Boom !

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Tara ! Boom ! Boom ! Tara !

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Boom ! Boom ! Boom ! Rattle Tattle ! Boom ! Boom !

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Burp ! Boom ! Boom ! Squeak ! Rattle ! Tara !

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Rattle Tattle ! Chatter ! Batter ! Boom ! Boom !

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Boom ! Boom ! “I’ve just dumped my boyfriend” ! Tara ! Tara!

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Tara ! Tara ! Boom ! Tara ! ” Did you ?” ! Boom !

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And they disappeared into the countryside. Never to be seen again !

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I’m awake now ! Oh, well, I’ll have a banana……

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….. and check my Dashboard.

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How did they know that ?

And just before publishing this post …..

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Road sweeper ? It’s just a trashy village rumour ! ;)

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Have you been rudely awakened ?

(I know a lot of you would like to be ! )

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Ralph xox <3

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The band and dashboard images are mine. The rest belong within Google Search.

No Spanish band was harmed in the construction of this post, but my ears were !

 

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Birdie !!

Great ! I’ve a brilliant idea for this post and it’s not about cats as Samantha is too good !

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I’ve got half an hour before I go down to the local store.

It’s a beautiful sunny autumn day. The wind is strong and cool, so I only have one french door slightly open.

Both cats are cuddling, curled up in the same basket …….

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….. and I’m looking through Shey’s latest post.

Shey

All is well. Quiet. Homely.

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SUDDENLY !

CHAOS !!

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There is a bird in the house. It’s whizzing round ……

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…… in the salon …..

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…… in the bedroom ……

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……. in the kitchen …..

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…… it’s mayhem !

I add to the madness by running around opening the doors and windows !

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Trapping the bird in a corner, I pick it up and release it back into the wild Spanish landscape.

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The cats are exhausted, flopped out …….

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…… while I restore the rug armageddon.

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Whew !

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Okay cats ! What type of bird was it ?

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No ! It wasn’t a Terrydoctor Sonic !

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Samantha ! What does Google say it was ?

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No ! It wasn’t a big birdie !

???

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It was a sparrow !

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I’m glad that’s over with.

Got to go to the store now ! Bye !

Is there anything you need ?  Valium ?

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I’ll leave you with these birdies.

beautiful !

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Did I just do a cat post ? No way !

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Ralph xox <3

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All the gifs and a couple of images were found on Google Search and are not mine !

No bird or rugs were harmed in real life.

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Cat Woman

Hello ! My name is Samantha.

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My twin brother, Sonic …..

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…… and I have lived with daddy for over 10 years from our birth.

(Sonic is the black blob by daddy’s hand).

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We lived in 4 different houses in southern Spain and hopefully this is the last move !

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Sonic and I got our heads together about daddy’s hopeless attempts at trying to find a woman to possibly live with him here in southern Spain.

He’s useless ! He tried you bloggers and failed dismally. THEN he tried online dating and ended up with a Nigeria man who robbed him blind. So now is the time for us to step in !

What he needs is a cat woman !

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Preferably someone pretty who LIKES cats !

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But Sonic thinks a woman in black would be perfect !

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I’m getting excited at the prospect that our idea is the right one.

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Daddy must find a woman just like us as he loves us a lot.

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She must like to be stroked from head to tail.

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She must be able to purr when spoken to.

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The cat woman needs to sleep all day.

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Then at night wake up. Help daddy to get undressed by chewing the end of his belt.

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Then help him turn out the bedroom light.

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Sonic on the other hand thinks differently.

He says if the cat woman gets upset she must throw up a fur ball…..

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 ….. and hide her toy mouse under the bed where daddy can’t find it.

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She mustn’t  forget to bury the fur ball !

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Sonic says that cat woman must sit or sleep in daddy’s office chair all the time, ……

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….. but she mustn’t rub up against the internet cables.

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And when in the bathroom …….

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……. cat woman would have to inspect the porcelain …..

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……. and have a drink if thirsty !

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I am sure that our idea of daddy finding a cat woman is the right one.

I, Samantha, will be answering your comments as daddy doesn’t know about this !

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What do you think ?

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Love Samantha <3

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When Dorothy Became Darthy !

On my travels through Google Search I came across this gem and decided to go with it and see where it leads us.

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Let’s follow Dorothy and Toto along the red brick road ……..

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…….. and see what happens. Sing-a-long with me……”Follow the red brick road…..”

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As she stepped onto the red brick road …..

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(Warning: 10 more poofs to go !)

……Dorothy changed into Sexy Dorothy ………

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……. and

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Toto was also transformed. In a flush !

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 The little boggie doggie was left at the start of the red brick road as Dorothy couldn’t carry it.

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Sexy Dorothy recalled how she got to this point. She was playing Twister…..

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…… with her cat Nono.

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When !

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Somewhere over a rainbow ……

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……she had a bad shoe day …….

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…… as everyone was wearing them. Even men!

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An upset Sexy Dorothy skipped round the red brick road, making the day of all her knee high little men who were looking up, open-eyed and happy. Then she skipped along the red brick road out into the wide, wide world of Ooze.

(Meanwhile Dorothy and Toto poofed back into their original form and continued their journey along the yellow brick road of Oz)

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 Sexy Dorothy skipped past the road painter who also had red shoes. Really !

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SOTP = Stupidity Of The Painter

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She met some very strange men on the way. Very strange !

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A Lion was just two-dimensional and wouldn’t move. He rubbed off on her.

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A Scarecrow wanted to get warm, but ended up as hot stuff and ashen faced.

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And finally a Tin Man who found a can of WD-40 which he used to polish himself most vigorously !

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So Sexy Dorothy was alone again. Skipping to who knows where ….

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…. (with great difficulty I may add !) …..

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….. constantly meeting strange beings on the red brick road.

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It was getting late as she skippedly arrived at a crossroads.

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Selecting “F” was a big mistake …..

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….. as the road was a dead end.

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She tried the “U”, but that was just as bad !

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“FU no way” she rebounded skippedly.

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So on she went, following the red brick road !

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Sexy Dorothy suddenly found herself locked up in a hideous castle.

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Guarded by hideous creatures ….

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There was no hideous way out !

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Suddenly !

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” You may have a trial wish for 28 days. If you do not return the wish within 28 days you will be charged $2000pm. Whatever you are thinking about Sexy Dorothy will be your trial wish !”

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“Oh no !” thought Sexy Dorothy skippedly,  “you can have your wish back !”

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(Yes, I know ! Too many poofs !)

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It was like her time of the month, menopause, hormones and everyone wearing the same red shoes as her, all kicked in at once !

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Sexy Dorothy ……..

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…….became …….

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Darthy !

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The battle that took place has been censored !

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The good, the bad and the ugly guys were defeated. The hideous ones escaped !

Darthy also escaped by sliding down the drainpipe ……

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….. and strutted back to the red brick road.

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The pretty ice cream van had no chance….

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…… nor did this man with the umbrella…..

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…… as Darthy was in her element…..

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….. strutting the red brick road.

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Darthy stopped. Then panicked struttingly !

“Two rich men. I can’t let them see me like this !”

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Darthy went ……

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One rich man filled Sexy Dorothy’s  basket with gold, diamonds and money while the other told her to click her knees together.

They liked to watch her do that !

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Sexy Dorothy skippedly found herself back in her apartment playing Twister with all her new friends that found out she had money.

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~ THE END ~

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UPDATE

Two weeks after the original Dorothy arrived back in Kansas a twister blew her house from Kansas to Oklahoma where she now lives.

Toto was blown to Texas and is now a retired rat catcher. He’s a very, very, very old dog !

Darthy works for the US government as a tax collector.

Sexy Dorothy married rainbow man and plays Twister only at weekends.

Tin Man still has a smile on his face.

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What would your poof or wish be ?

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It’s way past my bed time. Good night !

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Ralph xox <3

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(None of these images are mine as they were found on a Google Search and no poofs were harmed in the drafting of this post)

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Halloween Is Coming !

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Halloween

is time for

Witch swatting !

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Oh yes ! No matter how beautiful you are…….

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……. I am going to swat you !

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There is no escape.

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No matter what you say or do …….

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…… there is nowhere to fly !

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Exceptions are >>>

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Umm ! I’m undecided about him ……

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….. and him !

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So with the help of Christ ……..

……. you will have no chance.

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I have my witch swatting powers …….

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……. witch which I will use to  make you reconsider your profession !

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Oh no !

I just saw this !

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I have black and tabby cats !

Does that make me a Wizard ? Do I have to swat myself ?

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Or am I  a witch doctor ? No way !

I bet you will be singing this song all day !

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Do you want me to swat you? Gently !

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Ralph xox <3

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(All these images are not mine and were found on a Google Search. Now that’s magic !)

No witches, wizards and cute little kittens were harmed or shot down in the drafting of this post.

SWOON (Swatting Witches Out Of Nonsense)

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The Eyes Have It !

To be serious for a second.

My heart goes out to the nurse suffering from Ebola in Madrid due to the stupidity of bringing an Ebola patient to Spain from West Africa. What upset me though is the extra distress given to her by the Spanish authorities killing her pet dog and not quarantining the animal. There is a massive outcry over these two recent events and so there should be !

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Get well soon girl !

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And now to the post !

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The good news is my Scintillating Scotoma vanished about 3 months ago.

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But the bad news is that it has been replaced by floaters (which are shadows) …….

………. and flashes (lightning streaks in the peripheral vision).

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The doctors explain it this way ………

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BUT I don’t believe it ! I think it’s the onset of my Super Powers !

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As my eyes keep changing I wonder what will happen next !

My eyes may start glowing like Ra ………

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…… in Stargate SG1 …….

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……. glowing like these cats.

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Maybe I’ll develop laser eyes.

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“World domination is MINE after I’ve had a sleep, eaten my fish, then another sleep. It’s so tiring being a dictator.”

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I could be blessed with x-ray vision …….

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…….. and the ability to see into the future.

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“I promise no more kicking Mom  ! I’ll text you at 3am instead !”

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The future is so predictable.

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Yes. Three…… umm ……. one bus will come at the same time !

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We will all have thousands of these in the bank !

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Rice paddy field mechanization.

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Home flight simulator.

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“Xbox one, PlayStation one, back stitch …..”

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Car with popsicle maker !

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I could do with a drink !

“But I want a lager shandy with a lemon slice !”

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Some more good news is that I have an appointment to see my Neurologist in Ronda, Spain in a month’s time.

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(None of these images are mine. They were all found on a Google Search.)

Oh well ! Back to searching on Google for my next post ! The things us male bloggers have to suffer for in drafting our posts !

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Have you got your eye on me ?

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Ralph xox <3

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gold blog

WendyWendy triggered the idea for this post in her fiction story.

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Some of you may remember the post of mine when I had some blogging shirts made up for my holiday in Israel.

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While in the hotel room bathroom I noticed something unusual.

No ! I wasn’t taking selfies or having my own personal wet t-shirt competition !

The word “blog” ……….

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…… changed to “gold” in the mirror.

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It did !

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Try it yourself !

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What I would like to do is to give you all a gold present.

“Give it to me Ralph ! I want it NOW !”

Not this……….

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…… or this ! …….

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……or even this !

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“Shucks Ralph ! I’m pressing Like and I’m gone !”

So there’s no chance of you being a gold digger

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And I didn’t go prospecting for it !

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I won’t be giving you one of these little fellows ……..

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“Oooh !”

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……. and definitely not one of these guys ……..

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“Why not ?”

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……. or gal ……

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I didn’t find the gold present at the end of a rainbow

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“For heaven’s sake Ralph ! What is it ?”

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I’m not giving you this ……. well, it could be if you are nice to me ;)

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“Yes please Ralph !”

It’s definitely not clothes …….

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……. or something I cooked up ! (They are actually Christmas tree baubles ! Not on the woman with the goldfish !)…….

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…… and I definitely didn’t rob the tooth fairy !

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“So what is it Raaaaalph ?”

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“I HEAR YOU !”

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Well, you know I don’t accept awards …….. except maybe a real one like this !

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….. and my gold present to you is NOT an award. It is a gift from me to you. Our secret. It’s for your sidebar as you and your blogs are so special to me. Take it with my love. <3

Right click on the gif/Save image as …

and place it in an “Image” widget on your sidebar like you normally do.

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or take this plain one.

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“Is that it ? No ring ? No gold bar? I’m outta here !”

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I don’t suppose there is any reader left to read this ! Maybe just you in your dressing gown munching cereals out of its box or another you totally bored out of your mind at work.

Is there anybody there ?

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Ralph xox <3

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(All the images on this post were found on Google Search except for my presents and that “hunky” man wearing the t-shirt (that’s me ! No stand-in) at the top of this post)

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