post

Notification Darling ?

The other evening, here in Spain, I was in a catatonic state relaxed in my round chair with one cat on my lap and the other draped alongside me.

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Then my home phone rang.

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Cats flew everywhere as I got up to answer it.

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“Hello darling !”

Heck ! Beautiful English ! She was hot ! The line was burning ! My ear was burning !

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Only two words she uttered. My mind went into overdrive for a split second.

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Who is she ?

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Perhaps it’s my Spanish Neurologist ?

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Nah ! Her English doesn’t sound that sexy !

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A model maybe ?

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I very much doubt it !

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This is probably who it is !

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I had better say something !

“Umm ! *splutter* errrr ! ……..

Shoot ! I am making a right mess of this !

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……. Who am I talking to ?” I cringed !

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Oh ! That sexy voice again  !

“What’s your number ?”

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Yippee ! She wants my number !

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Another split second thought sped through my mind.

I wonder where she is ?

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“951168107” I blustered !

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There was a slight pause.

“Sorry !  I’ve got the wrong number !”

AND SHE HUNG UP !

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I was in shock !

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While she was most likely telling everyone about how she called Ralphie “darling”……

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…… I clicked the button

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I know I am going to live the rest of my life alone with my 2 cats !

THE END

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And now for something completely different !

Fed up with the new Notifier ? ~

Well, I am !

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It’s so blooming complicated and I never know who I’ve replied to and have to search through to find where I last replied :(

Never fear ! Ralphie’s here !

You can access your old Notifier “View Archives” by clicking >>>

here

The Notifications page comes up, bookmark it and place the bookmark on your Bookmark Toolbar.

(I use a laptop with Windows 7 and a Firefox browser)

Yay ! The reply arrow is back !

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So now when you see the orange notifier light up ……

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….. click Notifications on your Bookmark Toolbar.

Easy !

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To close this post, here are some older ladies who have some love advice for us men.

 

That’s put me in my place !

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 Do you need notifying darling ?

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Ralph xox <3

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The chair & notification images are mine. The rest were found on Google Search and are not mine !

post

Do Not Click On This Red Button !

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Yes ! I now have 1500 followers !

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I am so happy !

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Thank you “geekkat” for that clincher ……

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….. also “justdan93″ for being my first ……

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…..and for you, the other 1498, without whom this post would be pointless !

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I know you would do anything for me !

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If I was to say, “Don’t click on this red button !”, you would pass it by, wouldn’t you ?

Ha ! Fat chance ! I know you !

DO NOT CLICK ON THIS RED BUTTON !

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I bet Peter Pan didn’t do that !

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I love you for being you.

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I know you can’t help it !

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Your comments are music to my eyes !

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I love it when you poke fun at me !

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You always keep abreast of my news !

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So a high-five everyone !

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I just love tall women ! Whew !

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Thank you for increasing my blog traffic.

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Yes ! It’s all my fault that you are congested !

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You are always so forward with medical advice.

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It’s hard for me to listen though !

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So, thank you for following me !

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I am now publishing a single weekly post around midnight (CET) Sunday/Monday …..

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…… which means that if you are NOT in Central Europe my post will NOT get to you around midnight Sunday/Monday.

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DON’T WAIT UP OR PLAN A PARTY !

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Why not ?

Because the World, the Universe, Everything wants to confuse you !

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I’m off now to exercise Sonic my cat  …..

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…… maybe watch some TV …..

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….. or maybe, just maybe I’ll visit you !

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 This post is so bad that it’s >>>

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So what’s your excuse for following me ?

I will accept pity !

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Ralph xox <3

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All these images were found or created via Google Search and are not mine !

post

Who Am I ? A Drip ?

OMG ! Please put some clothes on while reading this post !

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I was 20 minutes in the waiting area of Ronda hospital, Spain, on 30Dec14 before going in for a consultation with my sweet Neurologist.

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It’s amazing what I heard the nurses say ………

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….. I had to put up with some waiting patients grumbling ….

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….. and what I read on the wall.

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To bring you up to speed I have been diagnosed with the rare CIDP Lewis Sumner. My hands vibrate especially when holding anything ……

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……. and my balance isn’t too good !

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It’s difficult for me to do anything !

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I have had 4 different treatments. None of them worked, some causing dreadful side-effects…..

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……which were quite upsetting.

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I went in. Sat down. She was on the phone.

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It turned out that test results were missing from my file and it transpired that I have 3 hospital files under different names !

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My first name.

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My middle name.

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My surname

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Thank heavens I am not called Don (Spanish for Mister)  Ulysses Thomas Spencer !

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Keep up !!

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No wonder I have Lewis Sumner ! This latest Spanish hospital cock-up is added to my incorrect middle name “Citizen” on my house deeds and the 3 numbers for my Spanish house 131, 137 & 143 when I confused you in this old post.

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At least my Neurologist didn’t blame me for this mess !

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These are all my files in the government. police, medical Spanish system. There should really only be about 10 altogether !

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My Neurologist was quite upset. This was the time to give her a hug.

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After all she is human like you.

I would be upset if she did this !

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As I live alone she recommended that I apply to Spanish Social Services for a carer/care giver. It will take about a year for them to say yes or no. If future treatments don’t work then I may need one.

*thinks*

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Reality !

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She told me that my next one-off treatment will be an anti-mag IV/drip.

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I hope there is no side-effect this time.

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I would be happy if the drip fixes me ……

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…… and so will she !

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If it doesn’t work this may be a possible future treatment

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She gave me my IV/drip appointment date and time.

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It’s at the end of January 2015 !

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Let’s have a bit of fun ! What would you artists, cooks, seamstresses, etc. put in my IV/drip and what side-effects would I experience ? Make it as wacky and silly as you are !

What are you waiting for ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Only one photo is mine. The rest, found on Google Search are not mine !

post

Can You Help Me To Enhance My Rear Balcony ?

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My rear balcony is quite small and empty. I would like to make it look more homely over the summer.

It was full of logs late 2013 ………

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….. and this year it just has a couple of pots.

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I’ve got a few ideas such as storing vehicles (which I haven’t got !)

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Maybe I can make it animal friendly.

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I like babies …….

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…… and I like sleeping.

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I could make it people friendly.

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I may use a plant in a pot.

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I won’t go down these routes !

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I don’t have to sign anything to do it !

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Now I am lost !

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Maybe all I need on my balcony is a pair of tits ……

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…..or sun drenched boobies.

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I need a push ! Can you help me ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Except for my balcony photos the rest were found on Google Search and are not mine !

post

Ralph’s Unbreakable New Year’s Resolutions

I normally never make New Year’s resolutions as I always break them within an hour.

So I have come up with unbreakable ones !

Here goes !

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Exercise

I will never exercise seriously.

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I will relax more.

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I will never exercise animals.

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Blogging

I will blog !

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I will throw a wobbly when the laptop crashes or the Internet goes down.

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I will write about ANYTHING !

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Women

I will always toe the line.

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Learn to understand her.

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Improve my dancing skills.

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Always ask for advice.

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Be natural with her !

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Enjoy housework more !

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Iron out any problems before they happen.

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Be fixated on her !

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Be mesmerised by her ……

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Happy 2015 my bloggy friends !

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Are you alone during the New Year celebrations ?

I am !

So you’re not alone !

Cheers !

*clink*

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Ralph xox <3

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All these images were found on Google Search and none of them are mine !

post

Christmas Eve Party – Presents – Baby Liam

David & Hilda, my local friends, held a Christmas Eve Party

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And THEN my camera battery went dead !

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These are ALL my Christmas presents !

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Samantha, one of my two cats, found Ute‘s cat book. Oh boy ! Samantha is going to be trouble now !

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While Toni & Pedro, my Spanish neighbours, were cleaning my apartment today, I was left holding baby Liam (now 10 days old) for a few moments.

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So, what have you been up to (that’s printable) this holiday ?

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Ralph xox <3

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post

This Doctor Got Right Up My Nose !

I was ready to publish this post last week but along came Toni’s baby (who is fine) and a party which both took priority over this post.

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A few hours before she had her baby Toni took me to Ronda hospital to see Dr Sinus who was going to get right up my nose.

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…… His laboratory was in a different part of the hospital to where I usually go. It’s such a maze …..

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…..and so confusing. So I made up an accurate map of the hospital.

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Of course if I was on my own I would probably end up here……….

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……but I didn’t want to go there !

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While sitting outside the Laboratory of Dr Sinus a million thoughts screamed through my head.

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What did he look like ?

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or

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Would the nurses be friendly ……

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…… or not ! ……

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…… and what would he do to me ?

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Panic !!

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Eventually I was called in and met Dr Sinus for the first time.

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As he only spoke Spanish he told Toni that I had polyps in my sinuses which were picked up by the MRI scan I had done a few months earlier.

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It seems many people don’t know they have them !

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My Spanish is so bad I thought that he said these polyps were alien eggs !

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Dr Sinus stopped typing on his computer……

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…… then thrust a medical tool up my nose !

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Which one of these do you think he used ?

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A

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B

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C

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If you selected A or B I have made an appointment for you !

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He told me Toni that the polyps were way too deep in my sinuses and there was no need to operate. If they were a lot worse it would be a big operation, basically removing my face to access the problem and clean it out. Yuk !

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He prescribed an anti-inflamation spray (similar to this).

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Medical Tip

Remove cap before spraying up nose. Duh !

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 I am returning to the hospital on the 30th December to visit my sweet Neurologist who will probably put me on a different course of tablets with more weird side effects !

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So who or what gets up your nose ?

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Ralph xox <3

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 All these images were found on Google Search and are NOT mine !

post

Party 20Dec14 & Recipe For Creme De Nez

Yesterday afternoon, hot and sunny for December, was party time !

Einar (Papa Noel, Father Christmas, Santa Claus or the man who dresses up as an excuse for women to sit on his knee) and Jenny (the hostess with the mostest who laid on a fabulous feast) held a party at the Parra Bar in our local village.

Thank you so much dear friends !

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This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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Ralph’s Christmas Recipe For

Creme De Nez

Step One : Find a willing woman.

Step Two: Then find one who can conjure up a very thick “blancmange” chocolate concoction.

Step Three : Cover said woman chocolate with thick cream.

Step Four : Ask a sozzled friend to make a crater in the cream and fill with brandy.

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Step Five : Ensure a friend (an Adrian preferably) thrusts said dessert up my nose.

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Step Six : Laugh !

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That is how to make Creme de Nez (Nose Cream dessert)

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Ralph xox <3

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No Ralph was harmed in the making of this dessert !

post

How Exciting ! Toni’s New Baby.

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At last ! We have all been waiting months for this ! Well, 9 months !

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  Toni’s baby boy was delivered this morning. He weighed 3.3kg (7 1/2 lbs)

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Both mum and baby are fine.

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Pedro, the dad, has named the boy Liam. Remember I asked you to suggest a name for the baby, well none of you picked Liam, but Toni thanks you all for your suggestions.

ERROR !

Toni & Pedro emailed me the day after I published this post. They picked Liam from Amy’s comment …..

Amy

Amy

…… where Toni & Pedro corrected me by what Amy said

Dale las gracias a tus amigos del blog por sus felicitaciones. Tengo que decirle que el nombre Liam si lo suguirio una amiga. Aquí le dejo su enlace…

Amy Reese on 27/08/2014 at 5:38 pm
Oh, it’s difficult to pick unusual names these days! All the unusual ones are becoming more common. Caden, Liam….I like those. What about Romeo? Roman, I like. Best of luck to her and her new family addition. I look forward to seeing what she decided and seeing her little one! Cheers, Ralph. xoxox :)

So we have a winner !

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For those new readers of this blog I had better bring you up to speed. Toni’s Spanish family live in the apartment below mine and for the last couple of years Toni has been feeding me, cleaning my apartment and washing my clothes. Pedro, her husband, has been doing the million odd jobs for me which I am unable to do. A wonderful family !

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

Congratulations Toni and Pedro :D <3

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post

Battle Of Waterloo

Late 1960s ! The Beatles, Carnaby Street and Ralph about to destroy London ! It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Thanks Debby for reminding me. Hah !

Debby

Debby

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I joined the Royal Corps of Signals  when I was 17 1/2.

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A few weeks of basic training where I learned to polish boots …..

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……… blanco and polish brass on belts ……

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….. march with pride …..

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…… get muddy and polish boots again and again and again.

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I passed out. Marching with dignity !

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I immediately entered my Trade Training Course in electronics where I learned to polish my boots ….

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….. and how to hold a soldering iron by the handle and not the hot end.

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A year later some bright spark thought I was good enough to repair specialist radios……

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….. and posted me to Aden. Active service ! Guns ! Fighting ! Thanks ! Not !

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I was allowed out on my own ! I was leaving this …….

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…..for this.

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Ooops ! It’s the 1960s. I mean for this ……

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…….as I had 2 weeks leave before departing for Aden.

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A train to London. Cross London by the Underground…….

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…… then a train to Portsmouth Harbour…….

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….. followed by a ferry to the Isle of Wight.

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No problem ! Hah ! I got more goosebumps thinking about it !

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And so my story begins !

Late at night ! My train to London and crossing London from Kings Cross to Waterloo by the Underground was a piece of cake.

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Weighed down by my Army suitcase ……

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…… and kitbag …..

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…….I was the last passenger from my tube train…….

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…… to ascend the escalator up to the mainline station of Waterloo.

This is where I met my Waterloo !

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Thankfully I placed the heavy suitcase to the side of me with the heavy kitbag on top. Up the escalator I went looking at the wall posters of scantily dressed women (Well I was 19 years old. No difference then !).

Nearing the top I picked up the kitbag, reached for the suitcase handle and the suitcase had

GONE !! OMG !

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Play this Dam Buster theme so as to enhance your reading experience

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My suitcase had gone ! I swung round to look down the escalator and almost fell …..

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…… as I saw my suitcase tumbling over and over ……..

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…. down the escalator !

Time stood still as I watched in horror, my suitcase becoming a Suitcase of Mass Destruction. A bouncing bomb !

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Thank God nobody was on the escalator !!

My suitcase tumbled faster, higher and higher !

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It could wipe out the whole of London’s Father Christmas-es !

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I was dreading the repercussions

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I could end up picking up raven’s poo with a teaspoon in the Tower of London for the rest of my Army career if it hit someone !

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What can I do ?

Jump over on to the down escalator  ……

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….. or maybe slide down between escalators ……

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….. Nope !

With a massive THUD my suitcase hit the far wall at the bottom.

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Any harder the wall would have split open pouring water from the River Thames into London’s Underground system.

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I managed to retrieve my suitcase without falling over in my haste to get to it …..

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…… and reascended the Escalator Of Doom ! Half way up, the escalator stopped and I heard metal gates at the top being pulled closed. I shouted

Oy ! Hang on !

Struggling up the last 50 steps, suitcase (looking good) and kitbag in hand, a face peered over the top looking down at me.

Blakey from "On the Buses"

Blakey from “On the Buses”

Hurry up son. I’m closing up ! Where are you going ?

I told him.

Waterloo was closing down for the night, but Blakey, a kind soul, looked at my military ID and ticket, opened the gate to Platform 9 3/4 where my train stood and let me board 6 hours before it left for the South Coast of England.

I lay out on a long empty seat and slept.

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A sudden JOLT woke me up 6 hours later. The train was moving and I couldn’t see !

4 commuting passengers were sitting on the edge of my seat with me jammed longways behind them.

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Eventually I arrived home on the Isle of Wight. There were no girls on the beach …..

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…… just snow ! The same as the place I left.

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I did manage to get to Aden for a year and I didn’t get killed.

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Do you think that I needed supervision ?

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Ralph xox <3

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All the images & gifs were found on Google search to enhance your reading experience OR for those who only like to look at pictures. They are not mine and never will be.

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