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A Name For Toni’s New Baby

Toni’s Request

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When Toni, my Spanish neighbour, had finished cleaning my apartment on Sunday, she asked me to ask you from all over the world if you can suggest a name for her new boy due to be born around Christmas.

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She doesn’t want a Spanish name such as Carlos, Pedro, Domingo etc. but an unusual name. Her daughter’s name is Ariadne and her son’s name is Eidan just to give you an idea. If she picks one of your suggestions I will send you a little gift as a prize (not the baby boy !)

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Sir Ralph de Blog

is my suggestion !

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My ancestry

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It could have almost been >

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My Family Tree

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My Ancestors ?

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I just love my love houses.

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The ancestors were very inventive…….

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……….big smokers……..

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……. but failed at making necklaces for the court ladies.

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They invented dog power cars……..

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…….. and baby carriers for ice-skating

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They became high ranking in the Bicycle Corps……..

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…….. and also invented the wheelie !

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They became great mathematicians ……..

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…….. and invented word games.

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They also were complete failures at plastic surgery.

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My up-to-date successes and failures

I’m a success at police public relation work………

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……. designing new military wear…….

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…..and an expert in international military relations.

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I practiced hard on my new keyboard…….

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…….and PlayStation controller.

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I helped to invent the modern phone-box.

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Then I dabbled in fashion………

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……… but I never understood why they fired me !

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 I always wondered why I never went into music. I did here !

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Health and Safety was always on my mind. Especially for cyclists……..

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………and swimming pools………

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……..even signs.

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I believe in a happy family life…………

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……… education ………

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….. home management…….

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…….matrimonial guidance………

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……… or else !

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It’s time for me to do some housework………

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…….. followed by …………..

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……… No ! Eating cookies and having a coffee.

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(All these images {except of Toni} were found on Google Searches and are NOT mine; never are, never will be, never not no how are they mine. Got it ? Sure ? They are not MINE ! )

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Have you thought of an unusual name for Toni’s new baby boy ?

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Ralph xox <3

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A Sorta Girlfriend

Thank you Steve for this post headline. It is so apt !

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Here is your comment reply.

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I am not too sure whether to tell you about my online dating disaster. I feel the only way is to write this post with part of an email which I sent to a friend this morning. A teaser perhaps ! And to read in these comments what you have to say my friends.

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Tammy

Tammy

Hi Karen,

Something happened to me a couple of days ago which brought me back to my own reality. I had been so drawn into Tammy’s world of problems and lies that I had forgotten my own life and how I normally am. If she sends me a copy of her passport or rings my doorbell I will believe her and apologise. Until then I have to forget her and move on with my life.

The story is. The other afternoon I was indoors with the A/C on as it was baking hot. I had a “feeling” that I must go out on the rear balcony 3 floors up, and look out. Down below me to the left behind some bushes I saw a blue shirt and a head and recognised Paco lying on the ground trying to move. He was out of sight of the path and the road. I called and asked if he was okay. He waved me to come down, which I did. Meeting Carlos in the street I told him what I saw and we both went and picked Paco up. His arms and face were torn to ribbons. He was on the path, had a heart problem and fell over the hedge into the bushes. We got him home. If I was not “told” to go out on the balcony to see him he would have probably been there all night and probably died.

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This is my real world of helping people, being kind and generous. Because Tammy has taken most of my money, my generosity will have to wait a while until I build up my funds again. In the past I have paid off most of a poor local family’s slate at the local shop and many other similar acts. I have to get back to being myself. This is why I have deleted Yahoo Messenger totally from my laptop as Tammy’s world is not mine and I don’t want to be constantly reminded that in helping a woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, it became a disaster for me.

Wow ! Sorry to read of your health problems. I hope you are feeling a little better this morning. Sorry I cut Yahoo Messenger so quickly, but I had to do it. It’s going to be another hot day, but I will be doing some shopping for the weekend in a couple of hours time.

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I have used up a lot of love and emotions over the last 3 months or so. Also a lot of money (which I am not too worried about as that can be replaced over time). Love and emotions cannot be replaced. I am still not sure whether I was involved with an incompetent business woman or a Nigerian criminal group, but I believe it to be the latter.

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Even though it’s going to hurt, do you want to read the highlights of my story in a later post ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Ralph’s School Of Motoring. Underground Parking !

Before the Gaucin feria began, the young family and I had a meal in a local bar.

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

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Eidan and Ariadne volunteered to enrol on Ralph’s School of Motoring underground parking course for juniors.

I was sorry to turn this girl away as she couldn’t walk yet.

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I had to check that the two children were fit enough for the stringent course before them.

Eidan practiced levitation………..

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….. while Ariadne worked on just breathing.

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They were ready for the class to begin. Cars were supplied and the children were eager to get going.

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On entering the underground car park, drive around looking for a vacant parking space.

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Crash into a wall …….

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…….. or two !

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Side-swipe a few cars !

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Reverse into other cars with vigour !

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Then park your car as close as you can to the next car so that the driver cannot get out !

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 Congratulations Eidan and Ariadne. You have passed the course !

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Have a cup cake !

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You are now only a few courses and years away from driving like this on the Costa del Sol, Spain, for real !

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I do run advanced courses for older children ……..

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…….. and adults.

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(Some of these pictures were found on a Google Search and are not mine thank heavens !)

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So are you going to sign up for one of my courses ?

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Ralph xox <3

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That was my 200th post. Yay !

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Gaucin Feria. Stories By Cropping Photographs

 Gaucin Feria

On Thursday evening the young family downstairs took me to the opening of the feria (an annual community party) in Gaucin, Anadalucia, Spain. Pedro snapped these photos with my ancient digital camera with which Mona Lisa captured her famous selfie.

“To my eternal love Ralphie. Hugs & kisses. Mona baby <3

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(This was found on a Google search and is not mine. The rest of these photos are mine and will be found on a Google search in the future. Go public Go !! )

Pedro was afraid to ask for frontal poses so most of these photos are rear views. I edited these photos with an ancient editor which came with the camera. I want to show you how cropping a photo can change or create a completely different atmosphere. I am no expert ……….. so sue me anyway !

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Original

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Obvious crop

“How in heaven’s name did she manage to shovel herself into that skirt ?”

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But there is a second story going on in the top left of the original

The man in blue is protecting himself from the man in the red dress. It’s true !!

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Original

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Cropping emphasises the story

” I got an itch ! “

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Original

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Lots of people, but there are two stories here

Look at the girl’s face above the bowed boy !

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and

This young child is so highlighted !

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Original

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“He just goosed me ! “

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Original

Not a bad photo !

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Boring portrait

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 Mystical couple.

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Is Ralphie going to proposition her or has she just dumped him ?

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Cropped Photographs

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.

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.

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Toni (notice bump) and Ralph. A girl that Toni knows came up to her and asked if I was Toni’s dad. Nearly as bad as the comment made when I announced that Toni was pregnant. “Am I the dad ?” she asked. Oh boy  !

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The girl in green will be quite a domineering wife for someone in the future !

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“Hey Nikon lady ! They’re behind you ! “

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What has the boy done ?

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Finally Animated Fun

Original

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Dancing Queen !

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Did you learn a lot ?

I will be testing you later, but not about cropping photos  ;)

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Ralph xox <3

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Ralph. Shirt. Buttons. Cat. Bra.

Ralph. Shirt. Buttons.

Being a man, one thing that I’m very good at is putting a shirt on.

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It’s quite easy really. Two holes ! Put my arms though !

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That’s when dressing comes to a grinding halt for me. As I can’t do the buttons up !

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I can do zips. Zip them up or down. But, buttons, no way !

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Even laying the shirt on the bed. So fiddly.

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It’s pure chance a button inserts itself into its correct slot. Yay ! Ten minutes. One button in its hole !

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Cat

“I’ve watched my idiot Dad long enough !” thinks Samantha as she jumps on the bed. “Ten minutes ! Is that all he has done ? It’s easy ! That glittery toy that I like to chew goes in that claw hole I made yesterday ! Simple !”

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 And promptly settles down.

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“But I’m not doing it cos’ I’m a cat !”

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“It’s soft and comfy here. I’ll let Daddy make a hash of things as he usually does !”

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As usual, Ralph gives up and puts a buttonless slip-over top on !

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Bra

Thank heavens I haven’t got a woman around the house !

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A woman would be handy to help with my buttons and have hot sex in Jerusalem. HOT SEX IN JERUSALEM !! Where did THAT come from ??

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Being an engineer once, I have never understood the intricacies of a bra. I have studied bras as a hobby. Well a man has to have a hobby !

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I’ve ironed them and repaired one or two in the past.

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But to remove one would be fun and impossible with my hands as they are.

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and

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Women make it look so simple…..

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…….and complicated !

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They wear all sorts of bras. Push up…..

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…..in the gym.

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Some have whale bone. I used to like fishing around in bras…..another hobby of mine……. fishing !

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They wear bras like this at the school play to keep the Dads happy I suppose !

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Women always have to exchange bras in a store that they didn’t buy it from !

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 They also have many uses such as supporting papayas ……

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……. hanging baskets ……..

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……. and friendly face masks.

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By the way. I have been tidying up behind the bike sheds in Bluefish Way and found a couple of bras which you may have mislaid. Do you want them back ?

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(All bra related pictures were borrowed from a Google Search. The bras, pictures, kitten and women are not mine)

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Have you had button, zip or bra disaster ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Pancakes And A Thousand Followers !

Pancakes

This story was triggered by a visit to Liz‘s cooking blog. Boy ! Can she cook !

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(Click this picture of Liz’s to take you to her pancake post.)

In the ’80’s I stayed with Jim & Doris Nelson in Julian CA  (it’s a shame that I have lost touch with them). Jim asked me to take his truck down to Ramona for servicing.

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(Found on Google Search)

I popped into a nearby cafe for a cooked breakfast while waiting for the truck to be finished. I ordered the usual inc. pancakes. I asked for three. The waitress looked shocked and went away shaking her head. “Mad English !” I suppose she was thinking. She returned with two plates. One with the breakfast. The other was piled with three 1″ thick pancakes the size of “manhole covers”. I was surprised they didn’t have printed on them “San Diego Highways Dept.”

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(Found on Google Search)

She stood over me and smiled. The cook peeped over the bar and smiled. All the customers smiled. And I thought “Oh boy !” as I asked for the 6th bottle of maple syrup. I got through one pancake !!

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1000 WP followers ! Wow !

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It’s now 1009 followers. 1003 of you are with WP dot com.  Six more are emails. How fantastic is that ! Thank you so much !

On the 2nd of October 2012, when I had 184 followers, I wrote a fun post about following. I am copying it here as I have so many new followers to upset. Here goes ! Have fun !

I am following you Ralph because:

1) I like your hat

2) I like where you live because it is nowhere near where I live

3)I like your blog but I don’t like you

4) I like you and I want to marry you

5) I am married but I still want to marry you

6)I am single and with you around I am staying single

7)I get bored easily so I come over to your blog and get more bored

8) My psychiatrist recommends this blog as shock treatment

9) I have had a bad hair day and I want to take it out on you

10) I want to know if my boobs are too big for this sweater

11) Other

12) A bit of the other

Thank heavens  you are blog followers, NOT real life followers ! I could  cope with washing the clothes of 1000, even feeding 1000, but 1000 followers snoring ! No way !

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Thank you for following this blog my friends !

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Ralph xox <3

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Happy 2nd Anniversary !!

Wow ! This popped up in my Notifier today ! Two years with WordPress dot Com and what a ride we had !

Happy Anniversary!

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The Last Supper. How I Sat On A Nun And My Trousers Fell Down Twice !!

Additions to my previous posts

Sorry I haven’t visited your blogs yet. Although I am back in Spain I have a lot of catching up to do on my blog and in real life.

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One bus tour which I forgot to post was to Nazareth, Galilee and the river Jordan. We had lunch at St Peter’s restaurant on the shore of Galilee where Jesus, Peter and other disciples used to have Sunday lunch with a Coke to drink. It’s true !!

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Peter caught this fish this morning

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Among our group was a young student who was the only one who didn’t eat the US$22 meal. I knew she was broke, so I offered to pay, but she refused. I didn’t push it.

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The tour guide told us that once we had eaten to go straight back to the bus and not to go to the edge of the Sea of Galilee. Being me, I went and put my hands in the water. In the water in front of me rolled a carved, copper “wand”.  Wow !!

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.

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I had a think about that young girl on the bus going to the river Jordan and when we reached the baptism “theme park” I got her to one side. Gave her €50 and asked her to pay it forward to a young student like herself when she becomes rich and famous. I then went to have my feet cleaned by fish in the river Jordan.

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See the fish. They nibble and it tickled !

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My last supper in the hotel

The last evening meal in the hotel was so unusual. As all the tour groups had left and all the tour groups had cancelled because of the trouble with Gaza I was alone in the 200 seater dining room. As there was no normal buffet the chef cooked me a special meal, enough to feed the 40,000. Did I eat it all ? No way !!

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.

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The first time my trousers fell down !

I left the hotel in Jerusalem at midnight for Ben Gurion airport near Tel Aviv. My taxi driver, Michael Schumacher’s Palestinian cousin Abdul, drove the 1 hour 20 minute route in 25 minutes. Oh boy !!

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Security was very tight. The taxi was pulled to one side at the Israeli airport checkpoint and I was quizzed by a soldier who also took my passport into an office. 20 minutes later I was allowed into the airport. Twice more I was interrogated about where I had been and had to explain my middle names on my passport as I went through check in, passport control procedures.

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I needed both hands to remove my laptop for security Xray. I already had my belt off and my trouser waist was extremely loose. So it made the night of the Israeli girl helping me to remove all metal objects as my trousers descended to the floor.

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.

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After 3 hours I managed to get to the Gate and we took off for Rome.

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How I sat on a Nun !

An hour more flying to Rome. The flight was okay but the seats on the A320 were so uncomfortable. Then a commotion from the back of the plane. Someone had a severe medical problem. So the  Captain gunned it and we landed 20 minutes early and parked miles from nowhere in the middle of the airport. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Please stay seated until the medical personnel have boarded the aircraft !“. Oh boy ! I have an hour and a half to walk the miles of corridors from T3 to T1 ! Eventually we were allowed to board a bus for the terminal.

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There are few seats, so I stood holding a pole next to a seated Nun. Then, Michael Schumacher’s Italian cousin, Mario, shot off towards the terminal. He cornered on two wheels, the inertia of my heavy laptop bag swung me around. I moved my feet to balance myself, but the Nun had put her cabin bag up against the back of my feet. This is when I began my pole dance…….

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……swinging lower and lower until I ended up sitting on the lap of the Nun. I think she enjoyed the experience !  A miracle for her perhaps !

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The second time my trousers fell down !

Fantastic ! I entered Terminal 3 with an hour to go before my next flight from Rome to Malaga. Easy ! I can do …….. I turned a corner and, for heaven’s sake, ANOTHER security check of person and hand luggage AND there were dozens of people queuing in front of me !

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One woman in front of me had enough jewelry on to fill Fort Knox with gold and every time she went through the detector it beeped. Time after time off came more jewelry. My turn ! My trousers descended to the floor as I removed my laptop from its bag. Oh boy !!

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.

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Half an hour to go before my flight to Malaga leaves !! Got to hurry !!

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Rome Airport.

Do not, I repeat, do not use Rome airport. It’s BIG !! It’s FULL of people rushing here and there !! So I walked……

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…….and walked……

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……did I pass this ? ……

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……. and walked……

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……checked the signs……

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…..and walked…..

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……and walked……

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Yay !! I got to my Gate C09 on time !

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“Ladies and Gentlemen. There will be a half an hour delay because the aircraft is not in it’s correct position !” Oh boy ! I hope it’s the right way up !! After all that rushing and walking fast I needed a pee !

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Great ! One nearby ! Oh no ! The “men’s” was closed and there was a long queue of men for the disabled toilet. The women had NO queue ! (Yay ! Say you women !). 20 minutes later a happy Ralph emerged from the Relieving Station.

3/4 hour late, Michael Schumacher’s Italian cousin’s brother screeched his way out to the ancient A319 aircraft bound for Malaga …… or not !!

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The Italian Conference. Do we take off or not ! Mama mia !

All 135 of us passengers were seated in the usual uncomfortable seats ready to go to Malaga, but the Captain was unhappy. A passenger had a medical condition document attached to her boarding card which gave her permission to fly. The Captain objected. Medics and a doctor were called aboard. Others joined in. I assume the Lottery ticket salesman, the runway line painter and half of Rome came aboard as well and so started an hour of ” Mama mias” and “Did you have pizza last night ?” on the flight deck.

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The documents photographed by the Captain and the doctor’s signature on it, we took off for Malaga.

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Baggage bloomer

Over an hour late we landed in Malaga.

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Miles of walking again to the baggage hall, carousal 37. The suitcases went round……

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……nope ! No bag ! …….

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………Still no suitcase ! …….

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……suddenly everyone went and I had no suitcase ! An airport wheelchair pusher told me that as I came from outside Europe that my suitcase would be in a separate Custom’s Hall. And there it was. We gave each other a hug and left together for the arrivals hall…….

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……where I met Max who was there to drive me to my home in the mountains of southern Spain……

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…….Or not !!

We chatted over a drink in a bar outside Malaga Arrivals and went to Jenny’s sports car which she had borrowed to pick me up.  She put her ticket in the pay machine…..

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……and it was rejected. How were we going to get through the barrier ? Driving round and round the car park we eventually found the office 2 floors down.

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The girl there swiped the parking ticket and told Max to go and pay at the machine the other side of the car park. 5 minutes later Max came back saying it doesn’t work. The girl swiped, typed, muttered and sent Max back to the machine. It worked !! The barrier raised and we were homeward bound. After a major food and drink shop in Ronda I arrived home in the evening. Was greeted by my cats who had not seen me for two weeks. They talked and followed me everywhere. Had my evening meal and promptly fell asleep on my swivel chair !!

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(Most of these pictures were found on Google Search. Thank you to the contributors)

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Did you enjoy my trip home ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Fun With Israelis By The Dead Sea

Wow ! I returned to my Jerusalem hotel last night after experiencing the most fun packed 24 hour overnight visit to the Dead Sea. My blogging friend  Heila  and her friend Yuval invited me to go with them on this adventure. We stayed the night in a room on a mountain top overlooking the Dead Sea. During the day we visited a nature reserve and a spa, but most of all we had FUN, 24 hours of it ( except for Yuval’s snoring…….I won’t marry him !!). Thank you so much dear friends.

So, please come with us and enjoy this slideshow of 74 photos.

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It is so nice to finish my 2 week holiday in Jerusalem on a high. I am flying back to Spain tomorrow night with an extra “suitcase” full of wonderful memories. Thank you Israel and the West Bank for my trip of a life time.

See you in Spain !

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I hope you enjoyed my holiday in Jerusalem with me. Did you ?

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Ralph xox <3

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