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This Is Weighing On My Mind

Yesterday, my neighbour Toni went to Ronda hospital, Spain, to have a regular check-up of herself and the baby boy within her.

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(While there, she had a word with reception to find out why my Neurologist had not made a recent appointment for me. Last night Toni gave me a paper with a date and time on it for mid November.  So my pretty young Neurologist IS still talking to me after I missed visiting her in July !)

Toni also told me that everything is great with her and the baby. The boy is now weighing 1 kilogram. 2 months to go !

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After Toni left my apartment I had a sudden thought ! How in the dickens do they know the weight of the baby ? I mean, a lot of things are easy to weigh ……..

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…….. unless you are a blonde then things become difficult such as a maze ……..

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…… or a kilo of sugar that weighs 144g …..

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To weigh a giraffe is easy. Man holds giraffe ……..

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……. stands on scales ……

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……. which don’t lie ……

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…… and do not stand on it like this …..

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……. or this ……

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……. or this …..

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Man asks giraffe to read the weight as the man can’t see the scales ……

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The giraffe climbs off the man. Records the weight of the man and subtracts that weight from the man plus the giraffe so obtaining the weight of the giraffe. What a clever giraffe !” says the horse …….

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……. and the dog !

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My problem is that Toni’s baby is in an almost sealed container. How does one weigh an item in an almost sealed container ?

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The doctors don’t know her true weight as she is getting heavier. Her breasts are growing, laden with milkshakes.

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There are optional extras in with the baby such as fluids and the cord, etc.

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I reckon that the Spanish doctors are miners. They use specialist equipment ……

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…….. lower themselves  down gently …….

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……. scramble along the passage …….

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……. open the door …….

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……. and with the scales they brought with them they go in and weigh the baby !

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Easy, isn’t it ! One kilogram exactly !

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Or maybe I should just ask Toni. What do you think ?

I must get a life !

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Ralph xox <3

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(Except for Toni’s picture at the top, the rest were found on Google Search and are not my images)

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I’m Fridge~id !

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I’m afraid so ! I know I’m dangerous in the kitchen but I have to eat during the day !

Now what’s in the fridge ?

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Nothing in the freezer ! See what else I’ve got !

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What do you suggest I have to eat ?

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What do you think cat ?

Eat me fish ! PLEASE !

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Maybe I could make a jelly ! But my hands are so bad !

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And to think I’ve got a problem ! There’s always someone worse than me !

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I give up in the kitchen !  I think I’ll sit down ……..

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……….and watch someone else make breakfast.

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That was fun ! I decided on a cheese and tomato sandwich for lunch. That’s safe. No cutting required.

I asked Toni (my Spanish neighbour who cooks my evening meal every night) to cut everything for me.

This is what she prepared tonight. Every night it’s something different !

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Maybe I’ll buy some grapes for tomorrow

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How would you organise my fridge…..and my lack of culinary expertise ?

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Ralph xox <3

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(The fridge and evening meal pictures are mine. The rest were found on a Google Search and are not mine)

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The Letter

The Letter

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 During the last visit to my pretty young Neurologist in Ronda hospital, Andalucia, Spain in May, I asked her to not make an appointment for me during the month of July as I would be on holiday in Israel. Guess what ? I have just found out that an appointment was made for me at the end of July, but I never received the letter stating the date, time and room number.

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So what happened to the letter ?

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Maybe my Neurologist is testing my psychic ability by not sending the letter.

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Oh well ! I can dream !

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Ronda……

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…..is only 20 miles (30k)…….

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…..from my home near Cortes de la Frontera.

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I live in the town’s railway station village. The letter could have come by train…..

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…….and had a scenic 40 minute rail ride from Ronda.

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It could have come on the train by courier……..

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…..or by other means…….

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……or by snail mail. 3 months ? It should be leaving the hospital about now !

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Or, just maybe, the letter was incorrectly mailed…….

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…….or it had to go through hospital security first.

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Maybe the letter was held up…….

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…..or a new mailman just started.

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It’s too late now. But where in the world…….

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…..did it end up ? As junk male ?

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On cloud 9 perhaps ?…….

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……or on top of the world ?

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……or maybe here.

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The hospital doesn’t email me ! So……

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……I am on the look out for the next letter……

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……but in reality it will be a couple of months before I am sent another.

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(All these pictures were found on Google Search and are definitely not mine and never will be.)

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Have you had something happen to you that you were not aware of at the time ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Work It Out For Yourself

Multiple Red Layered Stage Theater Drape Background

~Work it out for yourself~

A very, very short original wordplay play on words play

by

~Ralph the Barred Bard~

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HUSBAND: Hello Goodbye. I’m home !

WIFE: Oh ! There you are Hello !

Sorry I’m late Goodbye. I was held up by Traffic !

Traffic ? I thought he was doing Time ?

No, Time kicked him out, so he went back to being Him again.

Not Him again ! That balaclava of his is so well known around Here.

Yes I know. I wish Here would stop wearing it as a boob tube. He stole from Me you know !

Oh no ! Is Me okay ? What did he take ?

Yes, he’s okay, just Shocked.

No way ! He loved that dog ! Shocked is such a sweetie ! I love Him.

Him ! HIM !! I knew it ! He is always in Here as soon as I go out !

I’m sorry Hello. Here and I both love Him to bits.

God ! I need Time to think about this Goodbye.

You are the puritan, aren’t you ? Got to get to work on Time every morning and now you need Time to think ! You don’t talk to Me any more !

He’ll get around it. When Traffic held Me up in a fireman’s lift it scared Him to death.

Him is dead ? I must go and see Him ! OMG. Why am I Here ? Okay. Okay !! Here and I are the same person. When I am Here I wear a pink wig.

I thought it was about Time to own up.

It’s Time you found out Hello ! I wear a blue wig when it’s Time to say goodbye to Goodbye and become your spare Time. Do you want your Tea now ?

Tea ? Ummm ……. can we change the subject ? Let’s go out and eat !

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Curtains close

~(Applause)~

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Did you enjoy This ?

(Ooops. This is another story !)

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Ralph xox <3

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Party. Two of # ?. I Need Supervision !

An OMG moment !

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WARNING

Spluttering coffee on your keyboard is inevitable if you read this, even if you are not drinking coffee !

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I woke up with a start ! Glanced at my alarm clock. Panic ! It’s eight o’clock ! I slept for four hours. A four hour siesta ! Got to move as the party starts in half an hour !

Launching myself out of bed, cats flying off the covers. It’s getting dark and so cold outside. That’s unusual ! I dressed. An added sweater and coat as it’s a rooftop party.

I was happy that I left my apartment not too late and that I was dressed up warmly. A brisk walk through the village laden with a bottle of wine and another of Cava (champagne).

That’s weird ! No old men sitting on the wall. I waved to the postman, watched the workmen in the road, villagers with bags of rolls from the baker’s. Nothing registered, except, what’s going on (?) as I banged at the party door. Locked ! No one about ! Many times I called up. Nothing !

The sun shone onto me between the houses.

An OMG moment !

It’s nine o’clock IN THE MORNING !

I was totally confused the whole way home. Is it Wednesday ? Have I missed the party as it might be Thursday morning ? Do I need supervision ? Parental guidance perhaps ? A woman keeping me on a lead ? Heck !

For heaven’s sake don’t tell Bill & Max that I was kicking their door in at 9am, the morning of the party !

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 The Party

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Location

Up on the roof of Bill & Max’s house in southern Spain

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Friends indeed !

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Food ! What’s left of it !

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Music

We all sang this !

“Easy (like Sunday morning)” from Commodores by Lionel Richie. Released: 1977.

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And what the heck is this Hilda !

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Would you have come with me at 9am ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Party. One of # ?

Just over a week ago I was invited for drinks and tapas at Jim & Louise’s small cottage in the valley just outside of our village in Spain.

Please enjoy my fun captions.

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This was not a party animal on the BBQ

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There was light entertainment laid on

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Any larger, an air water bomber would have drenched us

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Well ! I was the only single man there !

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No ! We are not allowed one !

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I think the wine has just hit me !

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I love this party animal !

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I can make fire in my hand ! Look !

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I’ve had so much. The wine is flowing out my ear !

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I support my friends !

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DO NOT remove ! The super moon was last week !

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The Three Tenners !

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My only purpose in life is to still support my friends !

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There’s enough in these empties for another drink !

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Really ?

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Is that bacon I can smell ?

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What have I just sat on ?

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NO MORE selfies !

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I lied ! I didn’t delete this photo Hilda !

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I’ve recovered enough for another party Wednesday night ! Heck ! That’s tonight !

Oh, how I suffer. Life is so hard here in Spain, don’t you think ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Local Artist – James W Nitchen

Once my apartment was renovated I needed something to fill the blank walls throughout. I could have bought cheap prints anywhere, but I decided to support a local artist and friend here in Cortes de la Frontera, Andalucia, Spain…….

Jim

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I just love his work. The colour and fun.

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I bought 11 which are hung in most rooms. Soon after I bought them I had a housewarming party and two guests from the UK loved my “art gallery” and the following day bought two from Jim to take home with them. Brilliant !

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Here are some links where he is featured.

Home2Comfort

Molino del Santo

Amazon Books

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I really need a local one of these !  :D

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Credit acrylickco

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I try as much as I can to support local craftsmen, artists, tradesmen and stores.

Do you ? Or are you a struggling artist etc. ?

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Ralph xox <3

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PS. My About page has just been updated today

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A Name For Toni’s New Baby

Toni’s Request

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When Toni, my Spanish neighbour, had finished cleaning my apartment on Sunday, she asked me to ask you from all over the world if you can suggest a name for her new boy due to be born around Christmas.

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.

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She doesn’t want a Spanish name such as Carlos, Pedro, Domingo etc. but an unusual name. Her daughter’s name is Ariadne and her son’s name is Eidan just to give you an idea. If she picks one of your suggestions I will send you a little gift as a prize (not the baby boy !)

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Sir Ralph de Blog

is my suggestion !

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My ancestry

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It could have almost been >

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My Family Tree

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My Ancestors ?

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I just love my love houses.

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The ancestors were very inventive…….

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……….big smokers……..

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……. but failed at making necklaces for the court ladies.

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They invented dog power cars……..

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…….. and baby carriers for ice-skating

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They became high ranking in the Bicycle Corps……..

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…….. and also invented the wheelie !

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They became great mathematicians ……..

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…….. and invented word games.

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They also were complete failures at plastic surgery.

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My up-to-date successes and failures

I’m a success at police public relation work………

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……. designing new military wear…….

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…..and an expert in international military relations.

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I practiced hard on my new keyboard…….

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…….and PlayStation controller.

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I helped to invent the modern phone-box.

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Then I dabbled in fashion………

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……… but I never understood why they fired me !

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 I always wondered why I never went into music. I did here !

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Health and Safety was always on my mind. Especially for cyclists……..

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………and swimming pools………

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……..even signs.

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I believe in a happy family life…………

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……… education ………

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….. home management…….

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…….matrimonial guidance………

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……… or else !

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It’s time for me to do some housework………

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…….. followed by …………..

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……… No ! Eating cookies and having a coffee.

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(All these images {except of Toni} were found on Google Searches and are NOT mine; never are, never will be, never not no how are they mine. Got it ? Sure ? They are not MINE ! )

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Have you thought of an unusual name for Toni’s new baby boy ?

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Ralph xox <3

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