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How Exciting ! Toni’s New Baby.

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At last ! We have all been waiting months for this ! Well, 9 months !

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  Toni’s baby boy was delivered this morning. He weighed 3.3kg (7 1/2 lbs)

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Both mum and baby are fine.

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Pedro, the dad, has named the boy Liam. Remember I asked you to suggest a name for the baby, well none of you picked Liam, but Toni thanks you all for your suggestions.

ERROR !

Toni & Pedro emailed me the day after I published this post. They picked Liam from Amy’s comment …..

Amy

Amy

…… where Toni & Pedro corrected me by what Amy said

Dale las gracias a tus amigos del blog por sus felicitaciones. Tengo que decirle que el nombre Liam si lo suguirio una amiga. Aquí le dejo su enlace…

Amy Reese on 27/08/2014 at 5:38 pm
Oh, it’s difficult to pick unusual names these days! All the unusual ones are becoming more common. Caden, Liam….I like those. What about Romeo? Roman, I like. Best of luck to her and her new family addition. I look forward to seeing what she decided and seeing her little one! Cheers, Ralph. xoxox :)

So we have a winner !

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For those new readers of this blog I had better bring you up to speed. Toni’s Spanish family live in the apartment below mine and for the last couple of years Toni has been feeding me, cleaning my apartment and washing my clothes. Pedro, her husband, has been doing the million odd jobs for me which I am unable to do. A wonderful family !

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

Eidan, Toni, Ralph, Pedro, Ariadne

Congratulations Toni and Pedro :D <3

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Battle Of Waterloo

Late 1960s ! The Beatles, Carnaby Street and Ralph about to destroy London ! It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Thanks Debby for reminding me. Hah !

Debby

Debby

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I joined the Royal Corps of Signals  when I was 17 1/2.

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A few weeks of basic training where I learned to polish boots …..

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……… blanco and polish brass on belts ……

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….. march with pride …..

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…… get muddy and polish boots again and again and again.

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I passed out. Marching with dignity !

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I immediately entered my Trade Training Course in electronics where I learned to polish my boots ….

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….. and how to hold a soldering iron by the handle and not the hot end.

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A year later some bright spark thought I was good enough to repair specialist radios……

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….. and posted me to Aden. Active service ! Guns ! Fighting ! Thanks ! Not !

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I was allowed out on my own ! I was leaving this …….

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…..for this.

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Ooops ! It’s the 1960s. I mean for this ……

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…….as I had 2 weeks leave before departing for Aden.

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A train to London. Cross London by the Underground…….

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…… then a train to Portsmouth Harbour…….

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….. followed by a ferry to the Isle of Wight.

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No problem ! Hah ! I got more goosebumps thinking about it !

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And so my story begins !

Late at night ! My train to London and crossing London from Kings Cross to Waterloo by the Underground was a piece of cake.

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Weighed down by my Army suitcase ……

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…… and kitbag …..

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…….I was the last passenger from my tube train…….

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…… to ascend the escalator up to the mainline station of Waterloo.

This is where I met my Waterloo !

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Thankfully I placed the heavy suitcase to the side of me with the heavy kitbag on top. Up the escalator I went looking at the wall posters of scantily dressed women (Well I was 19 years old. No difference then !).

Nearing the top I picked up the kitbag, reached for the suitcase handle and the suitcase had

GONE !! OMG !

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Play this Dam Buster theme so as to enhance your reading experience

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My suitcase had gone ! I swung round to look down the escalator and almost fell …..

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…… as I saw my suitcase tumbling over and over ……..

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…. down the escalator !

Time stood still as I watched in horror, my suitcase becoming a Suitcase of Mass Destruction. A bouncing bomb !

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Thank God nobody was on the escalator !!

My suitcase tumbled faster, higher and higher !

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It could wipe out the whole of London’s Father Christmas-es !

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I was dreading the repercussions

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I could end up picking up raven’s poo with a teaspoon in the Tower of London for the rest of my Army career if it hit someone !

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What can I do ?

Jump over on to the down escalator  ……

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….. or maybe slide down between escalators ……

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….. Nope !

With a massive THUD my suitcase hit the far wall at the bottom.

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Any harder the wall would have split open pouring water from the River Thames into London’s Underground system.

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I managed to retrieve my suitcase without falling over in my haste to get to it …..

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…… and reascended the Escalator Of Doom ! Half way up, the escalator stopped and I heard metal gates at the top being pulled closed. I shouted

Oy ! Hang on !

Struggling up the last 50 steps, suitcase (looking good) and kitbag in hand, a face peered over the top looking down at me.

Blakey from "On the Buses"

Blakey from “On the Buses”

Hurry up son. I’m closing up ! Where are you going ?

I told him.

Waterloo was closing down for the night, but Blakey, a kind soul, looked at my military ID and ticket, opened the gate to Platform 9 3/4 where my train stood and let me board 6 hours before it left for the South Coast of England.

I lay out on a long empty seat and slept.

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A sudden JOLT woke me up 6 hours later. The train was moving and I couldn’t see !

4 commuting passengers were sitting on the edge of my seat with me jammed longways behind them.

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Eventually I arrived home on the Isle of Wight. There were no girls on the beach …..

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…… just snow ! The same as the place I left.

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I did manage to get to Aden for a year and I didn’t get killed.

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Do you think that I needed supervision ?

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Ralph xox <3

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All the images & gifs were found on Google search to enhance your reading experience OR for those who only like to look at pictures. They are not mine and never will be.

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Sleeping Beauty

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……there was a Ralphie who lived in a tower in Spainland. For two years he was under the spell of the Wicked Twitch who made his hands shake shakily and his walk teeter teeterly in a dastardly way.

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He used to sleep normally…..

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….. with an afternoon siesta ……

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…… and he even made a vlog (very late on going-to-bed) Youtube video.

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NOT that one ! This one !

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Although under the spell of the Wicked Twitch Ralphie was happy…….

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….. and while out walking one day he came across a fair maiden called Farmer Sue Tickle …..

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….. who gave him a bag of magic pills. Ralphie immediately ate one  and Farmer Sue Tickle chanted …….

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Kazzammm !!!

Ralphie was zapped by a sleeping spell !

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He slept in the morning …..

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……. at noon …..

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……. in the early afternoon ……

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….. into the evening …..

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……. late into the night.

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His housework and blogging suffered.

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Hour after hour, day after day Ralphie slept, awakening only for short periods.

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Ralphie dreamed .

Once he was a furry creature searching for warmth.

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Another time he was attacked by a Yellow Giant !

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And recently he dreamt that he was used as a Post It.

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Ralphie’s 3 Fairy Godmothers exploded into view.

WAKE UP Ralphie !

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WAKE UP Ralphie or I’ll clonk you one !

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Sorry. You’re a hopeless case Ralphie !

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And just as quickly ……

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…… they vanished !

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Can Ralphie be saved from the Wicked Twitch and the sleep spell placed upon him by Farmer Sue Tickle ?

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Is there a …….. ?

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Who knows ? The magic pills have gone. The Wicked Twitch is still casting her spell ….

….. and Ralphie ?

He’s gone to bed !

THAT’S MY BED, SONIC !!

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Coming ?

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Ralph xox <3

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Except for me asleep in the chair and my video the rest of these images were found on Google Search and are definitely not mine !

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Kick The Bucket List

In 2 years, 16 days, 17 hours, 32 minutes, 16.0173 seconds I am going to die !

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Oops ! Sorry !

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Well, that’s what Psalm 90 tells me.

Psalm 90:10 King James Version (KJV)

10: The days of our years are threescore and ten;

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Yes ! As soon as I am 70 I am going to kick the bucket.

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I have no idea how.

An overdose of Facebook perhaps …….

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…… or the shock of being fined. I’ve no idea !

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70 years old is probably a good age to go.

From then on I might be put in an old people’s home where ……

……. I am forced to play bingo……..

…….. and forced to take a bath.

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(Well, I may make an exception in this case)

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I might even forget who I am !

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I am not religious by any means …..

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……. but I will give a cup of tea to any callers.

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So I have almost reached this age with 72 2 cats !

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Time to think about which heaven to go to ! …….

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……. and how to spend my last 2 years, 16 days, 17 hours, 32 minutes, 16.0173 seconds.

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There are many possibilities of what may happen to me after I die !

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It’s said that your whole life is played back to you.

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RALPHIE THE MOVIE

Stop hogging the popcorn !

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Then I could be recycled…..

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……back to Earth in the forms that Katie painted me……

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Katie

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……or what RoSy did in this Art Gallery post of mine !

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RoSy

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Don’t worry ladies if you are virgins…….

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…… because, hah ! these men didn’t really think it through of what sort of women are their virgins !

Nora Batty in Last of the Summer Wine

Nora Batty in Last of the Summer Wine

 And, oh boy !, each one is going to be in his “paradise” with  70 of these women stapled to him!

Nora Batty in Last of the Summer Wine

Nora Batty in Last of the Summer Wine

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A Kingdom for women perhaps ?

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I could be going to blog with WordPress Heavenpress in the sky and blog with God…….

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……but I wouldn’t be dropping pianos on any one !

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So what would I like for my heaven ?

A nice place.

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Choirs

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Lovely people

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Unusual wonders

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The ability to fly with the Angels

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And so much more !

But most of all. Fun !

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BUT ! Before all that, I must make a bucket list !

1. Get a bucket !

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2. Don’t kick the bucket !

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Done !

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Would you like me to be your Guardian Angel ?

Oh boy ! Am I heaven sent !

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Ralph xox <3

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All these images were found on Google Search and are not mine.

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I Quit For Family

Sometimes I come to a point where I have to make a decision and this is such a moment.

I have reached a dead end ……

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….. and said to myself, “Enough is enough !”

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For the past year or so I have been banging my head on a brick wall ……

Oude Kerk, 1480 misericord

…… and getting absolutely nowhere.

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Wherever I look …….

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….. I just can’t find a resolution. So, I quit !

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What am I talking about ?

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Finding a flippin woman to live with me !

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So with the help of some local and blogging friends, this one blogging friend in particular …..

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……. who made this lovely comment the other day ……

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….. I have decided to stop looking, even thinking about it any more.

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It’s been an uphill struggle ….

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So it’s time to let it go.

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I don’t really think I am mongoose ……

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……ummm…. monogonomonous ! A one woman man even !

Because I love you all wherever in the whole wide world you may be !

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For me, life is good …….

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…… I have everything I need, lovely friends and neighbours, an apartment I am happy with ……

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……set in mountain country of southern Spain.

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So why go hunting ……

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…… clubbing ?

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And why should I continue torturing myself …..

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…….on the off chance of a woman coming into my life which I may regret ?

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I told you Ralph ! You don’t listen !

Shut up Ralph I’m talking !

(please shoot me someone ! )

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I class my local friends and neighbours as cherished family.

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I also cherish my blogging family. 

Blogging friends made over the last couple of years. Friends who I laugh with, cry with, vacation with. Friends who visit me and I them. Friends who suffer. Friends with skills. Friends alone.

You are my family and I am going to have fun with you !

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Okay ?

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Ralph xox <3

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If you need me, just call. I’m down by the unicorn farm.

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All the images on the post were found on Google Search and are not mine.

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Cluck ?

It’s been so long since I slept with a woman that I just can’t remember if it’s the same as sleeping with my cats.

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One day I may have the answer to this puzzling question

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Anyway, I woke up this morning, which I do most mornings and I had a thought.

Okay, I’m a man and it’s difficult I know to have a thought, but I did !

I wondered what women love to do and I came up with these ideas

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A woman writer loves to be fontled

A woman chef loves to be oven ready

A woman seamstress loves to be pinned to a dummy

A woman poet loves to be limericked all over

A woman blogger loves to be Freshly Pressed

A woman teacher loves to be ringing her bell

A woman musician loves to be tromboned

A woman lawyer loves to be exploring briefs

A woman pilot loves to be barrel-rolled

A woman soldier loves to be about faced

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Of course I could be completely wrong. Maybe women just like wine.

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I’ve no idea !

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So I am going to have to hypnotise you.

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You are feeling sleepy *yawn*

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Very sleepy ! You have a sinking feeling !

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You are now asleep *snore*.

Hold your nose !

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Relax !

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You are now in Ralphie-la-la-land.

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My male readers only ! Watch the Happy Dance !

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Whereas my female readers, I am going to explore your minds through this magic poll. Vote as many times as you like on anything and you can view your results at the bottom of the poll ……… but you won’t remember !

After analysing all the results through extensive study and research I have come to the conclusion that the

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… are from Earth.

The poll data is too scrambled to make any sense of it.

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I haven’t a clue how to unhypnotise you. Glad I said you’re not a chicken !

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Ooops ! Maybe I did ! Sorry !

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Cluck ?

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Ralph xox <3

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All these images were found on Google Search and are not mine

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Got You !

A prophetic letter from an imaginary Spanish hospital to Ralph

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Hah !

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Most esteemed stupid Ralph,

You really did think we were serious in trying to cure you. Hah ! No way Hosay ! We are having fun !

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We sent you home last Saturday with an arm full of drips and a bag full of tablets

PLUS the most horrendous blocked nose cold we could devise.

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We know you won’t mix-and-match cures, so suffer friend.

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This cold is created to worsen the other problem you will have……..

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…….. AND THAT WOULD BE ?  ……….

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……when you, on Sunday, take the first day of tablets we are overdosing you with. LOL.

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We are going to give you elephant’s feet. What fun !

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No, they’re not ! These are my feet !

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And once upon a time you thought that you had flying feet ! No more !

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The best is yet to come !

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On Monday morning, at precisely 0557am you will get out of bed to go for a pee, but you won’t make it ! Hahaha ! The circulation in your legs will go haywire. Your legs will collapse with severe tingling and you will fall back onto the bed. You will eventually stagger to the toilet.

You won’t be able to stand to pee as your legs will give out and we did want to see this !

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This is when you turn yourself into a woman. Sit my boy !

No. Not like this !

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For the rest of the day YOU WILL SUFFER. You can’t stand. You will sway ! You’ll be drunk without having a drink. Oh, you are so cheap to buy for ! 

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And the best bit is you will even take your second day of tablets thinking it’s part of the cure. LOL. What fun !

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Then you go and ruin it all !

Early Tuesday morning you will have an agonising stand to pee, but you will have to sit again. Oh, we did want to see this !

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What do you do ? You call in your neighbour Toni ! You ruin everything !

Yay for Toni !

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You ask Toni to phone the hospital doctor for instructions, but we make sure the Neurologist isn’t available and you will have to go and see the local GP doctor which will stress you as he normally sits tapping his keyboard all the time and tells you off for not having a visitor number.

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But, GOD-DAMMIT ! He is nice ! He takes your BP, fiddles with your ankle, tells Toni to reduce the strength and course of tablets and tells her that you must eat and drink more. You will leave him happily mumbling to himself,

“Lewis Sumner, eh, Lewis Sumner ! That’s different !”.

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Toni then really ruins our plan by buying and cutting bread rolls for you for breakfast. Leaves them outside your front door.

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You will make and eat your breakfast…….

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…….while your cats enjoy the Spanish morning sun just beside you.

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We know you like washing the dishes, but overdosing you will make it hard for you to stand……

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……. but, you will do it ! This is getting to be no fun now ! Unless ……

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Hahaha ! The GP doctor says for you to oil your legs 3 times a day and we know you are not a girl, but we are going to make you one. LOL

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We know you won’t want to slip in the bathroom ……

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……. or fall in the bath …….

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 …..but, knowing you, you will have fun oiling your legs and feet !

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In conclusion ……..

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…… we will see what else we have in store for you Ralph.

Yours, unhappily,

A Spanish hospital.

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Time I had a shower. Now that would be some post.

This post is the last medical one for a while. I want to have fun again !

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( I am sorry. Since I drafted this post I cannot promise, but I will try to answer all your comments and visit your new posts as I normally do. At the moment I am not normal. No change there then ! :D )

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Am I turning into a woman ?

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Ralph xox <3

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All the images with a date are mine. The rest have been Google Searched and are not mine.

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Drippidy Do Dah !

Serious stuff

Four days this week as an out patient at Ronda Hospital, Spain, hopefully on my way to be cured of Lewis Sumner.

Monday. Gloria the Neurologist said 2 hours on Thursday in the Drip ward.

Thursday. On the drip. Angela the Neurologist came in and extended the treatment through Friday into Saturday.

Drip department closed on Saturday so had to have the drip in  Emergency.

Sunday onwards this week a course of tablets

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This slideshow is for you who love medical things !

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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Fun Stuff

Saturday morning early. I made my coffee. Took it to my desk in the other room. Half way there my hands went crazy. Half a cup of hot coffee ended up on the floor and on my desk. What a mess, especially when the cats ran through it while I was getting the mop !

This was the last straw ! My coffee stays by the kettle and I drink it via the last straw !

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It was all arranged in Emergency so I was attended to straight away. No 4 hour wait thank heavens !

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Got to make the best of it and be happy !

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Ralph’s greatest sayings:

A hospital is a wonderful place to make new friends who then stick needles in you !

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Spanish yoga. A dripping siesta !

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Toni, my neighbour, with one month to go, is a godsend as she drove me the many miles to/from the hospital and did all the talking to the doctors and nurses. We had fun.

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The nurse on the left misunderstood my Como te llama ? (What’s your name?)  who answered Bien bien ! We laughed and she showed me her ID on her chest which was the wrong way round, just a white blank. So Maria was called by me Bien Bien Blanco !

Vera, a student nurse on the right, was Maria’s Siamese twin who followed Maria around the drip ward. Vera’s English is brilliant !

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Insert drippidy for zippidy.

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Did you faint ? Sorry, my charisma has that effect !

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Ralph xox <3

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My Friend Is Mud !

Many of you will remember my escapades in Israel in July.

Before I left Spain my local friend Hilda asked, begged, ordered me to bring back some Dead Sea mud for her beautification. How could I say no ?

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David & Hilda’s lovely home in Spain.

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Many months passed. David, her husband, wrote a few posts …..

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…… but nothing from Hilda concerning her mud treatment.

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THEN !

Last night and today my Inbox filled with emails and photos of of her beauty treatment.

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This is how Hilda normally looks with David and Manny (a teddy-bear blogger from California) …….

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……. and in her kitchen.

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Sit down, for this is what happened in her own words.

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Hi Ralph,

I have finally got to use the mud spa treatment that you kindly brought for me on your recent holiday, so i thought I’d share the experience with you as I suspect you may use it for your next blog !

Around 6 pm i set about the task. I read the instructions only to find that it was not to be used on your face. Recently however a friend of mine gave me a gift of a Estee lauder face treatment, so I decided I would use this for my face and the mud spa for my body.

I made sure that our bedroom was nice and warm, closed the shutters and having put the mask on my face opened the packet of mud. What a mess if only I’d known i would have gone and hid in the garden somewhere. I spread it all over ( I’ve deleted that photo that David took), and when I looked around the bathroom it was splattered everywhere. Our tiles are mosaic with white grouting.

To cut a long story short I left it on my body for 20 minutes and washed it off. The shower tray looked like the road in our village following the flood…silt !
I then consequently spent over and hour scrubbing. Towels are in the washing machine as is the shower curtain, face cloth.
My hands smell of bleach from scrubbing…was it worth it………well my skin does feel nice and soft I have to say.

I’m now going to pour myself a glass of wine and relax ! 2.5 hours later !!

I’m sure if you do a blog you can adapt my version of this. I’ll send the photo’s individually, there is three.

Hope all goes well tomorrow

Love
Hilda x

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Hi Ralph,

Well I am reminded of what happened last night !

On waking up this morning i find i have black underneath my finger nails, and there’s still mud debris in the white grouting in the bathroom. Lumps of mud also on the shiny chrome towel radiator, and the cream walls

Oh and to top it all, you know that we have no door to our en-suite, just an arch way leading through, well my nice crisp clean bed linen has mud splatters all over…another wash load !

Was it worth it ???????????

Think my day will be spent wearing rubber gloves, a bottle of bleach and scrubbing brush in hand. Oh and washing and ironing. Hope your day is better than mine !

Was it worth it !!!!!!!!!

Hope your appt went ok at the hospital

Love
Hilda x

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Ralph – I forgot to add that three bathrooms were used in the process !

Hilda x

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What would you do to get on my blog ?

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Ralph xox <3

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So funny ! Thank you Hilda for letting me use your story here <3

There are no Google Search pictures in this post. So sue me ! Which one of you is called Sue ?

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Strike Down The Band !

The other week I was attempting to give a damn …..

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…… and trying to find something to do ……..

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……. but found it too taxing. So when in Spain, do what the Spanish do.

SIESTA !!

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I was fast asleep studying the inside of my  eyelids ……

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…… dreaming of things that men dream about ……

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…… when …..

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Boom ! Boom ! Boom ! Tara ! Tara ! Boom ! Boom !

Oh no ! It’s one of those distorted brain scrambling, ear shredding, heart exploding, so called CARS !!

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The music was awful !

Tararara ! Boom ! Boom !

……. but decided to go out on the front balcony to have a look.

Boom ! Boom ! Tarararararara ! Boom !

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Boom ! Tara ! Tara ! Boom !

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Tara ! Boom ! Boom ! Tara !

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Boom ! Boom ! Boom ! Rattle Tattle ! Boom ! Boom !

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Burp ! Boom ! Boom ! Squeak ! Rattle ! Tara !

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Rattle Tattle ! Chatter ! Batter ! Boom ! Boom !

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Boom ! Boom ! “I’ve just dumped my boyfriend” ! Tara ! Tara!

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Tara ! Tara ! Boom ! Tara ! ” Did you ?” ! Boom !

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And they disappeared into the countryside. Never to be seen again !

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I’m awake now ! Oh, well, I’ll have a banana……

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….. and check my Dashboard.

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How did they know that ?

And just before publishing this post …..

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Road sweeper ? It’s just a trashy village rumour ! ;)

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Have you been rudely awakened ?

(I know a lot of you would like to be ! )

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Ralph xox <3

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The band and dashboard images are mine. The rest belong within Google Search.

No Spanish band was harmed in the construction of this post, but my ears were !

 

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